Tuesdays with Moron: Chatological Humor Update

Oct 11, 2011

Every Tuesday, Gene publishes weekly updates to his chats.

Gene's most recent chat: Sept. 27

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On one Tuesday each month, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is sometimes updated between live shows, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

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Weingarten is also the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death," co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca and "Old Dogs: Are the Best Dogs," with photographer Michael S. Williamson.

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Ed's Note: If composing your questions in Microsoft Word please turn off the Smart Quotes functionality or use WordPad. I haven't the time to edit them.

I am totally loving the GOP presidential campaign.   Last night, I watched CNN, entranced, as John King and his guests solemnly discussed whether there was any merit to the idea, articulated by a Rick Perry supporter, that Mormonism is "a cult."    The pivot point seems to be that Mormons believe Jesus visited the American continent shortly after his resurrection.   Many mainstream Christians, apparently, believe this is totally NUTS, the sign of a loony, cultish bunch of feebs who will believe ANYTHING, however farfetched!     After all, it's preposterous to believe Jesus would have made this trivial side trip, since he would have been real tired after plunging down into Hell at the center of the Earth, sermonizing to the roasting souls, liberating them, and then stealing the keys to the place from Satan.   Man, those nutty, gullible Mormons!

I hope you all read my column on Sunday, about "Google Voice," Google's new comically inept voice-recognition software.     For your reading pleasure in this update, I decided to call Tom The Butcher's phone a few more times.      It turns out that had Google Voice been around to help Moses out, the Israelites would have been scratching their heads a bit.   Here are the Ten Commandments, as translated by Google Voice: 


"Thou shalt have no other Gods before me.  Thou shalt not make for thyself a carved image or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above or the earth beneath or that is in the water under the earth .  Thou shalt not take the name of the lord your God in vain."

As translated by Google Voice:

"That was felt have no other dogs before me. Now I shall not make for that cellphone cards. Do you make any like for anything that is in heaven above what that is in the your company within were under the error.  Val shelf not take the name of the Lord your God anything."


"Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy.   Honor they father and thy mother.   Thou shalt not kill.   Thou shalt not commit adultery.  Thou shalt not steal.    Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor."


 As translated by Google Voice:

"Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy. Honor thy father and my mother. Now I shall not kill. Now shall not commit adult 3 no shout not deal. That would help, not therefore with the contents 9, either bye."

Original text:

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house.   Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is your neighbor’s."

As translated by Google Voice:


"That'll help dot com. But that I need brick house. That would help a lot, cause I need to, his wife Norton mail servant. No his female service nor his off nor his ass, nor anything that is your neighbors."

Next, I tried The Bill of Rights.    Here are the first two items, as translated by Google Voice:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof for a Bridging the freedom of speech. One of the press or at the right of the people peace with to assemble and to petition the government, so we've got some prefixes. Two a well regulated Militia being necessary to the security of the Free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be in friends.

(Yeah, I also wondered what "so we've got some prefixes" was.   It was:  "... for redress of grievances."

Further excerpted highlights:

"Due process of law" becomes "do process the floor."

And, my favorite, "the militia" becomes "The Melissa."

See you in the updates next week.    Please use the link in the "About this chat" section to send in questions for the next chat.

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Gene Weingarten
Gene Weingarten is the humor writer for The Washington Post. His column, Below the Beltway, has appeared weekly in the Post's Sunday magazine since July 2000 and has been distributed nationwide on The Los Angeles Times-Washington Post News Service. He was awarded the 2008 Pulitzer Prize for Feature Writing.
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