Live Q&As

Grandmothers are in quandries that daughters -- and daughters-in-law -- never know about, and this is one of them. If you follow my work, you know that I think dietary issues can wreck a child's behavior -- a surprising conclusion I reached after 40 years of research and seeing an awful lot of changes in children whose parents have changed a child's diet.  Some of the best scientific studies on this poblem can be found at www.feingold.org , which believes that some children shouldn't eat foods containing dyes, preservatives and salycilates.  Also check the dairy sites and the gluten sites, because dairy and gluten can both affect a child' s behavior, and so can allergies if a particular food or inhalant is sensitized on the central nervous system. 

You might explore this avenue and send pertinent studies to your daughter-in-law -- and your daughter -- and say that you thought they were so interesting and might interest them.  Also the new book by Kelly Dorfman (whatseatingyourchild.com) and "Growing an In-Sync Child" (in-sync-child.com) by Carol Kranowitz and Joye Newman on helping a child develop well -- but always send any advice to both mothers.

Of course it shook you, but it was just another reminder that children draw conclusions about everything they see or hear and they only do that based on the things they know--a good reason to explain what you're doing and why to any child.  The more they know, the better their conclusions will be.

There really isn't much you can do for a child whose mother doesn't make him pay the consequence of his own actions.  While I wouldn't have spanked him, I would perhaps have asked him what he'd do if he wanted someone's bike, his dog, his money.  Would he steal them too?  And what would happen if he did? If you can get a child to consider the consequences of his actions, whatever they are, you will be doing him a great favor.

What a loss for the girls--and what a huge loss for their dad.  Looking for a brighter side, the girls are probably lucky that they can't visit when she's there.  But perhaps he could visit them?  With an ex who has trouble standing up for himself, you'll probably have to contact him and then do the arranging yourself.  One possibility:  Ask an old friend if she could lend to him f her cabin in the woods for a week.  He'd have to pay for his air fare and a rental car but the girls could bring food from home--your food--and do the cooking.  Whatever you suggest should be lowkey however and the solution will probably have to be out of the box.  And if he won't go for a cabin in the woods (or anything else), ask your friend if you and the girls could use it.  You need a  break.

When a 14-motnh-old  throws a tantrum, it's a sign that he needs more freedom, more choices, less control--and he needs it before he gets so wound up that he flips out.  Remember, 14-15 months is the age when a child wants to be independent, needs to be independent--a need that will grow and grow for the next 15 months.  The best discipline is to lower your standards and your expectations, and introduce new games and books and activities before he screams for them.

Your husband has to tell his daughter what he did, apologize to her for reading her yearbook and then tell her how much those scrawlings worried him because he loves her so much, and how much they surprised him, because it seems like she's a different person than he thought she was and could she talk to him about that.  If he's gentle and loving and apologetic, she'll respond in kind but it may take a while for her to calm down when she first hears what he did.

I'd tell your boy that the world is full of splendid people but that there are a few who are mean or weird or peculiar and some of the weirdest ones even want to take advantage of children.  And that's why he never should go into someone's house or car without you; he should never let anyone touch his body in any place that it usually covered by clothes. Tell him that he should always tell you about a disturbing encounter, especially if he was warned to keep silent about it, for any reason, and that you'll never get mad at him if he tells you.

Personally, I'd promise him a tricycle or whatever new and grand toy he's been longing for, because bribery has its place in parenthood, and this is one of them.  But first, I'd have a talk with him--in the dark, after a good day--and ask him what bothers him about having a b.m. in the toilet. Children have a reason for everything they say or do, and he has a reason for refusing to defacate in the potty too.  Some children feel that he is flushing away a part of himself unless they know that the body has taken out all of the nutrients of his food, and this is how it throws away the trash. 

And some children want to know exactly where his bowel movement goes when he throws it away, which may involve a search for books about the sewer systems or even a visit to the water treatment plant.  And if none of that works?  I'd wait as patiently as possible because one day he's going to surprise you, and himself, by using the potty.  You can bet:  he won't be wearing pull-ups to kindergarten.