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There's probbly not a lot you can do to change this man's behavior, but because of the children, you have to try.  You o we it to them.

Begin by trying to change your own behavior about  five percent--which may as much as anyone can change and bylooking back at all photographs, especially of your children, to remember happier days.  Sign up for a parenting class at PEP--the Parent Encouragement Program--which has classes in Kensington, Reston, Silver Spring and Capitol Hill.  Some parents just don't know how to parent and these classes have excellent instructors.

You'll also need to know that no two parents handle their children in exactly the same way--nor should they.  Life would get too boring if they did and your children would be in for a disappointment and expect everyone to act the same as you did.

And while you're doing all that, find a good marriage counselor because you have to learn how to deal with each other whether you're married or not.  Because that's the thing about divorce:  when two people have children, they're really married by life.  You'll see each other at graduations, weddings, emergency rooms and funerals so you have to learn how to be civil to each other whether you separate or not.

If my daughter started acting this way, I'd send a letter to a very good internist and ask him to give her a complete physical, because a young woman with two degrees shouldn't suddenly get too tired to work any more. 
Something like a low thyroid--which can happen at any time--could be making her act this way and there are undoubtedly many other problems that also could be causing her lassitude.  Not everything is psychological.  It's time to send her to a psychotherapist when and if all of  these tests come up positive

My favorite books on children--the books that most parenting experts steal from, whether they admit it or not--are the year by year books that Dell publishes--Your One-Year-Old, Your Two-Year-Old, etc., based on the 15-year longitudinal studies that the Gesell Institute has been doing since 1924.  Their descriptions of each year are accurate, positive and reassuring; you'll love them.

They just did it Jennifer because they knew that there never was--never had been--a baby like you and they wanted your name to be just as unique as you are.   You'll get used to it one day, or you'll quietly change the spelling to Jennifer and don't even mention it to your parents.

Nature was kind to us.  It gives parents nine months to get used to the idea of becoming a parent and as you progress, you'll find that each day wraps you more deeply into the knowledge that you're creating a new person, so you'll go through bouts of fear too and wonder if you'll be good enough or if your old life will be wrecked forever more.

Around the sixth month of pregnancy--when you've gone through the fatigue and the throwing up--and any danger of a miscarriage is behind you, you'll start making the decisions about the nursery, etc.  As for boundaries--very important but they're up to you.  The minute you start feeling that you're given too much advice, just give those grandparents and great-grandparents a blank stare and say, "Thank you for that; I'll keep that advice in mind.  Now tell me where you bought that blouse?  It's the perfect color for you." 

He's probably holding in the poop because it's too hard and it hurts him to eliminate it, so why don't you give him a little vitamin C, a safe treatment because it  softens the stool and is water-soluable, so it won't build up in his system.  If you give him too much, however, he'll get diarrhea so you have to find the right balance.

Closure is such an overused term but it is not an overrated idea.  Just seeing your old, dying father should help you talk to him quietly and calmly about the damage he did when he walked off on your mom and his six kids and never even called to see how you were because you need to vent these things to him as long as you can be pretty gentle about it.  But before you have this visit, think back to his position, when he was still married to your mother, and how overwhelmed he must have been by all that responsibility.  Some men blithely have babies, only to find that fatherhood is more than they can handle so they run away, physically or emotionally.  This is no excuse for his behavior but it may help you see why he did what he did.  It had nothing to do with his wife or the family he created, but with himself.  His story is valid too.

Two letters in a row, both with the same problem, which proves that a preference for one parent or the other is typical--often the mother at 2 or 3, then the father at 4, if only because he's more likely to laugh when his child calls him a poo-poo head.

Children often get demanding with their preferences because it gets them more attention and a child will do whatever it takes to get attention, even if he's sent to the time-out chair again.

Personally, I'd give less attention to your child when he acts like that, or remember that you need to run to the store when it's time for his bath, and I'd have the dad appeal to his sense of empathy--the only sense that can successfully be pushed on a child.  Your little boy needs to know that his behavior made his mom cry--just that, nothing more.  Silence and a sad look are wonderfully effective in this situation.

The same advice that I gave to the previous reader applies to you.  You can avoid tantrums if you simply walk away when your child starts to pitch a fit saying, "I'm sorry.  I won't listen to this."  A little time-out will help you calm down and it will help your child too because children have tantrums to get attention and when they get none, they also calm down.  Otherwise, they'd be clapping with one hand.

Plan to do this on a weekend, when time isn't so important, and recognize that this is just the way children learn.

Concussions are a lot more serious than doctors once believed, not just at the time it happens but for at least two weeks afterwards--a time when they want children to lie down and watch TV rather than read. 

I know that boys like to compete but have you considered baseball or basketball where there seem to be many fewer injuries? 

Yes you do have to give them lessons on sexual responsibility but you don't have to tell 8 and 10 year olds that they have to use contraception.  Instead, give the lesson in the third person: "You know people are mature because they use contraception if they have sex before they marry.  They know that it's wrong to have a baby accidentally, before they can rear their child in a responsible way.  And a boy knows that if he did father a child he would have to pay child support for 18 years.  The indirect information you give your children now will guide them better than direct information after their hormones have kicked in in their teens.

Children do like sameness in their lives, but maybe if his dad shows him around the firehouse and lets him talk to the other volunteer firemen he'll begin to see that his dad is protecting other people's children because he knows how precious his own child is to him.  I think the frustration will disipate when you emphasize your husband's bravery and ask him to give  his son a sanitized version of his experiences.  Children love heroes especially when the hero is his own father.

As I said, it probably won't work, but the children deserve at least a positive six-month effort on her part.

About one in ten of my letters are like yours, but in varying stages.  Some parents believe strongly in co-sleeping, right from the start; some turn to it reluctantly, some are desperate to quit the practice.   Your little girl probably had a bad dream about her crib and probably needs to start out sleeping with you and then be returned to her crib when she's fast asleep, even if you have to take her back to it several times during the night. Don't go to a toddler bed however; that's just inviting her to sleep with you whether you like it or not. 

This too shall pass, although it won't pass as quickly as you'dlike