Tuesdays with Moron: Chatological Humor Update

Jan 14, 2014

Gene's next monthly chat is next Tuesday, February 4 at noon. You may submit questions here.

- Want to find out what you're missing? Check out Gene's November live chat to get an idea of how the monthly chat works.

On one Tuesday each month, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is sometimes updated between live shows, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

Greetings, update readers.

We begin today with the discovery of a seven-year-old comedic genius.   He is Ryan Dure, the son of reader Jennifer Dure.  Like me, Jennifer had noticed Sunday's "Argyle Sweater" and laughed a bit at the joke.   "Iceman" is cooling the punch with his butt, to the apparent dismay of the male superheroes present.   Her son, however, had another explanation.

It wasn't just that he was bathing his body in the punch, it was that he WAS POOPING ICE CUBES.   Now, there are no ice cubes visible, so why did young Ryan decide there was defecation involved? 

The newspaper!  The newspaper-on-the-pot phenomenon.  Ryan was right!  His Ma and I missed the joke.  And if you are going to doubt this and suggest we consult the cartoonist, I say it doesn't matter.  I do not subscribe to the Intentional Fallacy.  

The Iceman was pooping.  In the punchbowl. 

Moving on:

There are lots of pros who can do both. The reason that each team has one of each is that each serves as backup to the other. If you only had one total you'd have no backup.

This is in reference to my wondering why there weren't any kicker-punters in the NFL.  Several readers pointed me to this story, in which Stephen Gostkowski, just last week, filled in brilliantly for the regular punter, who was sidelined with an injury during the game.

I should note, though, that contrary to the assertion in this question, Gostkowski had NEVER punted before, on any level of the game. 

So what's the alternative? I thought and think that fighting in Iraq was a disaster with ramifications still to come. This guy joined for a college fund, like Miss America. I don't think hero worship is warranted for every enlistee.

If you haven't anything profound or different to say to a veteran, or active service member -- if this cliche is all you can muster -- then say nothing.   Here is what it tells them:  You feel some sort of social pressure to say something, but you don't really approve of what they were doing there, maybe, but you have some regard for the fact that maybe they put themselves in harm's way, but you're afraid to say, thanks for your courage, because maybe they are just people who like to kill or something...." 

It's a lame thing to say.   If you admire them, or are grateful, tell 'em that.

That exampled about the thieves dying from drinking poisoned whiskey brought to mind a similar example about co-workers who steal lunches from office fridges. They obviously know the food is not theirs but they take it. The solution: make sandwiches specifically designed as bait for the thieves. When preparing the sandwich grind up several laxative pills and mix them well into the ketchup or mayo. Then let the thieves enjoy lunch.

The Rib did this in her college dorm.  Took extra care to avoid accidental problems:  Made brownies, put em in a bag and said, "Please do not take these.  They are for a beloved aunt."   There was a night of toilet flushing, and everyone knew who.

For the record, I don't office recommend this.  Laxatives are no joke and can cause serious problems.    But in this case, the payback was sweet and stinky.

Much of what we know about the effects of significant radiation doses came from dropping two atomic bombs. There is no way we should throw out that data.

Sure, but the parallel with Nazi experiments is bogus, or at least weaker.  A case can strongly be made that Hiroshima (if less so Nagasaki) was a completely legitimate act of war that saved many more lives than it took. 

But what if we find out that, because the Nazis were mostly being sadists, not scientists, the experiments were riddled with errors and the data generated is only partly reliable. This is not a pure hypothetical - other Nazi 'experimental data' has this exact situation.

Well, then use the partially reliable parts !    We can't know this if we don't look at it.

Who are the final two states? You don't name them in your column!

I believe they are all accounted for.

What did you write about instead?

I called customer service reps.   The column took 45 minutes to report.

In minnesota, with our bjillion lakes, "lake" comes either before or after the proper name utterly randomly

We will end this Lake argument, and this update, with a gift.  The great John Prine, with the great Lake Marie.   After  Dylan and Cohen, this guy gets my nomination for rock lyricist, although this is not really about lyrics.  It's about acoustic guitars and conveying a feeling.   See you next week. 

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Gene Weingarten
Gene Weingarten is the humor writer for The Washington Post. His column, Below the Beltway, has appeared weekly in the Post's Sunday magazine since July 2000 and has been distributed nationwide on The Los Angeles Times-Washington Post News Service. He was awarded the 2008 Pulitzer Prize for Feature Writing.

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