ComPost Live with Alexandra Petri: Feetloaf

Oct 29, 2019

Humor columnist Alexandra Petri will be online every Tuesday at 11 a.m. Eastern for ComPost live, where she'll offer a lighter take on the news of the day. Submit your comments on her columns and any other questions you might have.

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Hello everyone and happy Tuesday! We have a spooky week ahead of us— Halloween, and the Nats are playing again, and as good October participants, the fans enjoy shouting “boo!” Welcome to the chat where we will discuss whatever is on your mind, including but not limited to fruit!

Sometimes when I can't sleep, I come up with things to distract myself. The newest one: Envisioning Daniel Craig's James Bond as a GBBS / GBBO finalist. Who could forget his volcano showstopper during cake week? The biscuit ninjas climbing within, the way the floor of it opened and it captured another baker's rocket-shaped cake? I'm just thinking about all the "at home" footage they do, and imagining it with a retired Bond. What would he do in bread week, I wonder?

I am curious what about Bond makes you think he would be an inspired chef! I think his participation on Great British Bake-Off would consist of his slowly and ineptly making a very wobbly sandwich as cover for him to sneak Q into the kitchen with a series of gadgets to replace said wobbly sandwich with the beautiful showstopper just described. His charm would allow Bond to pull this off, but when his reliance on gadgets and outside aid was discovered, it would be an enormous scandal. But the British public would love Q! But I could be wrong. 

Looking at your picture, I’m concerned. On the left side of the face – the left eye is fine, though your teeth look like they want to take a bite out of somebody; on the right side of the face – your right eye looks the tiniest bit unhinged. Are you hinged?

I think I’m relatively hinged, like a well-constructed door! I have experienced no difficulty slamming on people’s faces in the past, a quality it looks like we share! 

Can we please talk about this? https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/voraciously/wp/2019/10/24/its-almost-halloween-and-feetloaf-is-already-giving-us-nightmares/ I don't get grossed out by much, but this triggered my ick response, in a fun way. My husband is out of town for work all week and arrives home around dinnertime on Halloween. Am I a great wife or the greatest wife if I surprise him with feetloaf and a spooky cocktail for dinner?

I am team Absolutely Make The Feetloaf! One of my in-laws texted it to the family group text and I think that while it looks creepy, it is still recognizably meatloaf, a substance I enjoy. Go for it!

It's just so charming how much everyone in DC loves the president and just wanted to play a good-natured Halloween prank on him.

I assume Bond would have Q develop a superfast yeast that can double the bread dough in 007 minutes.

What does Trump have against dogs, on a deeper level I mean? He often uses negative analogies with dogs. What is the negative trait he sees? Subservience? Love? Sloppiness?

I think those are three key ones! Whining during his speeches because of all the whistling?

What foods would you recommend for a do-or-die playoff party? Something spooky or 'spook-tacular"? Here in Kennett Square, we don't really have a horse in this race. It would be great if the Nats won, but good baseball is always a joy to watch.

You could do something with mushrooms called Not Mushroom For Error, although I am not sure what that would entail. Just a big mushroom? 

Sexy feetloaf

costume idea for EVERYONE

I see the British Treasury is melting down ANOTHER batch of Brexit coins. ( https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2019/10/29/britain-minted-coins-commemorating-brexit-now-theyre-being-melted-down/ ) What will we put in our Christmas stockings or Boxing Day boxes now?

This is extremely, disproportionately funny to me. Not the commemorative coins! How will we remember what a great success this was? 

You mentioned that you are "relatively hinged." Are you also couth, kempt, heveled and ept?

I am relatively couth and ept but not sheveled or kempt! But I am always gruntled. 

How about "Hoping for a Champignonship"?

Along the lines of the "feet loaf," how about some <a href="https://www.keyingredient.com/recipes/2640135032/hot-dog-fingers/">bloody fingers?</a> Also, when serving the feet loaf, does one slice off the metatarsals first, and announce that it's in a toe-away zone?

Be sure to supply some toe jam, or that approach will be bootless. 

Stay home and give out candy to your neighbors' kids and foster a sense of community instead of going to some lamebrain costume party. Also get on my lawn!

I hope you meant “Get on my lawn!” because I am cracking up. What does a welcoming but cranky neighbor shout at trick-or-treaters? “You kids! Get on my lawn!”  

I'm just imagining a meatloaf in the shape of the leg lamp from A Christmas Story (but lying down)

I think this can be arranged! 

By all the Brexiters' crossed-out tattooed dates.

Do you have a favorite Halloween costume from the past?

I think my favorite was the year I went as John Adams, my best-executed was the year I went as one of two skunks. About my handmade Garfield the Cat costume the less said the better. The concept was not good but then the execution was also not good.

I've read that Honey Crisp apples will have a successor available in selected markets starting in December, called Cosmic Crisp. Will you or any of the other chatters have access to it, to give us peons a report?

I hope someone with access to the latest Apple products will give us the update! 

Which democratic presidential candidate's face would make for the least spooky Jack-o-Lantern? I want the neighborhood kids to know that I am cool and hip and possibly even part of the hashtag resistance but also do not want to scare them from coming onto my porch. I managed to buy 4 pounds of fun size candies at the store and cannot be responsible for eating all of it if the kids don't show. Please help.

I have thought long and hard about this question! I have tried to generate options based on a combination of how well the candidate’s name fits into a spooky pun and ease of carving. I think a Cory Booooooooker pumpkin could be fun and approachable, yet also a little bit spooky? There’s also Pete Boottigeig and Amy Klobooochar, both of whom would require pumpkin wigs. Burnie Cinders would also be a good pumpkin name, if you lit too much of the pumpkin. 

I always answer no, because I'm also a liar.

Ah but is a lie you tell yourself AND your doctor a lie?

*smacks forehead* D'oh! Why didn't I realize that it was just a tribute to Halloween?!

"How do I eat this?" "Take off the toes first," she said archly.

“Is this veal?” “Yes, it’s calf,” she said, remembering too late the concept of Tom Swifties. 

“How many metatarsals are left?” “Nine,” she totally said.

Just another instance of Christmas trying to intrude on Halloween...

Ha! Sorry, I should have stood athwart Thanksgiving yelling “Stop!”

It does have that forced look. As if some idiot guy said "Smile, it's not that bad!" when it was, so you gave him that clenched toothed look.

Wait, which photo are you describing? Is it my Post author pic? Because what you have just said is an equally apt description of every picture for which I have posed since the age of like 11.

You could go as Brexit. It doesn't matter how you dress up, the only thing is not to arrive at anyone's house.

And if you do arrive, don’t leave!

BOO!-to O'Rourke?

Put that pumpkin up on top of a table! 

You forgot Joe Bitin' and Elizabeth Warn.

And Boolian Castro! And of course Kamala Scareis! 

In high school I joined the student council to pad my college applications. We were required to dress up so I borrow some O.R. scrubs with the cap and mask and everything. There was a tube of fake blood and As the day went on I would put some on and then more later and then more later until I didn't realize I was just covered in it (I should remind you these scrubs was borrowed from my mom's friend). More than on person told me, "your costume is very disturbing."

Fake blood can get out of hand very quickly! Your costume went from Regular Surgeon to Surgeon Whose Day Has Gone Horribly Wrong in a way that mirrored the experience of those who had to interact to with you. 

Help! I need a costume idea (either a villain or a saint). My s.o. is going as Greta Thunberg, so a paired costume seems somewhat out of the question. (Not sure how I could dress up as a fossil fuel, for example.) Any ideas?

A fossil fuel would be a great costume! You could get a skeleton costume and carry an empty gas can! 

Last night, I watched the Halloween Baking Championship on Food Network. Their final challenge was to create a scary creature, with blood spewing out of it (its brain, its eyeballs) when they pushed a button. It was horrifying. But the judges said the cakes were delicious.

All’s well that the judges say tasted good! 

Alternatively Boolean Castro is running for president as the form of Algebra in which all the variables and answers are either true/1or false/0.

Ah, see, this is the impenetrable pun level all costumes should aspire to!

An-BOO! Yang? I feel like I'm relaying too hard on BOO for these Halloween themed silly names?

AAAAAAAA!nd-BOOOOO Yang? No I do not think I improved it.

Tom Stare and Tulsi Scabbard.

Yes! Or Tom’s Dire and Tulsi Gaaa! Bird! (Someone who started to say Tulsi Gabbard’s name and was attacked by a bird.)

Aha, the perfume and makeup phenomenon, where you get used to your scent or paint and think you don't have enough on so you pile on more until someone complains to HR about the headaches your VOCs give them.

Go as the sail boat on which she traveled to the US?

Maybe as a dinosaur, or an oil barrel.

Go as a sail boat.

Two votes for sailboat!

Who would you like to write and direct the next Star Wars Trilogy?

I don’t care who directs it as long as I get to write one! 

Sexy candy corn

I am *sure* this exists. 

True. I have no sole.

If your SO is Greta Thunberg, pin a toy boat to your shirt, and add a bunch of signs saying "half-off", "big discount", etc. If anyone asks, tell them you are a sale boat.

It might be easier just to draw a sailboat on your shirt, but this is the kind of commitment to illegible puns that makes Halloween costumes so richly rewarding. 

If you had to choose would you bathe in sour cream or cottage cheese? And would you prefer peacocks or ostriches in attendance?

Oh, sour cream. Cottage cheese is chunky. And peacocks; an ostrich could kill me, but I think I could hold my own vs a peacock. If the ostriches were well-behaved, though, I think they’re niftier birds. 

Cows don't have metatarsals.

But the feetloaf does! 

Who knew that if you're stuck for costume ideas, Alexandra Petri's Live Chat is the place to go? Now I know at least.

I’m glad you know! 

I'm just going to put a coach's whistle hanging from a lanyard around my neck. If people ask, i'll give it a little toot and wait for them to say 'ah, the whistle blower'. Then I'll say 'Close, i'm a *sexy* whistle blower'. - 55 y.o, a-bit-overweight, guy should work, right? happy halloween!

Yes! Remember, a “sexy costume” is just a state of mind! Especially if it is chilly out!

My senior year of high school, I wore by brother's old cowardly lion costume that my mother had made for him for the 5th grade musical. The costume had been loose on him, and I had to hunch over a bit all day because there wasn't *quite* enough room between the crotch and the shoulders to stand up strait, but it basically fit. Personally embarrassing, but I had to wear it. It was just there and far better than any other choices which cost nothing. Plus the only classmates who realized what it was had also had younger siblings with significant parts in that particular 5th grade show. There were only two of them.

Cowardly Lion is a good costume! But a fifth grade musical to senior year — I’m just amazed it fit, even with the contortions described! 

How would you manage a sexy beekeeper?

Same costume as regular beekeeper, but shout that this is what you are through the layers of netting. Or wear a name tag. Or there’s always I guess the option of a diaphanous beekeeper suit. 

Wear a Santa hat, stick some turkey feathers in your pocket, and carry a pumpkin and say that you are a Target store.

Ha! I love it. And on that note, happy Halloween, all! See you next week! And in the interim, on the blog (washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost) and Twitter (@petridishes)! 

In This Chat
Alexandra Petri
Alexandra Petri is a Washington Post columnist offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of "A Field Guide to Awkward Silences." She joined The Post as an intern in 2010, after graduating from Harvard College.
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