Tuesdays with Moron: Chatological Humor Update

Aug 07, 2012

Every Tuesday, Gene publishes weekly updates to his chats.

- Gene's latest chat

On one Tuesday each month, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is sometimes updated between live shows, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

Greetings, update readers.

Today we try a bulleted update:  Short and purposeful, in a noble experiment to gauge the power of the internet, and this very forum, and my ability to play heartstrings like a virtuoso while using humor strategically.   We are going to try to move a puppy. 

Here he is.  His name is George.   He looks marvelous.   He appears to be a little under one year old, a male yet to be neutered (please do), thought to be a cross between a pit bull and a Plott hound.  As a published dog expert, I declare George is a Plitt Hound, a very rare breed skilled at doing crossword puzzles.    He's housebroken and playful, but not Shiva, the Destroyer.  

George is friendly and great with people of all ages.   How he is with other dogs is as yet unknown.   But just look at him.  

Now, I know what you are thinking.   You are thinking: I MUST HAVE THAT PUPPY. 

Okay, you are probably not thinking that just yet.  You are no fool.  You are suspicious.   You are wondering why this is the first time I am using the good offices of Chatological Humor to find a home for a pet, and whether this is going to be a new norm.  

No new norm.    A confluence of factors brought us to this moment, beginning with the fact that George was found by Audrey,  a neighbor on whom I'm just a little sweet.   Audrey owns a bed and breakfast in West Virginia, which is where George was found, wandering, in the Lost River area.   He was un-chipped, unknown to local veterinarians, and unclaimed even after he was advertised on Craigslist and the local community radio show.   Audrey theorizes that George was purposefully made a stray, simply abandoned on the side of the road by someone who didn't want him.   Alas, that is how strays often become strays in rural West Virginia. 

George answers to basic commands.  He is very clever, and something of a MacGyver : When left in a kennel recently, he managed to get out of his cage using only tools available.    If he takes after both his alleged breeds, he is going to be smart, personable, courageous, and a bit pig-headed.   This last trait, in my Murphy the Plott, is adorable.   Pig-headed dogs are hilariously sure of themselves and have strong preferences that they are not bashful about expressing. 

So all that is the carrot.   Here comes the stick.

George is currently living with a nice man who cannot keep him.   This nice man doesn't know what he is going to do with George if no one claims him.   What is clear is George has a very unusual, beautiful coat.    This nice man -- and I want to emphasize this is no monster -- just happens to be a professional taxidermist.

Ode to George
By Gene Weingarten

Higgledy Piggledy
George the stray Plitt puppy 
Free for adoption, so
Please write or call.

Let's find a home for him
Lest he become someone's
Head on a wall. 

So there you have it.   If you think you might want to adopt George, please write to me at weingarten@washpost.com, and state your case.   I will forward the best three applicants to Audrey, who will take it from there. 

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Gene Weingarten
Gene Weingarten is the humor writer for The Washington Post. His column, Below the Beltway, has appeared weekly in the Post's Sunday magazine since July 2000 and has been distributed nationwide on The Los Angeles Times-Washington Post News Service. He was awarded the 2008 Pulitzer Prize for Feature Writing.
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