Tuesdays with Moron: Chatological Humor Update

Sep 20, 2011

Every Tuesday, Gene publishes weekly updates to his chats.

Gene's most recent chat: August 30

Submit your questions to Gene's next chat.

On one Tuesday each month, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is sometimes updated between live shows, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

Important, secret note to readers: The management of The Washington Post apparently does not know this chat exists, or it would have been shut down long ago. Please do not tell them. Thank you.

Weingarten is also the author of "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death," co-author of "I'm with Stupid," with feminist scholar Gina Barreca and "Old Dogs: Are the Best Dogs," with photographer Michael S. Williamson.

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Ed's Note: If composing your questions in Microsoft Word please turn off the Smart Quotes functionality or use WordPad. I haven't the time to edit them.

Good morning, update readers!  We begin today with an important Instapoll.    Take it now, because it will be discussed immediately afterwards.

Poll: Dick Cheney


Okay, so.   My Sunday column, like all columns I have done about Cheney, got an avalanche of letters, roughly split between huzzahs from liberals complimenting me on this savage attack, and boos from conservatives slamming me for this savage attack.    My favorite reaction, as always, was the one from NewsBusters, a conservative website that keeps tabs on the Commie media with all the sense of humor of a particularly stodgy hockey stick.     They were, as always, outraged by my savage attack on Cheney.

I cherish Newsbusters pieces about me, which they have helpfully compiled into this dossier.  (The Comments are the best part.)

So, do I disrespect Cheney?  Was this piece a savage attack on him?  Was it  unfair?

The correct answers:  Yes.   No.  No.       I even wrote them in the correct order.

I contend that this piece was not even critical of Cheney.   What it was lampooning was Cheney Derangement Syndrome, the tendency of liberals to see the former veep as evil in all possible ways.    THAT's the joke.   Every single specific in this piece was so over the top that it doesn't even qualify as criticism.     I originally toyed with an item about widows and orphans in Iraq, but didn't do it because that would have been too close to truth.

So, yes.   I am serious.   I don't think this piece was disrespectful to Cheney.   I think he might even like it.  Dammit.  

Any word yet on Joe McGinniss' book on Sarah Palin?

Well, you know, we have amaazingly conflicting reports on the McGinniss book, and each from a usually reliable source.   Garry Trudeau, who was given exclusive first leaked rights to it (and which has led to some pretty hot little Doonesburys ) says it was "meticulously reported."  

Meanwhile, the Washpost reviewer Nick Gillespie called it an atrociously reported book

So, you have some colliding views, each colored, perhaps, by what the reviwer was looking for.  The book gave Trudeau some excellent days of strip, and I am guessing he saw it as I see it -- a bunch of gossip from insiders that presents Palin in a light that should make it impossible for Family Values enthusiasts to support her.  A reasonable view.   Many sources, named and unnamed, paint her as what we sort of expected her to be: a terrible, uninvolved mother, a petty and vindictive backstabber, an ingorant  moron, etc.   I mean, we KNEW these things, so the book is a treat, and we believe it. 

To the  Post guy, it sounds  like a shoddy collection of gossip, much gleaned no doubt from her rivals.  This is inimical to the idea of what an important political profile should be.   Also probably correct.   Sounds like McGinniss didn't go for " important,"   or spend much time worrying about "fairness." 

Having not yet read the book, I can't really say what I think, except to note one delicious irony:  The most repeated revelation -- that she had a one-night stand with Glen Rice when young and unmarried -- would probably bother no liberals at all.    I mean, who cares?  Good for both of them.   Hope it was fun and that you used contraceptives.  But  (assuming they believe it)  it would be the rock-ribbed Famval lobby-- opposed to fun and premarital sex, and likely uncomfortable with biracial sex -- who might be freaked.     I like that irony.

Passwords don't work. I don't care how complex you make them. One company requires at least eight characters, two lower, two upper, two digits, and two "special" but it don't make no difference. Honest. It's my field.

The Post requires letters, numbers, and symbols.   They also require us to change our passwords every four or five months.  

I don't know what others do, but I can't possibly juggle entirely new passwords around in my head; I'd forever be locking myself out.   So I simply change the last digit, moving forward by one.  I am aware this is lazy and probably counterproductive to secrecy, but What Are You Gonna Do?    If security is that important, we're going to need retina-reading software, or something.

You don't like crispy bacon???

I am sure I have said this before, probably recently.   Crispy bacon is overcooked meat.  Do you like crispy steak?   Hamburger the color of dust?   Do you burn fish until it is stiff? 

I have no idea where the notion of crispy bacon came from, but it is no more nor less than charred meat. 

The worst part of crispy bacon is that it is an American obsession and Americans are already infamous for our tasteless food.    We overcook vegetables, too, until they are mush.   We overcook hamburgers.   We boil corn.   What we do to bacon is a sin, and yet another reason for the French to contemn us.

The chatter forgot to mention the removal of all mention of Thomas Jefferson from the next round of Texas state-approved history schoolbooks.

They didn't eliminate him outright.  They deemphasized him because they didn't like his views on the separation of church and state. 

I love that Rick Perry's first move to solve problems is to ask that everyone tries to pray the problem away. 

Rick Perry is the scariest of the whole crowd because he has a patina of savoir-faire.    Dopes can vote for him thinking they are voting for a genuwine candidate.  He LOOKS like a president.

That's basically how Warren Harding became president.   He looked more like a president than his opponent, Mr. Cox. 

I want to end with a video of TD catch by Giants wide receiver Domenik Hixon,  from last night's game against the Rams.    It's hard to imagine a better catch.    I am always amazed at plays like this because of the amazing concentration it takes WHILE SOMEONE IS ACTIVELY TRYING TO MUG YOU.

See you next Tuesday.    

Ha. Ha.    SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY at the real chat.   Merriment and double entendre and creative use of acronyms will ensue.   And get your questions in early, here. 

In This Chat
Gene Weingarten
Gene Weingarten is the humor writer for The Washington Post. His column, Below the Beltway, has appeared weekly in the Post's Sunday magazine since July 2000 and has been distributed nationwide on The Los Angeles Times-Washington Post News Service. He was awarded the 2008 Pulitzer Prize for Feature Writing.
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