ComPost Live with Alexandra Petri

Feb 26, 2013

Join us next Tuesday to laugh, cry, and dish about the moments that amused you, shocked you, or caused you to yell things that frightened the other people on the subway.

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Connect on Twitter: @PostLive | @petridishes

What do you think? Should Mark Hamill go to the dark side and sign with Disney?

Given what my answer was for Harrison Ford, I think you can guess my answer for Mark Hamill...

Also, hello! I'll be here until 12:15!

I am glad the Postal Service is launching a clothing line. We all know the deep dark female fantasy is a guy dressed like Cliff Clavin.

It's like a more civically-minded version of those delivery men who are always showing up at the openings of movies!

I am glad someone finally pointed out that fish is often mislabeled. Many of the restaurants I go to say it is "fish" when it really is "cat".

Many of the ikeas I go to say it is meatball...


Bacon flavored stamps!

How did "Simpsons-flavored" occur to them before bacon-flavored?

Are you feeling awesome, loathsome, meddlesome, or winsome?

The some of all fears!

You winsome you lose some, to borrow another's joke.


Instead of playing the "Jaws" theme, I think television should show a computer generated tiger devouring the person who runs over. That would be more fun to watch than some boring extended speech.

Honestly, I wasn't bothered by any of the speeches' length. If anything I wanted the Sound Wizards to talk more!

It felt as though they were interminable when I was younger, but you could argue that with every passing year, each moment you live feels proportionally shorter and nothing in later life will ever be as interminable as waiting thirty minutes for the bus when you were ten. 

My significant other wants to get us a matching pair. I get to pick the design.

You had better send the chat pics, or we will not believe!

I'm throwing the question open to the group. My vote is for shark suits, but that is always my vote, to the point that I am causing problems for a wedding I'm going to be in the party of later.

In your alternative Academy Awards, you missed a very important category: Best Performance having sex with a disabled person. Helen Hunt would have won for the third time (The Sessions, As Good as it Gets, and The Waterdance). Bravo, Helen.

This is where someone else says "And 'What Women Want'!" and I scowl at them and say that Mel Gibson's condition is nothing to mock.

(That's my impression of Seth MacFarlane's intro to the boob song!)

Alexandra, how do you feel about IKEA being the latest company to fall under the rein of European horse meat scandals - here in their Swedish meatballs? I hope there's no mislabeled horse products in their furniture too. Will WaPo conduct a Gallop poll to see if folks' buying habits will change from this - aye or neigh? I'm guessing famous horses from Rafalca Romney to Mr. Ed will have to trot over to Europe to plead NOT to eat their brethren. "Hello, I'm Mr. Ed. Please don't eat me."

As someone quipped on Twitter, "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse! Guess I'll stop at IKEA."


Am I going to have to send Javert to search for you?

Don't do that, or I'll wind up getting elected mayor in a highly improbable concatenation of circumstances, and in my first act I'll turn all the taxis the wrong color.

OK, your piece on the Chinese hackers was awesome. I guess we should be concerned about the potential damage to, um, who - the US goverment? But it all seems a bit ridiculous. Although perhaps those whose emails got hacked don't find it silly. Maybe they'll uncover more top-level military commanders having secret affiars?

Thanks! Ezara Klein and some other Post writers who wrote on it had a good take -- the hackers seem to be looking for a coordinated plan, and, well, good luck finding one of those in Washington! The only secret plans we cover up (and even those ineptly) are plans to meet someone who isn't your wife for a late lunch. But at the same time, I hope this serves as a wakeup call on cyber issues. Proprietary information and trade secrets are not as funny as endless interoffice emails...

Isn't the Sequester the American version of the Conclave? Should we be watching for white steam coming out of The Speaker's ears?

Now that's a visual!

Maybe for me, it's the fear of all sums. I'm terrified of addition.

For me it's that 1916 battle -- The Somme of all fears!

Or Ru Paul's Drag Race -- The Sum of all Fierce

Would you go more speeches and less music, or keep both and tell people to set their Tivos to run longer?

I have an idea:

No host! Just giant, tasteful gifs of Tina Fey smiling slowly between each award. This would save time and enable us to make it through the entire Bond theme oeuvre...

Very nice.

Yes, seconded! Should have noted as much at the time, but I didn't want to stirrup controversy.

Need-to-know is the cardinal rule. Moles can't get much. Manning seemed to get too much. "Why was this precaution not taken...?" Yesterday was easy.

How ... true... that... is?

Is he predictable, or what? I have never found him funny. I always know what the punchline is going to be. How does he keep getting work?

Yeah, honestly, my biggest complaint wasn't that the jokes were sexist so much as that they were easy. But that's easy to say from the peanut gallery. He's very good at what he does. And also, in general, Jokes Other People Make can have this quality of obviousness that is only obvious in retrospect. I don't think his generally have that problem, but still.

Ack. Glad I haven't had meatballs at Ikea lately. If I found out I ate horsemeat I would likely get sick and wind up in the horsepital.



Well, I'm sure they'd show you horse brutality, to borrow a Rocky Horror joke.

If Javert does come searching for you, at least you may be tipped off by the sudden singing you hear outside.

I like the odd Les Mis horse pun party this chat is slowly becoming.

Work on, my medicine, work!

Maybe we can incorporate Javert's horse somehow (does he have a horse in the book? Or does Russell Crowe insist on a horse wherever he goes, the way some actors demand color-sorted M&Ms?) and bring this full circle!

Why can't we have a "like" button on the chat? I really like the image of Boehner with smoke coming out his ears.

In general, I wish Life had a "Like" button.

I just read on that Britain has no national holiday. This makes sense as most national holidays center around celebrations of either defeating Britain or gaining their independence from Britain. I believe the Brits should defeat themselves so they have something to celebrate.

They have, uh, Guy Fawkes Day... which is close.

Your statement about "... gifs of Tina Fey smiling slowly between each award" is a gif to grammar nitpickers. "Between each award" is impossible; I suspect what you meant was "between awards." Yes?

Oh, eugh! Yes, that's what I meant! Sorry! Groveling apologies!

I'm going to see Band of Gypsys next weekend in the DeLorean.

Now that would be a good use of a time machine -- going to see all the great concerts of the past! And you wouldn't even have to take time off work!

Or wait, does your Delorean exist in the present? In that case, hey! Well done!

According to Dana Milbank, Congress, instead of talking sequester, is trying to “redesignate the Dryden Flight Research Center as the Neil A. Armstrong Flight Research Center.” This is insane. Why wouldn't they rename it The James Tiberius Kirk Research Center?

This is correct! If we can't get a Death Star, we AT LEAST deserve a James T. Kirk center!

Why can't Tina Fey and Amy Poehler host everything? In fact, they should give the next Inaugural address in 2017.

Heck, I'd settle for George Takei!

Whoa, let's rein it in a little.

Don't bridle at my jest!

Actually, I think according to pun-off rules, that doesn't count, because it's just using the word. To qualify I'd have to say something like "Bridle at my jest, do you? I bet the bride'll bridle at my shark suit!"

If you are going to a wedding in a shark suit onesie, we need to see a photo of that. Are all the bridesmaids wearing shark suit onuses? Then we really want photos. If the minister takes too long, will you start humming the "Jaws" theme?

We would all be in shark suit onesies, but we can't agree on a color! June! So difficult! And you just know that someone's mother is going to show up as a hammerhead, just to be difficult.

Do you believe the theory that Seth MacFarlane was playing a caricature to satirize sexism? If so, I think meta humor just doesn't work on award shows.

You mean, was he trolling? I wonder that. I think Seth had plausible trollability on a lot of those bits, and the rabid response has done little to discourage this belief.

That being said, I would have loved less obvious jokes that were less awkward-frat-basement, and I think one of the byproducts of their not being obvious and fratty would have been that they wouldn't have been as sexist, but -- maybe this is EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS ME TO THINK!

I wonder if I would be able to retain my equine-imity in the face of horse brutality?

Foal me once, shame on me...

I tried to buy some cart-training software for my Shetland pony, but it was a little buggy.

At least IKEA has the sense to sell only a rocking moose, and not a rocking horse.

They do sell horse-shaped cake pans, though!

Please don't bridle at such things, or I will have to come over to the Post building and pommel you.

But that would make me sad, and getting me sad'll get you nowhere!

Makes onesie a little hoarse. So pony up to the bar for some cough syrup.

-What did C-3PO tell the space horse who was looking for a place to spend the night?

-I'm not sure this asteroid is entirely stable.

You didn't even get the sly little additional pun I slipped into my earlier comment! (Either that or you chose to ignore it.) Verb. sap.: Beware of geeks bearing gifs.

No, I got it! I was just so immersed in the puns that I didn't even feel compelled to flag it! This chat has spoiled me!

Also, from your pun, I sense that you pronounce it "gif," as I now hear is correct, but I thought it was "Jiff" for so long that people began to accuse me of being an unhip impostor.

Saying that something's "meta" is a total cop-out. It can still be stupid.

That's very, very true. It's not a get-out-of-joke-free card.

How can you not agree on a color for shark suit onuses? How many colors of sharks are there?

Well, there's grey...



(Apologies for all the caps I am flinging around with wild abandon.)

I do not understand the squeamishness about eating horse meat. I have always wanted to try horse meat, but it is not available in the US.

Road trip!

"The harp music will quiet you and you'll soon be well again." Postwear? 200 pound coat of mail, bronze leggings and a bronze javelin. Have the armor bearer walk ahead with a huge shield.

I think this has something to do with a tweet I sent earlier about Achilles, but I might be way off.

"Are all the bridesmaids wearing shark suit onuses? " It's funnier that way though.

Truth! I haven't changed it because, as you note, "onuses" is a much funnier spelling of "onesies."

It's easy to blame somebody else. It's even easier to blame the horse. I wouldn't harp on it too much. I like seahorses.

It's like that seafood joke -- "I'm on a seafood diet! When I see food, I eat it!"

I'm on a seahorse diet...

Wow, there are 50 shades of grey. I find it hard to chain myself to this concept. We should thrash out this concept fuller.

I think, in a way, everyone in this chat is a glutton for punnishment.

Who cares if Inspector Javert had a horse? Just cheval that aside, lest Hugo too far and open yourself to horsetility from your audience.

Ooh, +10, you!

I tried to come up with some french horse jokes, but all mine were mared.

(That doesn't even make sense, really...)

I wouldn't worry about the misspelling -- as far as I'm concerned, the onesie is on the chatter to check his/her spelling!

*audible laughter*

I heard you on NPR "Morning Edition" this morning, talking about Barnes and Noble. Your voice is so sophisticated!

Oh, right, this happened!

Is it? I thought I sounded a little horse.


Yes, we are all glutens for punish, Force us to eat cupcakes and cakes. More, more, more. Let us eat cake! You did say gluten for punishment, right.

Well, on that note, I think I'm going to start wrapping things up! Like someone preparing a nasty sandwich!

...should've been reserved for the Oscars host.


You have to make the guys wear sharkskin suits too. Mine's ready to lend in case there's a 6-5, 300 lb groomsman.

That must have been a big shark!

Spellcheck changes onuses to onuses. Draft.

And on that note, the onesie is on me to skedaddle!

Have a glorious remainder of the week!

Spellcheck turned turned drat into draft. Shazams! Let.'s see what spellcheck does with that.

Keep reading the Compsot and feel free but feer to follow me on Twttier!

In This Chat
Alexandra Petri
Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost, a lighter take on the news and issues of the day, and she contributes to the Post editorial page. Her work has appeared in venues such as The Huffington Post, The Week,,, Collegehumor, and The Harvard Crimson. She has appeared on Jeopardy!, Showbiz Tonight and Canadian radio, and she has performed at Boston's Comedy Studio and Comedy Connection. She would love to be on your TV show, radio show, Daily Show, HBO special, or to be an honored guest (or regular guest) at your Bar Mitzvah. She is the author of two books (unpublished, but contact her!), two screenplays, three plays, one musical, and one memoir (Ernest Hemingway's A Moveable Feast.)
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