Live Q&As

You'll be pleased to know that one out of ten children are born shy (and many monkeys too) and that nine out of ten shy children (and shy monkeys) get over their shyness by the time they're grown.  Cherish your child as he is; he'll be fine even if he never gets over it.  He is what he is, and there's nothing to worry about.  Every child has a few differences, and you just have to accept them, just as your child accepts your differences. 

It may seem ridiculously early to do this, but if you buy him his own alarm clock (preferably one that's amusing to look at), then set it at night, put it across the room from his bed, and tell him that you don't like all that fussing in the morning so you'll depend on him to get himself out of bed, and to get going.  And if he doesn't?  Have a sitter lined up--promising to pay her for two hours at least--and call her to come over and babysit, but without waking him up, and when he does, tell her to feed him, but no TV, no walk to the park--just the most boring day imaginable.  After a day or two of this treatment he'll think day care looks pretty good. 

The more you expect your little boy to pay his own consequences, the happier he'll be--and the happier you'll be too.

It's been said that any habit can be set--or broken--in 21 days, but the sleep habit can be changed in a week.

Let her nap for an hour in the afternoon, because she's only 3, but put her to bed at 8, go through the nighttime routine, and leave four or five picture books in her bed, so she can decide when she's ready to fall asleep.  If she cries for you, go to her within five minutes -- putting her back to bed if she's rambling around -- but talk very little and be quite businesslike with your goodnights.  And do this again and again and again.  She should gradually start falling asleep earlier in a week or so unless she's had soda or chocolate or something else that contains caffeine.

Actually, the mean girls start even earlier than fourth grade unless the school is very well run.  Usually they start targeting a few children in the second half of second grade, pick up in the second half of fifth grade and reach a crescendo in seventh grade, particularly if these children are more independent.

Don't put up with it, and don't let the school put up with it, either.  First, get permission to observe the classroom and the playground quietly for a morning, to make sure your daughter is right, then ask for a meeting with the principal and the teacher to tell them what's going on because you know that they wouldn't want to permit any behavior that reflects so badly on them and on the school, and also because it hurts your daughter's feelings.

You also should encourage your daughter to wear clothes that don't invite teasing (i.e., the same kind of clothes that everyone else wears) and to be friendly with them and to every child at school, but never to grovel.  Bullies don't pick on strong children.

If only someone would invent an aptitude test for schools as well as children.

Each school has a personality of its own and what is right for one child is wrong for another.  You can judge the schools pretty quickly if you go to a PTA meeting and also observe at the school for a morning or even hang around the playground. 

Children need to go to a pretty good school but mostly they need to see their parents as much as possible.  One team a season, and one extra class is enough for a grade school child; your children don't need to start the ratrace early or ever.

Don't you love the way each child solves problems in her own unique way?

There's no reason to talk about the death of their mother; they just want to know that you're someone they can count on, because they're bound to be thinking, "What if something happens to my daddy?"

Skype is just about the best answer, and it's free.  Set up a regular time each week that you can talk to them on the computer, even for just a few minutes.  E-mail is good, too, because they can take their time to answer your questions, and you can also send pictures by email, choosing ones of their mom when she was their age, and adding little stories about these pictures.

You also should read  "A Parent's Guide to Raising Greiving Children" by Phyllis Silverman and Madelyn Kelly.  Even though Madelyn is my daughter-in-law -- and therefore I'm not supposed to recommend it in my column -- I'm recommending it here because it is the best book I've read on children's grief, and how it changes from age to age.  Another good one is by Suzy Yehl Marta.  Both also recommend having these grieving children attend a 'children's room' or a 'rainbow room' where they can meet other children in their situation and realize that their loss will always be with them but it will be bearable.

You've made some great points.  First, take him to a developmental optometrist -- not an opthamologist -- because he will give special tests to make sure that his eyes register images at the same nanosecond and that the muscles in the back of their eyes are at the same developmental level as the ones at the front of his eyes.  Even if his vision is 20/20, these discrepancies can keep a child from reading and even make him feel carsick and headachy, but using  glasses with special prisms for a half-hour a day can correct problems and so can eye exercises.

I'd also give your son the first box of Bob Books by Lynn Maslen (Scholastic), and just leave them in his room.  These simple little books -- one sound per book -- have taught many children to read.  And I'd check out an audiobook and the same picture book from the library and let your son look at the pictures while listening to the text.  But I wouldn't make your boy sit down and read with you.  Just read to his brother every night and let him join you if he'd like.  Finally, don't fret about it.  Albert Galaburda -- the big reading expert at Harvard -- told me that a child who goes to school fairly regularly and has even a mediocre teacher will learn to read by third grade, because it really isn't that hard.  If not, he probably has some learning disabilities and will need special help.

Another good point...

Just keep congratulating him for his imagination and for telling such interesting stories, but don't take any of them seriously because, as you'll tell him, 'You make up so many wonderful stories that I always think that you've made up your real stories too".  The ball is in his court, not yours.

Having an adult child move home can be a great experience for both of you, as long as you treat him like an adult--that is, he keeps his room fairly neat and makes his bed in the morning; does his own laundry and changes his own sheets every week and cooks supper for you once or twice a week.  If you can't do that, you're not ready to help him out.

I couldn't agree more.  A good principal has a strong philosophy for her school and she insists that her teachers follow it.

Is there any way that you -- and your son -- can toss out the ruined stuff together?  If you treat the wretched experience like an adventure and ask each other, including your little boy, what you should do with this or that item, the trauma of Irene will be lessened.

After a few of these sessions -- and having him draw pictures of Irene and telling you his memories of the storm --  tell him that you're ready for him to sleep in his own bed but that you'll go to him if he calls you so he'll know that everything is alright.  Just don't keep him waiting more than five minutes even if you have to go back a dozen times a night. 

I didn't know that I had said wimpy.  A principal (and a parent) should have a strong philosophy; she should know who she is and what she stands for, and she should walk the walk, even if it makes a child cry.

A child between 22 and 24 is old enough to decide whether he's going back to college or not and he's old enough to be self-sufficient, too.  If you treat an adult like a child he will act like a child, down all the days.

Everyone needs a little talk therapy eventually, especially a 12-year-old who has Asperger's and is compliant and introverted, too.  And he needs group therapy, too, as long as the group is made up of other grieving childing.  Check out that book I recommended earlier -- the one by Suzy Yehl Marta -- because it has a great deal about divorce and how it affects children.

Sometimes you just have to make things happen, by opening your hearts and your doors a little wider.  Call occasionally and ask if you can drop by, giving them 2-3 possible times and when the grandchildren are comfortable with you, ask the parents if you can borrow the children to take them to the zoo or for a picnic in their park.  And when the, and you, are really comfortable with each other, ask if you can have them stay at your house for a weekend.  This is the way to your daughter's hearts.

If your child is lucky, he'll have one great teacher in his first four years of school, one terrible teacher and two who are so mediocre that he won't remember their names in a few years.

It sounds like you may have a mediocre teacher -- and a bored little boy.  Ask the teacher to assign an interesting assignment for him to do when he's finished his classwork -- something that isn't out of a workbook but that capitalizes on his strengths.  You are your son's defender.  If your requests  baffle the teacher, go to the principal.  If she's good, she'll redirect the teacher.  If she's not, you'll need to see that your son has an interesting class on the weekend so the year won't be a waste.

As parents, you can't abdicate your responsibility and that's what you're doing when you let your child run the house. 

If you're pleasant, cheerful and give her more attention when she's good, she'll be good more often.  But if you give her more attention when she's being a pain, she will be a pain more often.  You're the only one who can break this logjam, and you can do it without charts and without rewards. It's much better if you surprise her when she's been good for a while, and then to have her arrange her own treats.

I had assumed that this parent would have asked if she could visit the playground first or volunteer to monitor it; I'm sorry I didn't say so because strangers should, of course, be escorted from the playground.  As for asking the principal to explain the policies and procedures -- very nice, but a lot of principals don't dish the whole story, just what they think a parent wants to hear.  I prefer that a parent tell the principal what's going on and ask her what she's going to do about it.

I suspect that you always have to do them before you get comfortable.  And then suddenly you realize, "Hey, this lady I want to meet isn't thinking about me!  She's thinking about herself, and wondering if she's wearing the right outfit."  It's a liberating moment.

Timing is everything, isn't it?

You might call the American Speech-Language something or other outfit in suburban Maryland and tell a speech pathologist your concerns, but I suspect she'll tell you not to worry yet and that boys often talk less than girls.  Although early intervention is important for a child with a speech problem, your son may simply be more introverted than other children and not all that ready to share his babble with you.