ComPost Live with Alexandra Petri

Aug 26, 2014

Join us next Tuesday to laugh, cry, and dish about the moments that amused you, shocked you, or caused you to yell things that frightened the other people on the subway.

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Good day, all!

Anyone else watch the Emmys? Any thoughts? 

What else is on your mind?

Thanks for trying your hand at golf earlier so we don't have to. I used to play it years ago but wasn't good at it, so I gave it up. I'd rather try a hand at groundskeeping instead, like in "Caddyshack." It would be fun to turn the sprinklers on snobs and other horrible people on the links, and it would definitely be a blast to blow up gopher tunnels underneath the fairways and greens, especially while people are playing. I may never get to catch the gopher, but blowing up stuff is always a great stress reliever.

The funnier story was not in fact the golf but what happened after golf, when I sat down at the club house area at a picnic table and started writing up my notes from the afternoon, and a man who appeared to have gone to his barber and requested whatever haircut would cause him to most resemble an eggplant came over and started telling me recipes. If you want to know how to make what this man claimed was Popeye's Chicken, I have the notes in my bag and can get them out!

My new school announced it is being run like a business. I did not mind this at first, yet I am a little concerned that they have me all day at the door greeting people..


As long as they don't start relocating production to take advantage of favorable tax climes. 

They found what looks like a thigh bone on Mars. Earlier they found what looks like a donut on Mars. Here is my theory: Donuts killed off the Martians.

Do you read Brewster Rockit, Space Guy? 

Mm, donuts! 

I believe you are the only pundit who can make sense of the insanity. "I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a mountain of meat in this crazy mixed-up world."

Apparently it contains fewer calories than a chipotle steak burrito with guac and sour cream! 

I'll add that to the list o' guinea pig adventures.

I also want to know about all this Fun that beer companies are trying to force on us. Budweiser is making some kind of city for fun spontaneous people, and now Heineken is trying to join them? All these stunts make me nervous that if someone actually gets abducted by a voice from a payphone and sent to an underground puppet-fighting ring, he'll just assume it's a Coors promotion.

... wear a button that reads "I Beat Ebola!"?

I definitely would. 

Oh, wait, should have said, "The only sure way to beat Ebola is not to play." 

Star-Lord = Han Solo. Groot = Chewbacca. Gamora = Princess Leia. Rocket = Yoda.

I loved it. I have seen it three times. (This obviously pales in comparison to the number of times I have seen Empire, which I have watched so often that if you asked me to write out every line of dialogue right now and donate to a deserving charity when I missed one, I would donate way less than anyone would hope.)

Totally buy the Han/Star-Lord comparison, as well as the Groot/Chewie and Gamora/Leia, but I have to nix the Rocket/Yoda. Much anger in Rocket. And Yoda never travels with the gang. 

The trouble is that Rocket/Groot are a strong pair the way Han/Chewie are. 

I think Groot has some R2 in him, and Rocket has a little 3pO, but he's actually competent, not just talkative, so -- I don't know. 

People have also tried mapping the character types onto the Avengers, with some success. 

Ooh, I did watch the Emmy;s! I thought that Seth Meyers was good as the host. Jimmy Kimmel was pretty funny during his time presenting. And that Sarah Bareilles has an amazing voice.

Yeah, when do you come away from the in memoriam tribute thinking, "Hey, that singer did a really solid job without drawing too much attention to herself!"

Colbert's bit with the invisible friend didn't really land, which makes me worry about what Stephen Colbert will be doing once he has to lose the ironic quotation marks around his name.  

Golf is a good walk spoiled.


Or a good electric cart ride interrupted by being forced to get out and whack balls with a big stick. 

The timefluxes are discovered in caves. You jump in, and an app tells you what time you are jumping off. When you jump off, you appear to the people of the past as a ghost. You are incorporeal, can't influence anything, only observe. Meanwhile your timejumping buddies have dragged your comatose body out of the flux so they can jump in. The sport is risky, your body needs attention, rich jumpers hire nurses who hook up IVs and monitors. Normally you jump for eight to ten hours. When you awake from the coma, it appears to your mind as a very vivid dream.



Why would I watch the Emmys when I could watch more old Simpsons episodes? Seriously, there was an episode last night where Bart and Lisa and some other kids wanted to embarrass the adults (to get them to lift a curfew) so they set up a pirate radio station. One said that they should just post the information on the internet. Bart replied that they needed the information to get out to people who *mattered*. Episode was from 1999. Simpsons as cultural history.

I know! It's amazing to watch them move along the S-curve! 

And amazing for other reasons, obviously. 

Baseballs been very, very good to me. Golf, I no understand, We spent one gym class in my four years in high school on golf. We spend the entire period learning how to grasp the club. Then we each got three swings. I missed the ball each of my three springs. I then retired from golf with these final stats: 1 at bat, 1 strikeout,

I am still sore because what felt like 80% of my swings also missed the ball entirely, and those are not muscles I'm accustomed to using at all. 

Then again, at least the ball isn't moving. Baseball always stymied me because the ball was moving. 

I challenge you, Gene Weingarten, and Dave Barry to sit on a flag pole for 8 hours or else you have to send me a check for $100,


If half the world population dies from ebola, here is the big question: Will the Washington Post survive the decline in readership?

The Washington Post subscribers will be spared. 

What was your take on the Sophia Vergara on a turntable bit? I wasn't offended because it was sexist; I was offended because it wasn't funny. For a moment, I wondered if it was 'meta' - intentionally not funny so as to show that it's not funny to be sexist. But I decided it wasn't sharp enough to be meta. And it went on too long. But her lines were actually kinda funny and she did look fantastic, so I guess that was kinda sorta something. thoughts?

Whenever I see Sofia Vergara doing something I am reminded of the old Eleanor Roosevelt quote that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent -- or, in this case, no one can get you to stand on a pedestal and spin around and be objectified without your consent. She was clearly in on the bit, it just wasn't a funny bit. But she clearly realizes that sex appeal is a part of her overall appeal and plays that up, it's just -- it feels weird and dated if that's the only joke you're making in 2014.

Uff da. 

My flag pole sitting wasn't for ALS. It was for a check sent to me. I really need the money.

Well, in THAT case!

Thought Seth did a good job, especially his opening and the bit with Amy Poehler --who was robbed again!!!! Favorite presenters were Woody Harrelson and Matthew McCounaghy--funny and looked like they coordinated their outfits.

Yes! Concur on all three counts! 

Is that just readers of the print edition or does it include those of us who aren't anywhere near Washington but faithfully follow the WaPo on the Internet?

I think you'll be spared, but a small sacrifice never hurt. Maybe sit on a flagpole briefly?

I hate this game. I hate this game. I hate this game. Nice shot! I love this game.


You can only go so far back in time, and then the flux brings you forward to the present again. The gizmo keeps track of where you are. Timejumping is big in Kansas.

Have they legalized time travel? Is that the takeaway here?

I waited until the Robin Williams memorial before going to bed. That was well done, as was the early part of the show. Tim Watley kissing Elaine Benes was great. But, Jim Parsons, Ty Burrell, and Modern Family again? I love those actors and shows, but c'mon already. At least Julie Bowen didn't win.

Yeah, it's odd how dominant that show is. 

Oh, speaking of poor showings, my work computer is doing one of those ominous reboot countdowns, so if I vanish sooner than usual, that is why! It's not imminent yet, just wanted to heads-up!

If if you fling it poorly, it is a large disc and comes in florescent colors. Harder to lose in tall grasses. I really think this could your sport, Alexandra !

That does sound more manageable! 

The Stone = Death Star.


Although I feel like the Stone is much more MacGuffin-y than the Star. 

Robots are taking that over. More time for people to golf. Note: Robots don't golf.

How do you KNOW?

That's just because we've been keeping robots off the course all this time. But a hopeful groundskeeper's robot offspring is probably practicing its swings right now. 

After all, he was Scottish.

No, Irish! He and Shaw both. 

I'm still surprised he didn't make a golf quip though.

Which has a greater impact on one's lifestyle and economic decisions? Would you be willing to try the latter just to see if you like it?

I am POSITIVE I would like it, because it's heroin. Everybody likes it. And I saw a Doctor Phil on this subject once. 

I am troubled by this. I find it vaguely unAmerican that some people can go in and order something that other people cannot. I also find troubling the idea that, say, McDonalds, a restaurant known for consistent but adequate-at-best hamburgers, could theoretically be selling the finest poisson aux fines herbes known to humanity through the back door.

Starbucks sells frozen blended lemonades (both pink and yellow) that don't appear on the menu and are DARN excellent, so there's that to add to the list too. 

So can we organize a conference call as part of this chat? Not sure what the topic would be. Golf? Bacon? How about how best to eat bacon while playing golf?

As long as we're all secretly in the restroom during the call, this is fine.

Ever heard of "Rustic Golf"? It's played on cattle pastures in the Azores islands (don't worry, the livestock are herded into different pastures before the match). Since holes are ill-advised because the animals could break their ankles when they return to the pasture later, circles are painted on the grass for the goal instead. Only a couple of golf clubs are needed, since the sport's not as, um, precise as classic golf is. Friends who play Rustic Golf assure me a good time is had by all.

This sounds like a good time! I'm glad they're looking out for the animals on the grass. 

To talk to the idiot on the other side. What did the chicken say to the idiot? What, you don't remember?

This reminds me of something one of the numerous Darth Vaders following me on Twitter joked: "Why did Senator Palpatine cross the road?" "To get to the Dark side." 

What the hell was Lena Dunham wearing? I cannot be charitable like Robin Givhan. It was a horror. It was worse than Bjork's swan dress of a decade ago. I could style her better than whoever she hired.

I liked that it was adventurous. I was watching with Think Progress's eminent @JessicaGolds and we agreed that, while the overall trend of crop tops as formalwear is distressing, we liked that Lena is not afraid to wear fun things that nobody else would have picked out for her when styling. 

All that talk about buttery greens in your golf article had me antsy to go home and sautee some asparagus and zucchini. Maybe you should start a golf-themed food truck, where everything that's not sauteed is Petri-fried.

Speaking of buttery things and food trucks, the CapMac DC truck is back! But I am terrified that they changed their recipe because there were peppers in it that I didn't remember. Still great, though. 







Explain, I guess, is what I'm saying.

Have you seen "The Intelligent Woman's Guide to Capitalism and Socialism (1928)" ? It is one of those funny reads, in retrospect...

I'm pre-emptively HA-ing it! I'll have to check it out.

I think Hank Stuever said it best: the 2014 Emmys are your guide to the best TV of 2011.


Yup, that nails it.

was glad to see Sherlock got some recognition at the Emmys last night, only regret is that neither Bandersnatch Cummerbund or Martin Freeman were there to accept their awards. -didn't see anyone predicting the show would win.

I'm happy for Sherlock too! It has a real aesthetic and the performances are super. 

And +10 for remembering Bandersnatch Cummerbund. 

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the chicken borrowed money from the road and never paid it back.

Why did the chicken cross the road? 

Because the egg crossed the road and the chicken didn't want to come second.

You know, the mini-golf course there is apparently historical or something, so you should have tried that when you were there! The only full-sized golfing I've done was at a driving range, where I quickly lost interest once I learned you aren't allowed to hit the ball at the guy driving the golf ball picker-upper machine even though he has that metal cage around him.

That's good information to have!

I saw some people playing the mini-course, but I didn't realize it was historic! It looked fun. 

I always thought because it was to get away from Colonel Sanders. After all, the Colonel wouldn't want to look foolish running through traffic chasing a chicken while wearing a white suit.

The Colonel's default look is "foolish," though. I don't think running would make it much worse.

Maybe the chicken crossed the road because it heard a catcall and it was late and the chicken was nervous.

so if I can only see one movie this weekend, should I go to this one? Loved the original 3 Star Wars movies, the rest, bleck.

I loved loved loved it in the way I only really love one movie every summer, and I'd recommend it. Has a very original-trilogy vibe. And the voice performances are super. 

It was not daring -- it was a multi-colored bolt of tuille wrapped around her 50+ times. And Guardians of the Galaxy sucked because it had no soul. It cannot touch the original Star Wars trilogy.

Nothing can touch the original Star Wars trilogy, but with that caveat, I thought Guardians had a nice amount of soul. Maybe I'm just soul-starved after many summers. 

I just looked it up and realized Bjork wore the swan dress 13 years ago, which made me feel old. Then I remembered that the movie "American Graffiti" was looking nostalgically back at 1962 from.... 1973. How wistful do you get for the innocent days of 11 years ago, when "Crazy In Love" had just come out and Blue Ivy was still years in the future?

I don't get nostalgic for the nineties at all, although I distinctly remember chatting with my friends as we looked at a picture that we had just taken, asking each other, "Which of these clothes that we are now wearing will we look back on and say, 'Oh no, how misguided and dated' of?" And the answer is -- everything. Except what Meredith is wearing. She always had superior taste. 

I'll admit to watching (and loving) "Modern Family." Yes, even over "Veep." ("Silicon Valley" might be funnier, but give it another season or two to ramp up awards momentum.) "OITNB" is a better show, but it's a dramedy that tips too drama to win for comedy. Bad choice. And, as great as "Fargo" was, "True Detective" could have beaten it if it were properly categorized. "TD" took a dumb gamble, because "Breaking Bad" was one of the best shows in TV history -- straight through (even especially in) the last season -- and no one else could, or should, have won.

This is a solid assessment, I think, though we differ on "Modern Family." I love "Veep" and think it really gets DC in a way nothing else set here currently does. 

I'm also enjoying Silicon Valley, way more than I ever did King of the Hill! 

And yeah, OITNB -- no way that takes comedy, even though it's super. It's just not a comedy. 

Richard III in London? I think he is forgiven for skipping a awards show for that. Is it even possible to fly back from LA in time to do a Tuesday show in London (assuming you need at least a nap once you get back before going on stage)?


Why did the chicken cross the road? To see a man lay bricks. Why did the duck cross the road? It was stapled to the chicken.

I like this through-line of chicken jokes. 

Computer's shutting me down in 9 minutes!

So, if I can only see one movie last weekend, I should rent "Star Wars", correct?

This is always correct. 

Last weekend? Are you time-jumping?

Meredith Vieira? Meredith Baxter?

I didn't hang out with Meredith Vieira when I was 15. 

Or now, for that matter. 


Seems kind of daring to me, like you're wagering you won't have to use the toilet at any point during the night.

No more dangerous than wearing a leotard. 

I am also a reasonably big Star Wars fan and I saw GotG last Thursday because I had the day off after a doctor's appointment. Liked it a lot. Not obsessed. Not going to be. But I liked it and it certainly seems more likely to please than anything else that is out right now. Or you could go to AFI Silver and see Star Wars itself.

This is correct.

Le robot assure le service à tous les étages 20 13, 2014 «Les applications de robots collaboratifs, que ce soit dans les usines, les ... Des automates commencent également à fouler les greens de golf ...

Something about applications of collaborative robots in factories and how the automatons are equally beginning to Fouler the greens of golf. 

I was moved by Julianna Margulies' shoutout to costar Christine Baranski last night. Baranski is one of the finest performers in show biz today (acting, singing, dancing), and recently suffered the death of her beloved husband.

And her Sunshine was a highlight of Chicago! Speaking of things from more than ten years ago. 

Taylor Swift must've had the same problem the night before at the VMAs with that onesie she was wearing.

It's a wonder anyone ever wears clothes to events at all. 

Bad guy steals object that will destroy the universe. Good guys take it from him in the last scene. In the middle things blow up.

And on that note, the computer is shutting me down!

This is how the revolution begins. Take back the golf courses!

Keep reading the Compost, and feel free to join me on Twitter!

To go to the theater to see "Star Wars". rather than spend the afternoon in his mother's basement.

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Alexandra Petri
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