Every other Tuesday, Steven Petrow (the author of "Steven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners") addresses questions about LGBT and straight etiquette in his column, Civilities.
In between, join Steven for his chat about everything that's on your mind.
Here's more about Steven's "Civilities" column and what makes him the person to dole out advice.
You can also reach Steven on Facebook at facebook.com/stevenpetrow and on Twitter @stevenpetrow.
I recently saw a nice IKEA commercial that showed lots of different couples using IKEA furniture. One of the couples featured was two women who said to each other "Happy Anniversary." If the arc of universe bends towards justice, I'll say that my parents (in their 70s) probably wouldn't have like the commercial at all. My wife and I (in our 50s) liked the commercial, but definitely noticed it. Our adult children in their 20s didn't even notice it (which I believe is a good thing.)
I think you pretty well captured the sentiments of three generations when it comes to LGBT acceptance. Your parents raised you well and ditto for you re: your kids.
Did you or your adult children notice Nike's commercial last night, which featured Chris Mosier, the first out trans athlete to compete in the US nationals? I think that's the next boundary when it comes to acceptance.
Hello Steven. Thank you for this safe place! I have seen a change in my brother's circle of friends in the past few months, and I am convinced he is at the very least transcurious. I am very sensitive and perceptive to this sort of thing since I have long struggled with being bi with my family and friends. Last weekend and I overheard him in his room singing "It feels like the first trans. It feels like my very first trans" and he had the happiest smile on his face! It just made me so happy inside. In your experience would it be wise for me to offer him counsel (he doesn't know about my orientation). Or would I risk him potentially overreacting and shutting down and living in an even more conflicted state? I love him dearly and I really want to do what is best for him. Thank you for your expert advice!
Thanks for writing. It sounds as though your brother is quite happy, which is fantastic news. Instead of offering him counsel about his possible gender identity why don't you just start the conversation about your sexual orientation. That may lead to other conversations ... but in general I say let folks come out to you on their own timetable.
Hello! Great timing for your guest this week! I have long had a thing for swimmers (I am gay) even though the feelings are always a bit traumatic since I was beaten up in high school for winking at a boy swimmer I fancied and thought might be interested in me. I actually always dread the Olympics because of this (confounded face). But what do you suggest for situations where you are in a group with unfamiliar people and others start to question if you are paying more attention to the men's swimming than the conversation and then you don't even bother watching the women? I hate to feel like I should miss what I want to see when out with a group of friends of friends but I also find it awkward to announce I am gay to a group of strangers. Thanks!
Assuming you're in a safe place, why not just come out? The others are coming out to you as straight (not that gay men only watch male athletes or straight guys, just women). I think many of us (I'll include myself here) are often traumatized by what happened to us as young gay men that we have trouble letting go of it -- and fear being retraumatized. You're not that person anymore .... and I trust your friends aren't like those high school 'friends' of yours.
Yes, there will always be differences in height and weight between the competitors. However, hormones alone do not represent the differences between males and females. Females also have monthly bloody menses that lasts about one week every 4-5 weeks. Monthly blood loss can definitely affect women's hemoglobin and oxygen levels, which can significantly impact women's performance in sports. To level the competitive field, men would need to give monthly blood donations to mimic menses. Does monthly blood loss not matter?
We have a choice when it comes to trans athletes. 1) We can keep throwing up these arguments about "unfair" advantages, or 2) We can accept we all have advantages and disadvantages and focus on inclusion. I opt for #2. With that said, trans women have to take a ridiculous amount of hormones and drugs to qualify for competition. Should we then force all women to start taking mind-affecting drugs as well to bring them down to the level of trans athletes? We all have things that help and hurt us in sports. Let's stop focusing on what makes us different and focus on what makes us part of the same sports world.
Tom Daley's win is a big deal for LGBTQ athletes, but i can't help but notice a lot of the press coverage all but ignores his diving partner, Daniel Goodfellow. Good for LGBTQ's, but is it normal to shaft a lesser known athlete like that?
Yeah, it's normal. Tom Daley has been a "name" in sports since he was 14 in 2008. He's been a decade-long staple in the diving world. He's also a pin-up boy and a hero to many LGBT people. His diving partner isn't any of those things. It's like in football. Everyone knows Tom Brady - but I bet no one in this chat can name a single offensive lineman who blocks for him. But with a name like Goodfellow, I'm sure Daniel can find his way out of Daley's shadow. :-)
Where doe the Olympics stand concerning transgender athletes who have to take hormones. Are these banned or allowed? Does the organization even broach the topic?
Yeah there's a clear understanding that hormones are a necessary part of transition. Chris Mosier takes hormones. The IOC policy addresses this and sets some standards. If he was suddenly jacked up like Barry Bonds, he wouldn't be allowed to compete. You can read the new policy here.
...the world's then-greatest decathlete, Bruce Jenner, had transitioned to Caitlin prior to the 1976 Summer Olympics, then chosen to compete in the women's pentathlon or heptathlon. Would this origin have given Caitlin an unfair advantage over cis-gender, lesbian and bisexual competitors?
A couple things here. First, I never use Caitlyn's former name. Ever. My policy is to never use any trans person's former name. They have enough issues being accepted for who they are now without me bringing up their old name. Second, my issue is with the word "unfair." People don't understand what it is to transition genders, the incredibly difficult process, the mental strain, the physical strain of hormone therapy and gender-reassignment surgery. I have no doubt that Jenner would have some advantages over other female competitors, and she would have some disadvantages as well. But let's be clear - we have not seen anything like a male Olympic decathlon champion transitioning and attempting to compete at the height of her physical ability. When we do see that, we'll cross that bridge.
Basing gender on hormone levels is dangerous. What if a born female decides to undergo Male puberty with Testosterone, and then decides to change back to Female at age 20? She had the advantages of Testosterone therapy and male development, and then stops taking hormones to become a female again. This is a dangerous slippery slope for future female athletes.
I absolutely agree with you. 100%. We do NOT want to venture again down the gender-testing route. To be clear, the testosterone levels they have set in their new policy are in regards to TRANS athletes, not INTERSEX athletes. With that being said, INTERSEX athletes are subject to certain tests. Given the sports world's total obsession with testosterone, I'm not sure we'll ever get past this, certainly not in the near future. We just have to keep talking about it and helping people understand that ADVANTAGE is ADVANTAGE and not necessarily "unfair."
That is a pretty strong dichotomy you are presenting. Isn't it possible that there is something that may be less than courage but doesn't get to cowardice? Desire for privacy in personal matters? Desire to concentrate on the competition at hand?
Re the desire to compete: That holds for a time, but look at the lack of retired athletes coming out. There is no need to compete there. As for privacy? Sure, some people are addicted to their own privacy - I get that. But even many of them are controlled by fear. Is it one of the other? Courage or cowardice? I never see the world in black and white. But given how few athletes come out, I'm pretty confident in saying that cowardice on this issue controls far too many athletes.
My understanding is that many female athletes take contraceptives that prevent monthly menstruation (in fact, medical research has found that skipping monthly periods that way is not unhealthful, and some women are availing themselves of this opportunity).
I'm not surprised. Every elite athlete will do everything they can - some only the legal things and some illegal - to win. Supplements, diet, training, oxygen chambers - you name it. And if these contraceptives aren't against the rules, I imagine every elite-level female athlete will be on them at some point if it truly does give an advantage.
menstrual blood is not a significant blood loss for most women (several tablespoons). In addition, to be able to train at that level for years, I suspect that most of them use contraception that reduces the amount of blood lost - either birth control pills or an IUD.
Again, everyone has advantages and disadvantages. Should we start making sure that every woman is losing the same amount of blood? Extracting more blood from those who don't lose a lot of blood? You can take these advantage/disadvantage arguments anywhere you want. I think the IOC's current policy is just about as good as we're going to get right now. At younger levels, it's appropriate that certain things like hormone therapy not be mandated - for scholastic sports where PARTICIPATION and EDUCATION, not "winning," are the foci.
Among Team LGBTI, are there any men who play a team sport? It always seems that women athletes, and men who compete individually (or in pairs), have less trouble than do men in team sports. And I think I know why, but I still find it disappointing.
They're all team sports at some level. But basketball, rugby, soccer - sports like that? No. Rower Robbie Manson and diver Tom Daley both have partners for their events. And they all compete in team competitions, even in the individual sports like gymnastics and equestrian.
