Trading a Can of Worms for a Crate: Carolyn Hax Live (Friday, January 10)

I am the OP who asked you for help concerning my sister who was planning to stay with me the weekend after Christmas. Your advice was sound, as were comments from your readers. I began composing a response to you with a little more background. Do you know what rubber-ducky-debugging is? The words describe a person talking to a rubber duck during an obviously one-sided conversation. The talker talks through this, never realizing the duck isn't contributing anything. In writing down the background, I was suddenly able to see this situation with great clarity. To sum, I ignored several emails and 5 phone calls from my sister, not mature, I know, but it was the only thing I could do. I have no tools in my toolbox that help me deal with her. The event turned out to be lovely, as she did not attend, and I never asked anyone why. I realized that if she can drive such angst into my heart with only the thought of her staying at my house, I need to build a barrier, not paint a line. Thank you for letting me quack.

There are some friends who help me through bad times by listening to my problems, but there are other friends who help me by talking to me about anything else-- hobbies, interests, mutual friends, the outside world...anything to take me out of my present suffering and remind me that I still have a life and a sense of self-worth outside my problems. I value them both just as much.

Carolyn, one more time, re: today's column, can you reiterate that it isn't the mom/daughter-in-law/wife's job to make nice with the boundary challenged mother in law. LW says her husband agrees with her, but too often the new mom becomes the bad guy and focus of the MIL's rage/hurt/etc. He needs to step up and tell his mom when she is stepping over the line, and calmly reassure her that she still has a place in his life. Then it's not "my son is just being controlled by that awful woman."

Is it ever OK to take a "time-out" from the family (husband, kids) for several days? Maybe when I'm feeling not appreciated or respected for longer than I can normally tolerate? Without guilt?

Carolyn, my spouse told me earlier this week that they want a divorce. I had a gay affair, and they found out in November. I thought we might make it, and I was pushing for us to work past this, but it looks like that's not going to happen. We both love each other, but I guess emotional love isn't enough. The thing is -- I don't even know where to start. I can't tell my family. I don't want to come out. I feel like a failure. No one in my family is divorced. Is there a step-by-step guide to this? Where do I live? What do I tell people? How do I navigate? (we have no kids, and we've already agreed to split everything 50/50, so this will be painful but not spiteful. I just don't know what to DO and I feel paralyzed.)

Hi Carolyn, My aunt and uncle have just enlisted me to help their 24 year old daughter "Sarah" who lives in my city, about 2,000 miles from the them. Apparently over the holidays, Sarah talked frequently about all her favorite bars, hid alcohol in her room and came off the plane drunk. Her mom called me hysterically crying. I reached out to Sarah and we're getting brunch this weekend. I'm torn how to approach this. I think her my aunt is predisposed to viewing alcohol as evil - she is the adult child of an alcoholic. I also drank a lot when I was Sarah's age and it caused me no ill effects. It was just part of my social scene as I'm sure it's part of hers. (I'm now married in my early 30s). But I do think my aunt's description was worrying. She's asking me to get Sarah to "admit she has a problem." How do I navigate this?

Hi Carolyn, My fiance and I are planning our wedding for August 2014. I was recently contacted by a prospective wedding guest ("prospective" because we haven't even finalized the guest list yet, but this is a cousin of my dad's, who will probably wind up on the list), who disclosed that her husband, whom I have never met, is a recovering alcoholic who is triggered by being in situations where alcohol is present. She requests (in fact, she "begs" us, to use her words) that we not serve alcohol at our wedding so that her husband can be there without discomfort. At the risk of making it sound like we're a couple of lushes, a dry wedding is not the one we envisioned and we're not prepared to make such a sacrifice for such a peripheral guest (were he a parent or sibling of one of ours, we'd do it gladly). Any suggestions about how best to word my reply to my dad's cousin?

Agree that they are totally OK, and should be in fact scheduled into family life. Less OK, I'd think, is reaching a breaking point and storming out which sounds like it might be the case with the OP. You are still totally entitled to that break, but it will be more disruptive (and less relaxing) if you just say, "THAT'S IT" and go to your mom's for the weekend, than if you schedule a day of whatever floats your boat in advance. Also, the storming out approach may be unfair to kids and spouse if they don't realize you're feeling burnt out.

Hi Carolyn! I'm going home this weekend to tell my parents that my 2.5 year "happy" marriage is ending in divorce and I'm so anxious! We are a close family but I kept a lot of my unhappiness secret from them. They saw the happy, young couple not the couple that bickers and argues and held grudges.... How do I break this to them? I plan to mention that we went to lots of counseling and both feel at peace with restarting our lives before 30, but I feel like I'm letting them down big time AND know this will be a shock to them - they have no idea. Any tips??

Have recently learned that the guy I've been seeing for a few months (and he says we're exclusive) has a reputation for not committing, dating many girls at once, and lying about it when the screws are put to him. A player. He admits to this and refers to it as a bygone chapter in his life, but the most recent episode was only a few months ago (it's the explanation for why the woman who introduced us didn't want to date him herself). How do I get a reliable read on whether his player days are truly behind him? Wouldn't lying about this ("I'm a changed man!") be exactly the sort of thing a player would do? Please help! I like him very much and would hate to throw this away just because of his reputation, but the more I think about it I agonize over wondering how a guy this great could be single in the first place. If it helps, we're 32 and 30.

If they live in the area and won't be traveling to attend you can also make sure to say "well there won't be any alcohol at the church, and while we understand you may need to skip the reception, we'd love for you to attend to most important part, the ceremony."

Not to sound cliche, but IT GETS BETTER. I didn't come out until I was in my mid 30s and lucky for me, I never married a woman (did come close, but saved her that at least.) Whether you are gay or bi, you were born that way. In the long run, you will both be happier even though I'm sure it hurts a lot right now. 16 years ago, I couldn't fathom coming out/telling my family/etc. A few weeks ago, my husband and I celebrated our 15th anniversary (5 of them actually legally marmried!). Don't be afraid to get some counseling to help you accept yourself; I did it, way back when. Better for your and your spouse to find out now than to spend years more in the wrong relationship.

I was the "first" in my family to get divorced, when a seemingly picture perfect marriage fell apart. I felt all the things you feel -- failure, family disappointment, not knowing what to tell people, etc. I didn't have the gay affair complication, but I was pleasantly surprised at the unyielding and unquestioning support I got from my (fairly conservative) family. My friends were a bedrock. But I never could have made it through without my amazing therapist. It's an overused phrase now, but it does get better. For me, it took almost 9 months before I wasn't crying on a daily basis and 2 years before I was "myself" again. There are still some lingering emotional scars. But I am happy and healthy today in a way that I didn't expect could be possible when I was living in the awful first moments that you find yourself in right now.

A childhood friend of mine passed away suddenly this past fall. She was in her 30s, married, with a small child. I had not been close to her in many years, but enjoyed crossing paths with her on occasion where we always promised to get together soon. I went to the funeral services, hugged her husband, cried quite a bit. I still tear up just thinking about the tragedy of it all. She was a wonderful person. My friend's husband/widower recently invited my husband and I over for dinner, and we're thrilled to accept. But just thinking about it also makes me cry! I don't want to cry during the dinner out of the blue. I could easily see us all ending up having a good cry, but I don't want to put my own emotions on display if there's any chance I'll drag the husband into sadness with me. It feels terribly selfish! And truly, I don't know the husband that well to know if it would make things better or worse for him. I guess I'm wondering if you have any advice to help me avoid bursting into tears when the husband opens the door and/or when I see my friend's child for the first time. Or if you have any general advice on how I can be a good friend to the husband. What do you think he might need apart from a pleasant evening? I just want to do right by him.

Just a nit pick, but that should probably be "[Spouse] and I are separating. I'd rather not get into details right now, thanks." It looks like the OP went through grammatical gymnastics to remove gender from the equation... As to the original question(s), my best advice would be to separate the "gay (affair)" from "the divorce." They can, and probably should, have completely separate resolutions.

Carolyn, I wanted to make the poster who had the gay affair aware that there are actually many support groups for those who are coming out of the closet while in a marriage and either trying to stay in the marriage or leave it. You can get resources on finding one in your area by calling 215-732-TALK between 6-9 PM on M-F. They will help you find one in your area. From what I understand, these groups are more common for men than for women, but they have done women's groups as well.

I think this is so important! I felt like such a failure over my divorce, but I wasn't a failure. I did make some bad decisions that led me to a bad marriage. But I've learned and won't make the same mistakes again!

When I was going through a divorce, the best piece of advice I read is that it is completely normal to feel the full range of human emotions in a single day - maybe a single hour - there is nothing wrong with you for feeling them, and most of the time the best thing to do is let yourself feel them. Therapy, too, makes a huge difference and also helps the "fixers" of the world feel like they're taking steps to fix something broken in themselves. But, simply knowing that I wasn't crazy for feeling so many conflicting things, and giving myself permission to feel emotions as they came, provided a peace that made it all just a little bit easier to handle. Also, have an answer you're comfortable with for those few nosy people who will inevitably ask what went wrong. And, if you have the kind of relationship with a boss or coworker where you can (1) let them know (the basics of) what's going on, (2) let them know you're fine but dealing and may sometimes need to excuse yourself, and (3) consider asking them to tactfully spread the word so that others understand, it can truly help with the day-to-day when you're trying to function as a professional. You'll be amazed how many people are graceful and understanding and decidedly not rude about it, because so, so many of us have been touched by divorce. Finally, appreciate that this is a loss for your family, too. That doesn't mean feeling guilty - FSM knows you don't need another layer of guilt right now - but it does mean giving them room to grieve in their own way, too.

I have no idea why this is annoying me this much, but my sister is a control freak. Recent example is that her husband and daughter will be visiting for a single overnight, but of course they can't call and make arrangements themselves. So she calls with a demand that we throw a party for my father the night they're here. Does my father want this party, no. Does my brother and his family have the time and energy to contribute, no but they'll show up just long enough to inhale food. Not that 3 inches of snow and ice makes planning any easier, but every single person, including the 8 and 12 year old are phenomenally picky eaters. You know, the kind of people who don't think they're picky, they just have only 3 foods in the intersection of healthy and taste good, and they think these aren't preferences but universals. So if you have the audacity to feed them something else, you get a lecture on the perils of fat, bread, or fruit. I don't care if they want to get carryout or eat spaghetti, but if you want me to throw you a party, don't expect me to play short order cook. This happens every visit, and the sister spends weeks before the visit trying to micromanage food and years afterwards telling us that we did it wrong. And then she gets praised for being a Good Leader, when from my angle she's a drama queen. What I don't understand is, if this happens every single visit, why I'm still annoyed by it.

It's marriage with an extra m. If it were lesbians it would be marfriage.

Hi Carolyn, love your chats and columns. I recently learned we are pregnant with our third (same gender as the other two) baby. Husband is very disappointed that we aren't having his gender preference, and I am too, a bit, but mostly trying to stay positive. Husband went from super excited about the pregnancy, and suggesting I "take it easy" and get pedicures, offering to cook, etc. to standard basic help around the house, childcare coverage etc. He never asks how I am feeling or offers to step up his help. We have good communication and he's shared that he feels like less of man, he wishes the child were a different gender and I am glad he felt comfortable to share but it is very hurtful, especially because I can't change the gender of our baby, and it makes me wish I wasn't pregnant at all. We've talked to a counselor who suggested we discuss the possibility of a FOURTH child, which I am unwilling to do. So now we both just feel stuck and miserable. Please help?

I try to keep up on my acronyms, but this one has me stumped. Also, the poster missed an oppurtunity to say "Sweet baby divinity knows you don't need another layer of guilt"

What is the privacy policy for posters on this chat? Presumably it is possible for WaPo to know who the poster is?

Hi, Carolyn: My sibs and I were incredibly lucky to have all four grandparents well into our 30s. Recently, our grandfather passed away and we were all devastated. On the day of the funeral, my brother - the only out-of-state sib - said some intensely cruel, hateful things to the rest of us. As one sis later put it, she was unable to grieve for gramps because she was so upset by bro's comments. Bro had some recent stress in his life, but I don't think anything excuses the things he said. After a month of radio silence, minus some frosty Christmas greetings, my brother called me this week to apologize. Our phone call was short as I got so emotional I couldn't talk without sobbing. I later sent an email saying I appreciate the call and apology and am trying to forgive as that's what grandpa would want, but that I'm not quite ready to move on and act as if nothing had happened. The question is, what do I do now? I don't want to look like the bad guy because he tried to apologize and I wasn't very warm or welcoming. At the same time, I'm still intensely angry at him and the hurt he caused. Thanks so much, Carolyn ~ you rock!

Hi Carolyn, I've been seeing "Mike," a fellow divorcee, for about three years. We each have professional careers, homes we own, and grown children. We're in our 50s and 60s, so no chance of any more children. Early on, we agreed that we weren't really interested in remarriage, just companionship. But over the past year or so, Mike has begun making noises about wanting to get married and move in together. I'm not against either idea, but I catch myself wondering - why now? My cynical side suspects he has begun to think about his own mortality and is trying to secure our future together in case he gets sick or needs live-in help. Our relationship right now is fantastic and I wouldn't change a thing about it, which I plan to tell him. Am I being a jerk for not wanting to "upgrade" our relationship?

I fully understand where you husband is, I've been there before and it does take the wind out of your sails when the gender doesn't match you expectations, not once, not twice, but 3 times!!! It sucks, but eventually you do grow the eff up. You are wise to be cautious on trying for a fourth. I'm the proud father of 4 girls, and each time it hurts worse and worse. In my case, the final pull your head out of your glassbowl moment was finding out our youngest had Down's Symdrome. As soon as I found that out, I knew that any gender preferences were irrelevant and we now had a little one that would need our A-game from here on out.

My SIL was the second of 4 daughters born to a career military officer. She still glows when she talks about how her father responded to someone asking her if he hoped to 'finally get that boy' when her Mom was pregnant with the 4th. He said 'oh I'd be thrilled with another little girl; we love our girls.' I am sure he wanted a son. But his daughter heard him say this and now as she nears age 70 it is still something that matters to this second daughter (and it helped her cope with the fact that she only had sons although she longed to have a daughter.)

I'm curious how you would go about "living" that concept, especially with such empirical evidence known beforehand. In my case, it was true because I was literally the last to know as he'd told everyone else he was going to bail. Sure does explain all the pitying looks I got when I went on about our "great future."

"Just by asking this of you, Auntie betrays a need for a visit to/refresher with Al-anon." I'm wondering if you can provide the Cliff's Notes version of the takeaway from Al-Anon. I have a good friend who's trying to drag his 80 year old mother into therapy with him because she doesn't treat him very well. It's painful to watch him beat his head against that particular wall, but suggesting he find a place of acceptance just prompts him to reel off a list of her transgressions that he "just can't accept." A good friend of mine and longtime AA member suggested Al-Anon might be good for him but he kind of brushes off the suggestion, without knowing really anything about what they do.

I think your response explains why i cater to it: because "it just seems practical". Each picky eater seems practical, but when you throw together 9 of them in one place, it becomes time to call a restaurant. Obviously, right? But that's not home-y enough or something. I don't even know what the unspoken rules are - that I have to find a dish that will feed everyone so it's a family dinner?

If you can get anywhere through the parenting of 2 children without realizing that you, as a parent, have zero control over gender, favorite color, interest in any particular toy/sport/craft/food, then you haven't learned the first lesson of parenting. Love, support, teach, discipline, watch, and wonder: this is what you get.

Remember to treat the spouse you're divorcing with as much kindness and compassion as you can muster. Your coming out has rocked his or her world, too -- plus he or she has had to deal with your infidelity.