Live Q&As

My 7-year-old son is always competing with his twin brother, nagging him and sometimes undermining him. What should I say to remedy this situation in a positive way?

I am at a loss about whether I should speak out -- a family member seems to be doing everything possible to make him/herself as unattractive as possible. Gaining LOTS of weight, not washing hair, not shaving, wearing ill-fitting clothes (lots of plumber butt, if you get my drift [no offense to plumbers...]), acting very surly. This person will be 22 soon, not working, not in school. Family seems oblivious; I don't see them that often, don't want to because 'self-image' issues, but hate to see him/her going on this path. Help?! Pls?!

My smart, affectionate, charming 7-year-old (almost 8) boy has trouble dealing with some situations, and we are running out of ideas how to help him. Sometimes, when he encounters a situation that does not make him happy (e.g., is told no, another child annoys him, he perceives a result to be unfair, etc.) he will lash out in different ways (e.g., cry, hit, melt down, get very angry etc.). We want him to respond in a more acceptable and healthy manner but don't know how to help him. As another data point, he can focus and stay on task very well, and does well academically. Do you have any suggestions or tips?

My about-to-be-3-year-old son has entered a phase where we need to coax, cajole, distract or bribe him to get anything done apart from playing. Whether it is taking a bath, having a meal or drinking milk, he just does not want to do it. It is getting quite difficult for my husband and me to get out the door in the mornings, since all he wants to do is play. Any ideas on how we go through this without losing our minds? We have tried timeouts, distractiong, talking to him, etc. -- but it works only for the day. The next morning he is back to square one. Thanks!

Any tips to help prepare for my child starting preschool in the fall? She currently is at home with the nanny (has never been dropped off anywhere alone) and has a a little brother. She will just turn 3 at the end fo September.

My 6-year-old son is not overweight, but he is close to it, according to BMI charts. He is active and eats a healthy diet, but still has a "baby belly" like he did as a toddler. He plays soccer, swims, takes karate, and plays outside nearly every day. We hike on the weekends and go for family walks in the evenings. He eats fruits and vegetables and limited sugar and junk food. He never drinks soda or sweetened drinks. His doctor has no advice other than to continue to feed him a healthy diet and to keep him active. I recently lost more than 100 pounds and am fearful of my son becoming overweight because diabetes runs in my family. I don't want to take away every food treat and think he should be able to enjoy a cupcake or ice cream cone every once in a while, but I also don't want him to be obese, and I am afraid this is something he will have to fight all his life. How do I teach him to eat properly and take care of himself without being obsessive about his weight?

Our almost 4-year-old was out of diapers by 3 or so, without much drama. However in the last few weeks, she has started having accidents again, sometimes two or three a day. Never at daycare, only at home. We've tried a number of strategies -- offering rewards for a certain number of days without an accident, tracking on the calendar with stars, sending her to her room after an accident, threatening to put her back in diapers, using a timer and putting her on the toilet every 45 minutes - but nothing seems to solve the issue. We had her checked for UTI. It almost seems like some combination of not wanting to stop what she's doing and an attention-getting mechanism. Any advice?

I love your column and have read it for as long as I can remember. Wish it appeared more frequently! My 4- and 6-year-old boys are very well-behaved at preschool/elementary school, but they are not good listeners at home. They whine, try to negotiate, and when they don't get their way, they moan and they groan, and can pitch fits. I know they can be good listeners and easy-going, but not so much around me. They listen to my husband. They also like to "wrestle" each other, which sometimes is an excuse for seeing what great kung fu moves they can inflict on each other. Regarding the not listening and being poorly behaved, we have explained the rules are the same here as at school and same for Dad and Mom, and tried most of the usual tricks I can think of (i admit it, I've even yelled), but still, I get the whining, and all the bells and whistles of complaints. I recently asked why they give me so much gruff and not their dad, and they said, "Dad will yell." So I said, "So you are scared of his yelling? What about mine?" And the 6-year-old said, "Mom, you are sensitive." to which he explained something which sounded to me to be about my love being unconditional (so is their Dad's, but somehow, he says less and gets better results than me). Any suggestions?

My husband and I are considering having a third child and would need to do it soon because of my age. We've talked to friends and family, but need an objective perspective. Both my husband and I only have one sibling each, so the two-sibling dynamic is unfamiliar to us and what the major challenges will be as parents. It seems like three is the new two. It isn't like you can go back and change your mind once the deed is done. How to evaluate the intangibles of your own situation (we can afford it; the house is big enough)? Advice?

I have a 6-month-old baby who has been a great sleeper at night since he was born. He is in daycare during the week and apparently naps well while he is there. The weekends are a different story. He will not nap! He only falls asleep when held, and when he's put in his crib wakes up and screams. The lack of sleep makes him grouchy all day. Do you have any recommendations on helping him nap?

You give the best advice! I've always wanted to win a lunch with you in a raffle. Have you ever considered doing that for some charity?

I have a lovely 7-year-old daughter who is bright, charming, and often wins behavior awards at school. At home, however, she can often be disrespectful and immediatley complains when asked to do a simple chore. I lectured her last night on what it means to be a part of our family, and in return I got "If you want something done, do it yourself." I do think she is tired in the evenings, but that is no excuse! Since when is do it because I am your mother and I asked you to (nicely and with a please) not enough?!

Marguerite, where are your newer columns? I'm having a hard time finding them with the new format!

What do you tell a 4-year old who overhears his mother telling her friends that she hates kids, isn't cut out to be a mommy, and that getting pregnant was the worst thing that ever happened to her, but she turns around all smiles and hugs when she sees him there? What kind of emotional confusion and distress would that cause for the child?

As parents of a 10-year-old girl with ADHD, my husband and I could use advice on helping our daughter build peer relationships. She gets along well with younger children, but this does not help during school lunch, recess and class time. When we encourage play dates, she often checks out and stops playing with the poor girl we've invited, or wants to play sillier, more imaginative games that do not interest her peers. How can we help her become a better friend and more socially savvy?

Help! I'm at my wit's end with my 3-year-old daughter. She isn't fully potty-trained yet and I don't know what to do to help her. She wears pull-ups but doesn't consistently use the toilet. She's better in public and at school; she frequently tries to go when she sees a restroom, though it's only pee. She's generally good about using the toilet first thing in the morning and last thing at night, but that's the only times at home. I've read the books and tried bribing, but nothing's working. I don't know what to do, short of calling a potty consultant, and I don't want to do that.

Is there something I can read about how I can shepherd a group of kids on an outing? I can herd my own two kids from here to there, but I don't think the neighbor's kids would respond to my bribing and threatening.

What is the normal age for children to learn to speak? How is it impacted by growing up in a bilingual family or environment? What should parents do to actively facilitate their development?

Good morning. My husband and I have decided to start trying to have children. I'm not nervous about raising a child (I'm sure I should be!). I'm nervous about the impact raising children will have on our marriage. We have a strong marriage, but I know that children will bring a whole different dynamic to our relationship. How do we start child-proofing our marriage now? Thanks.

How do you get through to early teenagers that you're the parent and the boss, not them?

My mother had seven children, born between 1952 and 1961, and says all were toilet-trained by the age of 18 months, or 2 years at the latest. I'm the oldest, and I seem to remember the same thing. She says the thought of 3- and 4-year-olds in droopy diapers is disgusting, and I tend to agree there as well. But what to do? I say, times are different now; she asks, why? It wouldn't matter except she makes a big thing of this at family gatherings, and refuses to look after grandchildrem and great-grandchildren over 2 who might have "an accident." Can you suggest how to approach this? She's my mother and I love her dearly, but there are times I really would like to tell her to be quiet.

My son, an introvert who enjoys socializing with friends but has a hard time reaching out and opening up to new people, just completed, with great grades, his first year of college. He's done a lot of volunteer work, but has yet to have a paying job. He's applied to a few places, but hasn't put any energy into the search. My spouse thinks I'm over-worrying about it and that he'll be fine, but I worry that he's not preparing himself for that leap into the world of working for a living and making himself a competitive candidate for jobs. My son gets defensive and puts up his guard if we push at all or even suggest very much so I'm trying to be very low-key. He is starting to volunteer at a local organization this summer. Do you have any suggestions? Do I need to just relax and chill out and let him work it out ["yes" - I can hear your answer already :) :) ] I'm really trying to hold back on helicoptering.

I am a 56 year old woman with a serious heart problem and other ailments. While I hopefully won't die tomorrow, I'll probably not make it to 60. I have one sibling, a sister who's eight years younger. We never had a close relationship, as I always thought, and still think she was terribly overindulged. When we do get together, she says incredibly mean things about my weight and how "no wonder" two husbands left me, etc. However, since my illness she has visited on occasion, and it turns out she has lots of resentments as well. This has been a huge surprise, and, not that we agree, but I was able to at least share my viewpoint. I'm afraid I'm going to die with many more of these differences unresolved, and would like to prevent that if possible. On the other hand, I am not remembering her in my will, which will likely cause other resentments but I won't be around to hear those.

Dear Ms. Kelly, I have two daughters, ages 6 and 2. Both are lovely, healthy girls but the second was born via caesarian section that somehow went wrong and resulted in their cutting through my abdominal muscles in a way that, despite intensive physical therary, won't heal properly. As a result, I am in considerable pain and can't jog, ski, garden or do other things I once enjoyed. At 32, I am getting fat and crotchety. My husband is losing interest in me sexually and my older girl says, Mama, you're just not any fun anymore. Of course I know it's not my younger daughter's fault, but her birth changed my life so completely for the worse that I sometimes can't help resenting her presence. I also realize I still have very much to be thankful for; e.g., I could be a quadriplegic or have a fatal illness, but still . . . . I'm in therapy but it doesn't seem to be helping. I'd give anything to get back my happy family life. Can you help?

I know we're not the only one in this boat, but the recession is requiring us to make many sacrifices. I shop mainly at thift stores, economize on food, try to limit driving, no vacations, etc. Our children are 4 and 6 and realize things have changed, but they continue to ask for things we can no longer afford. We have Netflix, attend church socials, and try to provide other cheap but fun events, but we get worn down by it all, too. How do we keep up a happy front when we, too, are hurting inside?

I recently had a miscarriage. We have a young son, who thankfully did not fully understand that Mommy was pregnant and what that (and the subsequent loss) meant, but he is definitely noticing that Mommy and Daddy are not quite ourselves lately (sad, shorter tempers, etc.). Any advice for how we can keep things normal for him, while we take the time to grieve and recognize our loss?

Seems now that some parents are more concerned about being friends with their children rather than being any type of disciplinarian. Do you have some tips for balancing the two roles? Thanks!

Lose the pull-ups. You will have to clean up a few accidents, but it's worth it. When kids pee in their underwear it's uncomfortable. When they can pee in a pull-up, it doesn't feel so bad and there's less incentive.

Our son was recently evaluated by the school psychologist and it was determined that he fits the profile for Asperger's, however, the school has refused to create an individualized education program for him. I'll be moving up the chain to complain and fight for him, but I'm now looking for outside support to help me. Any suggestions?

You've probably answered this question a million times, but could you give some advice on good books to review before having a sex talk with your child? Mine, like an earlier letter writer is 7. Thanks!!