Carolyn Hax Live: "You're bored. End of the line on this relationship, no?" (June 10)

A good friend of mine from college is getting married at the end of the summer. I was really looking forward to her wedding. We were part of a big group who have all moved to different places after graduating 10 years ago. The summer we graduated a class mate of ours got married before her partner was deployed. I "DJed" the wedding using rented sound equipment and music our collective friends owned . It was at the time a lot of fun. After accepting my RSVP for this bride to be's wedding , she sent me an emailing saying they were short on cash and wanted me to do the same thing for them -(DJing) as I did for my other friends 10 years ago. I really do not want to so I wrote back that it was not really necessary now with spotify and iTunes they could just make a play list and let it run. She wrote back it would be nice to have someone to adjust volume, changes songs depending on the mood of the party, and to take requests. I do not want to do this at all and yes all my reasons are selfish. I am no longer a single 21 year old. I was looking forward to a weekend away where I could dance with my husband and mingle with old friends and enjoy my good friends wedding, stay as long as I want and leave when I want to. I was sent an invitation to attend as a guest and accepted that invitation. I do not want to be forced into now attending as unpaid party help, especially since I have to travel to attend. Is their a polite was to say no to this ..again.

My mom is an anxious woman and has controlling tendencies. This was hard to deal with growing up, and it's gotten harder now that I have a son - her only grandchild. We come from a long, broad line of anxious and/or depressed people. My siblings and I are all on medication; my mom's siblings are all on medication. My mother is not, but it's clear to most of us that some kind of therapy would benefit her. Is it appropriate to approach her about this? If so, any advice on how? It's to the point where I'm having trouble spending much time around her, and I'm having concerns about the impact she'll have on my son. Thanks.

I'm getting married in a few weeks and we have a formal dress code. I talked to my cousin today and asked what she was wearing. She said she was wearing a shirt and pants. Everyone will be in suits or tuxes so I asked if she had a blazer or suit jacket, or if I could buy her one for the event. She responded that wearing a blazer would make her incredibly uncomfortable and stressed out and she couldn't do it; and that wearing a dress shirt and pants was already making her uncomfortable. I'm incredibly confused by this, it's just a blazer, and I'm not asking her to wear a dress, just to follow the dress code and offering to pay for it. Am I allowed to ask her mother to try and convince her? Or do I need to accept that this is just my cousin's odd comfort level and she cannot follow the dress code AND enjoy the wedding? My concern is that I personally would feel uncomfortable and stressed out going to an event I was underdressed for, and I'm not sure she truly is understanding the dress code.

I have two friends I've known for decades. One lives near me, one across the country, but we stayed in regular touch even before e-mail. I still get a birthday present from the one across country, but that is it - no letters, e-mails, phone calls and no thank you for the Christmas/birthday gift I send her. The other routinely backs out of social gatherings because the uncle of a friend of a friend has died and she has to go to the funeral. She also rarely is in contact unless she is sending out a group e-mail to inform everyone of the death of someone's elderly mother. Frankly, I think these are no longer friends, just memories. Is there any way I can stop them from sending me birthday presents (and the reverse) without being really rude or hurtful?

Carolyn- My fiancee has clearly developed an eating disorder since we were engaged about a year ago (wedding in a few months.) Lost probably 15 pounds, maybe more? Spoke to her about my concerns (so much weight lost and skipping meals.) She denied any eating disorder. I have called out her friends and family who compliment how she looks so thin now, because it is clearly too extreme. My family and coworkers have expressed their concern to me, so I know I'm not out-on-a-limb here. I love her so much. She is funny and generous and smart, and I don't want to lose her. I want to marry her more than anything. I need advice.

Hi Carolyn, My kids are involved in a youth organization one of whose adult leaders is rude and disrespectful. Her fundamental attitude is that teens are lazy, irresponsible, and inattentive, and that nothing but nagging will get them to do anything. She doesn't listen to them, assumes the worst, and scolds them for that; if they try to explain the misunderstanding, they get a lecture about not interrupting and listening with respect (yes). When I am present, I intend to try redirecting her criticism into supportive problem-solving., but in the nature of the group, the kids do have to interact with her themselves. Any suggestions for how they can respond to her? I don't think that confronting her directly about her pattern of behavior would get anywhere, since she doesn't listen and is clearly very insecure. We are fairly new to the group, and the other adults in charge are mostly friends of hers whom I don't know. Thank you!

Hi Carolyn, My SIL is very trendy & only cares about what's "in". This makes it very difficult to buy her kids any birthday, christmas gifts because things that don't meet her threshold go into the giveaway pile. This comes from observation, not from her ever saying anything snide to me about my gifts to her kids (tho she makes comments about other peoples' gifts). I don't make a lot of money and feel tired of trying to guess what gift will meet her threshold. Ultimately I don't feel like buying things for her kids anymore, but I don't want to quit giving things to her children because she makes me frustrated. What do I do - keep buying with good intentions knowing I'm throwing away my money? Quit buying knowing that I need my income and her kids are well taken care of? Do I donate to a charity in their name (altho I almost guarantee this move will elicit snide comments from her)? What's the right way to handle an adult that makes it difficult for you to do something heartfelt for a child?

Once or twice a year, the spouse and I travel separately for a variety of reasons (work, weekend with mom, etc). The last couple of times, when spouse has returned from a trip, she's immediately gone into "stress mode" for lack of a better term. Why isn't such-and-such clean? What is this doing here? Did you just sit around the whole time I was gone? This is accompanied by passive-aggressive behavior (lots of sighing, groaning, muttering under breath, etc). I've tried to get the place cleaned up or have a meal ready in anticipation of spouse's arrival the last couple to times, but nothing really works. I also try to be forgiving, since travel is stressful at the best of times. The air is usually clear by the next day, but it ends up being quite stressful for me. We have another bit of separate travel (work-related) coming up; any ideas?

I agree with Carolyn-- though I would encourage you to also consider whether the experience provides a net benefit to your children. I was once part of a volunteer program with whose mission I sympathized greatly. Unfortunately, the experience was diminished for me by a supervisor who was disrespectful and negative, and who physically and verbally harassed volunteers. There are likely better ways for your children to contribute to and take part in their community.

I have had the conversation you suggested with depressed and anxious relative, and the reply was, "I'm not crazy." We replied, "We are not saying that you are crazy. But we are so sad that you are suffering. You don't have to." "I'm not crazy." What next? I limit visits, I limit phone calls. In return I hear "I need company. I need you. When will I see you? Where were you? What were you doing (that was not visiting me/ calling me)?" etc. etc.

"No" is a complete sentence. Or, "No, my DJ days are behind me. I'm really looking forward to seeing you and everyone!"

Carolyn, I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now... and we get along well, I think -- well, we hardly ever disagree or argue or discuss anything that would be divisive. He never wants to talk politics -- I have no idea where he stands on almost any issue. I like him, but I feel like I don't know him well. Part of me is thinks that I shouldn't worry about it too much since we're in our early 20s but another part of me is... bored. Should I be concerned??

I have been dating a wonderful man for 5 years and we both hope to marry soon - finances just don't allow us right now. However - kids are a huge issue all of a sudden. We both want them but his job currently keeps him gone 5/7 days a week. I've told him, that when the time comes to have kids, I need him there daily. I can't do it myself. And he will not promise me that. He says he'll be there whenever he can... But what if we get married, have kids and I'm left to raise them on my own because he's gone all week?! It's unfair and honestly a fear of mine. He says he doesn't want to "waste the next 5 years to find out I don't want to have kids." He doesn't believe in marriages without kids. He says I'm not supportive and that I need to say "we'll figure it out"... but can we?

My husband has a bucket list which includes participating in an ironman. He's been an avid runner and triathelete for years and is always training. This hasn't affected our time together for the most part, but from time to time it does get old. We've been married for 30 years and enjoy biking and hiking together. I have no complaints there, but when his training gets more aggressive our time together goes to second place. Is it fair to ask him to compromise on what he chooses to participate in so that we can continue to share quality time together? Thanks, triathelete's wife

Hi, Carolyn. Two years ago, my then-girlfriend and I went ring shopping. She picked out a lovely ring, I bought it, and was waiting for a special occasion (like a romantic trip, something we did occasionally) to give it to her. Then she dumped me. I never gave her the ring and she never saw it outside the store. It was pretty devastating, but I survived. Today, I'm with a new love. We're not quite at the proposal stage yet, but will be w/in the next 6 months I think. Can I give the ring I bought for my ex (and only finished paying for this year)? Or do I have to go back into debt to buy ANOTHER beautiful ring? (Can I invoice my ex for this?) Bonus question: Can I give my current girlfriend the ring without, y'know, telling her? She knows about the ex and knows we were close to getting engaged, but she doesn't know there's an actual ring. For the record, it really is a LOVELY ring. Engagement rings can't be returned. If I sold it, I'd lose at least half of its original value.

Instead of buying gifts, why don't you do something with the kids, such as take them to a movie or a water park as a gift. It's a great way to get to know them and create a memory.

OP here. Yes, the kids like the group's work and purpose. I'm a big Faber & Mazlish fan--I've even considered giving this woman a copy--and we have had conversations along the lines you suggest at home. I guess we're stuck at the coming up with strategies part.

Hi Carolyn, A "good" friend of mine moved down the street from us with her family last fall. I put "good" in quotation marks because, although we've been friends since elementary school, the bloom has been off the rose for a while. While she can be fun and charming, she can also be snarky, judgmental and passive-aggressive. It's just tiring to deal with, and I'd rather spend time with people who just don't do that, rather than trying to "fix" this relationship. However, she lives down the darn block from us. Our husbands are friendly. Our daughters play together all the time. And we have this 20+-year history. How do you suggest I save my sanity by limiting our interactions without making things too uncomfortable, given our close proximity, or ruining things for the other family members who do get along? Thanks so much!

Carolyn, I know you, like me, are a dog person, so I hope you have some advice on my neighbors who are bad dog owners. I bought a house in my hometown last fall. Shortly after I moved in a family bought a house around the corner from me. My kitchen window faces out into my backyard, and the backyard of my neighbors, who have an adorable young pitbull. Now that the weather's nice, I'm noticing this dog spends almost all its time outside tied to a tree, with no other shelter. They do leave a food/water thing, but the dog usually knocks it over, so often the dog is outside for hours with no water. The dog cries and whines, and when it rains, the poor thing huddles under a tree. The dog gets left outside when they are home and when they're not, and sometimes until late at night. It clearly needs more attention and is just so miserable. I've had dogs my entire life, and I've watched long enough to feel confident that it's not intentional abuse, but people who probably don't know how to own a dog properly. I do not know these neighbors, even to wave. I desperately want to start a conversation about responsible dog ownership, but I can't imagine it will go well. Calling the local cops seems like overreach, but I'm at a loss. In all likelihood, this is a dog who should be in a different home, but I'm not sure I'm in a position to say anything. So I ask, what would Carolyn do?

Hi Carolyn, I am a medical professional that sees a fairly specific population. I enjoy my job but when I am relaxing with family and friends that is just want I want to do -- relax. My parents and husband's parents at times bombard me with questions about their and other people's medical problems that I just don't want to talk about because I'm not their doctor. I have tried deflecting ("not sure, I only see X population, you should ask your doctor", etc) but they persist. It's annoying. What to do?

There's been a lot of discussion surrounding the Brock Turner case lately, and one thing I keep reading/hearing is "we need to teach our sons not to rape." What do people mean by this? Do they mean literally sit down with a child and tell him that it's not okay? Do they mean raise the child in such a way that rape would never be something they are capable of? I have a 10-year old son and only last year talked to him about where babies come from. What age is appropriate to discuss rape with kids? Clearly this shouldn't come out of the blue but should include a discussion of respect, boundaries, etc. but I'm at a loss as to how this should happen.

A couple months ago my boyfriend moved into my apartment for a number of reasons, financially and economically it is so much better and we have been dating for 3 years now. My parents are very strict Christians and I was dreading telling them about it and our Pastor found out and went behind my back and told them. This of course only made matters worse as they did not hear it from me. They are now upset with me and have told me that I have three options, I can have him move out, I can continue "living in sin" and be put under church discipline or I can continue living with him and leave the church. I don't want to leave the church as I have grown up there but this isn't the first time the Pastor has disrespected me as an adult and I have thought about leaving the church in the past. I also know that continuing to live with him will hurt my parents and they will have such a negative view of him and I don't want that as we plan on getting married and I want my parents to like him and support us. However, as of right now I do not plan on having him move out. Is there anything I can do or say to make this situation better? Does my boyfriend need to speak with them? Do I leave the church or attempt to make it work?

Don't start your marriage with a secret. It would be silly and transparent to give her the situation as a hypothetical, but that is one way to sound her out about it before you pull out a diamond. I would not care about the ring's origin (assuming I liked it), but I would be incredibly upset about the secret. The fact that any one else would know and she would makes her a chump.

re: "I have a 10-year old son and only last year talked to him about where babies come from. " An important moment to remember that rape has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with power, entitlement, privilege, and taking what the rapist incorrectly believes should rightly be theirs. You can teach kids of all ages and genders that that's not the way to behave towards fellow humans.

Something that's important is to model respect for women and girls for more than their appearance. When you run into a schoolmate of your son's, is your baseline conversation based on a compliment for looking nice? When boys make fun of someone (anyone) for being fat/ugly/weird-looking, do you call them on it? Girls and women are taught that their value is in how they look--that they are meant to entice and that boys/men are entitled to 1. enjoy them for their physical charms and 2. act unreservedly on the feelings that these charms inspire. Admire women and girls frequently and openly for their accomplishments and character--it goes a long way in teaching how they should be treated.

I think where this comes up most is in the difference between how the topic of assault is addressed to girls vs. boys - the 500 lectures I had from my parents about don't leave your drink unattended, don't walk even a block alone at night, always make sure a friend knows where you are vs. the barely even one conversation they had with my brother about it. And my parents are good people but I think there's an assumption even among the best parents that "Well, rape is a crime so obviously I don't need to explain why it's wrong." But then that means they never have a discussion about what to be on the look out for and behavior in others that's questionable. When you're son's in high school, talk to him about dangerous behavior. And it doesn't necessarily have to be about rape, but that a friend wanting to get girls drunk at a party is bad, or that he shouldn't just shrug when he sees someone getting into a bad situation and assume they have control. To bring it back to the Stanford case, teach him that it's important to be the bike riders who helped when they saw someone in trouble, and not the people who ignored it.