Discussions / Live Q&A’s

Thanks for joining the Family Almanac today!

It took years for me to figure it out, but these tips really do make the holidays go much smoother.

Beginright now  by asking your children what they're going to give for Christmas--not what they want to get.  They'll tell .oyou what they want whether you ask them or not.  A drawing, a used book from Salvation Army,  a pack of emery boards, a poem that your four-year-old spouts off and you quickly right it down.  Even a small child wants to do her part.

Prepare a festive igh-protein breakfast the night before, with the orange juice in a pitcher in the fridge (and coffee ready to be brewed), so you'll only have to cook the eggs in the morning.  Limit sweets in their stockings too because a big sugar rush, without much protein, will give you a big meltdown.

Before Christmas, get rid of any broken toys, give away outgrown toys and put about a third of the toys you keep to pull out on a dreary February day.  Too much muchness makes children unhappy.

Leave the toys at home and take a family walk after breakfast so you can talk about what's really important to you:  your family.

You really have to leave the parenting to the parents, which is hard to do but it's essential because your granddaughter knows her mom won't back you up and she'll pull that trick again and again.  Just quietly go to your room when you're annoyed and let this young family have their turn at parenting.  They'll learn what you learned but it will take years (just as it probably took for you).

Children will act in ways that get the most attention--even if it's bad attention.  The trick to use: give your grandchildren no attention at all when they're acting up--even if you have to send them to their rooms--and plenty of attention when they're good.  You'll be surprised how quickly the behavior of the middle children changes, although at first it will probably get worse for a few days. 

My heart hurts for you.  It sounds silly to say so, but try not to take it personally.  Your daughter is just trying to find some way to deal with her bipolar condition and you're the safest person to shut out.

Write notes to her though and keep a journal but only write about your love for her; her attributes, etc. so she will know that you really care.  Don't mail these notes to her though, but tell her that you have written them and that you will be glad to share them with her when she's ready.  She will want to read them one day but in the meantime, respect her need to have a distance between you.

What a rascal he is!  There's really nothing for it but a toddler bed, which will be much easier to get out of but much safer.  Expect a lot of midnight adventures

Some people never see consequences, but instead of telling this daughter what you're willing to do for her--college, etc.--tell her that it is comforting for you to have her live with you because she can take care of you when you get old or sick.  And keep a record of any money you give her, and have it deducted from her inheritance after you die.  It's one thing to let your daughter live in your house rent-free; it's quite another thing to give her more money than you give your other children.  Also, you might have her get a physical and some birth control, which she can pay for herself.

Absolutely.  In fact, it's as essential to talk with them about sex, early and often,  as it is to tlak with them about nutrition or values. Use clinical names, rather than slang but don't expect it to be easy to talk about sex with your own children.  Some books that might help: he Sex-Wise Parent; How to Talk with Your Kids About Sex and anther new one, Talk to Me Firs by Deborah Roffman, an excellent sex teacher.  There is another sex educator who is also very good and whose first name is also Deborah but I can't find her books on my shelf. 

Instead of locking your daughter in her room--which could be pretty scary for her, you might do as the Norwegians do:  pick her up, go to a quiet corner and hold her in your arms saying "I love you" all the while.  She'll weep and carry on but she should shape up much sooner.  Also, make sure she isn't eating any dyes or preservatives because they send some children around the bend and then they'll have a tantrum and tell you what's bothering them because the wrong foods (and gluten and dairy too) can make a small problem seem very big and keeps them from calming down.  Also, is there anyone in your family who could stay with the children for a few days so you and your husband can go to a b and b and sleep.  You have such a great little family but you can't enjoy them if you're so tired.  And do read "Your Three Year Old" which is a grand and positive description of this age or "Mollie is Three" which is a wonderfully sensitive account of children who are 3. 

You'll make it, honey, but you'll make it more easily if you can find someone to walk the twins around the block for an hour while your daughter is at nursery school and you can take a nap.

It seems like your little boy is getting two messages here--he's ready to use the pot but not ready enough to get out of diapers or pullups at naptime and at night.  I'd say to hell with them, and use underpants all the time, and when he makes a mess, have him help you clean it up but without fussing about it.  It's just what one does when we spill milk or pee or poop on the floor or in our underpants.  And yes, I'd offer a big bribe when he's a big boy--i. e., trained--but forget lollies and stickers.  He needs something special, not because he has had a certain number of successes but because he is indeed a big boy.  You'll know when that happens and so will he.

He won't be able to withhold his poop if you give him a little more vitamin c than he needs.  Too much causes diarrhea but a little extra C will soften the stool.  I'd also ask him if he'd rather go back to diapers fulltime for a while and then tell you when he's ready to be trained. By returning the control to him, you'll be taking away some of the fear he feels. 

There aren't many books on fear--Monsters Under the Bed though is a good one for you and the child's booko about Francis is quite splendid but I'd look for information about the cycles of sleep and how sleep changes and where nightmares come from and how we work out bothersome problems in our  sleep and that they occasionally get ouot of hand.  If that's not enough, I'd give him a flashlight so he can turn it on and look in dark corners; a talisman, such as a coin to wer around his neck, so he can rub it and feel safe  and maybe spray a little of your perfum e on his pillow every night to keep bad dreams away.  And please, tell him whenever you have a bad dream because it will help him see that you're fine the next morning and he'll be fine too.

I'm sorry I offended you.  I just didn't know if these parents were religious or not and I wouldn't want to push my beliefs onto them.

Some people are more introverted or isolated than others and are quite content to be that way, while others don't have the social skills to strike up a conversation.

Instead you might start expecting him to be the giver--not to the boys on his sports teams but to people who need his help much more.  Teenagers have so much to give but they don't give because they haven't been asked.  Make it a family job to volunteer somewhere and on a regualr basis.  If you make cookies each week, your son can deoier them to a nursing home or a children's hospital but call first, so he can bring it to a group of residents, rather than their caretakers.  Afterwards you can talk about it and figure out what age appeals to him most or whether he'd rather help a group clean up the riverbank or get involved in some other cause.  Whatever you do, however, he should decide what kind of volunteer work he wants to do.