Tuesdays with Moron: Chatological Humor Update

Sep 11, 2012

Every Tuesday, Gene publishes weekly updates to his chats.

- Gene's latest chat

On one Tuesday each month, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is sometimes updated between live shows, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

Urgent and historic Chatological Update Announcement.

In writing today's update I accidentally came up with the greatest tongue twister in the history of human expression.  I shall share it with you below.  Please note that I used the word "shall," which is universal subtle writerspeak to indicate extreme gravity and portent.  You will remember this moment forever.   Up until now, tongue twisters were a mild curiosity, something to be attempted, failed at, and then mastered with pride.   This one cannot be defeated.  It will stand as a symbol of the existential pointlessness of human existence, for if we cannot triumph over simple articulation, how can we hope to solve social problems or puzzle out the myriad mysteries of our lives?  Until this moment, "toy boat" and "good blood, bad blood" were difficult but conquerable.  Today, however, comes the tongue twister of all time, the one that will inevitably lead to the end of human existence:  We will not go out in a bang, or a whimper.  We will go out in a massive shrug.  What's the point?  WHAT'S THE POINT OF IT ALL?

So here it is, the catalyst, the unbeatable tongue twister:

"The sudden southern thunder surge."


Now back to today's update:

On Saturday I was parked in the driveway of a home in Oakton, Virginia, where I was having sex with a beautiful, enigmatic forensic chemist for Interpol*, when the sudden southern thunder surge occurred.    We continued wildly copulating** as the storm passed through.   When the acrobatic sex*** was complete, I went outside to find that a tree limb had fallen on my car, a 2011 Maserati Quattroporte. ***

It bashed out the rear windshield but otherwise seemed, to my trained reporter's eye, to have done little further damage.   The car drove home just fine.   I estimated the damage at $400, a one-day job, and considered paying for it myself to avoid the grotesque hassle of dealing with an insurance company.   But checking my policy, I learned that Acts of God**** do not result in your premiums being jacked up the way insurance companies are wont to do if you ever have the sheer gall to file a claim.  So I called in the claim, and an agent came, and looked at my car, and prepared an estimate. 

His estimate of the damage: $3,890, a 14-day job, plus probable replacement of the rear radio speakers and wiring, damaged by water, for an additional costs of $400 in parts and labor, plus $900 in rental-car costs.

There is a lesson in all this: Nothing is as it seems.  Life is empty of meaning. Competing concepts of the nature of a deity are merely cartoonishly inept efforts to explain the inexplicable, and give meaning and nobility to the pointless scramble for simple survival -- the thing we call "life."   There is no meaningful distinction between truth and falsehood.  Life is a lie.


*a potbellied 66-year-old government lawyer. 

** conducting an interview

*** questions relating to habeas corpus

**** 2008 Honda Civic.

***** I wonder if anyone has ever attempted to challenge, in court, some law or provision related to the construct "Act Of God."   Seems to me you'd have to legally prove the existence of God to base an entire statute on His or Her acts.   This is actually very complicated, even in terms of theology.  According to Wiki:   Christian theologians differ on their views and interpretations of scripture. Some say that God causes a disaster: R. C. Sproul speaks of Divine Providence: “In a universe governed by God, there are no chance events” Others indicate that God may allow a tragedy to occur. Others accept unfortunate events as part of life and reference Matthew 5:45 : “for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

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Gene Weingarten
Gene Weingarten is the humor writer for The Washington Post. His column, Below the Beltway, has appeared weekly in the Post's Sunday magazine since July 2000 and has been distributed nationwide on The Los Angeles Times-Washington Post News Service. He was awarded the 2008 Pulitzer Prize for Feature Writing.
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