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This is a case where the parents, no matter what, keep the wonder and belief alive.  Don't try too hard with the older kids with getting them to act one way or another...they are their own people, too, and don't have to pretend if they don't want to.  I would pick a message and stick to it!  Be excited to make the lists with the little ones and mail them.  Be enthusiastic to go for the Santa photo, and definitely make the cookies!  Read The Night Before Christmas, full of wonder and and magic.  Sure, the older kids may shrug it off, but I have found that they love to believe, too.  It makes them feel safe.  And all kids, big and little, feel secure when there parents are steadfast in their positive messages.  So, unabashedly celebrate Santa and create the wonder in your home!

While you may feel challenged by the Santa machine and how to explain it, this is an amazing opportunity to experience the Jewish faith and all its beautiful traditions.  I say "experience," because 5 year olds are going to tune out talking pretty quickly.  So find ways that your son can actively do things.  Go to your local library (with son) and find some resources!  For instance, preparation of the traditional foods like latkes and Sufganiyot can be fun with a five year old, as well as the games and songs associated with the dreidel.  Embracing your own traditions with enthusiasm and curiosity is a way to help children feel special and allay the "where is my tree" worries.

Tactfully is a good word for this dilemma!  The big Christmas dinner is never the time to explain your parenting choices (arguably, there may never be a good time to explain your parenting choices), so there is a two-prong approach to this issue.  Training: You want to prepare the kids for this big dinner!  Mock up a big fancy meal at home and practice, practice, practice.  Make it fun, make it light, but make the rules clear.  The second prong is how YOU are going to handle the criticism.  I suggest removing the child from the table, and have all discussions with the child not in the public audience of family.  And then you need to train yourself to not argue, justify, overly-apologize, or become incensed.  I always have a handful of go-to topics to keep the conversation moving and away from the parenting.  Weather, hobbies, recent trips, noticing a new brooch, dish, whatever.  Keep it light, keep smiling, and then schedule a massage for the next day.

Perhaps your husband is looking at his nephew's age rather than showing favoritism.  A 20-year-old certainly has a greater need for money than a 10-year-old.  Whatever his reason, please remember that the giver has the right to choose the gifts he gives, just as the getter has the right to decide what to do with it.   If you're still annoyed, do your best to buy something extra for the four younger children or make something for them or offer to let them invite a bunch of friends over to your house for a party.

Marguerite

This dilemma calls for a family meeting!  I would gather everyone in the family together and say, "Christmas Morning is so fun, and I have noticed that is getting a little chaotic.  Let's develop a plan so that we know what we are doing when we wake up!  It is a new ________ Family Tradition!" This meeting can include when/how/what time to open gifts, as well as meal planning and execution.  Have everyone get involved in the solution-creation and keep it positive.  This way, everyone has a voice and a real compromise can be reached.

People do the damndest things but almost always out of love, not meanness, and also out of a need to protect themselves.  Your grandmother may be losing her husband; your mom may be losing her dad.  They may not have been ready to talk about it.  I'd tell your grandpa about it and tell him that you are sorry you didn't know he had cancer and ask him to let you know his latest medical news and whether he wants to talk about it or not.  Skype with him too and maybe bring home a terrific new book called It's Between You and Me, which will help the family plan 'the aging years', so everyone will know what your grandfather really wants.

Write a thank you for the generous gift and  toss the ham!

Volunteer Match is a great resource for this -- On their web site you can enter your address and the ages/interests of your kids and it will find local groups that need help.

Firstly, kudos to having an amicable relationship with your ex-husband.  I am hard-pressed to think of a reason that it would ever be a bad idea to celebrate holidays together!  I understand your worry about confusing her, but as long as you and your ex have boundaries, I think this is great!  What I mean by boundaries is that you do not send mixed signals about your relationship.  You and your spouse are friendly, but not overly affectionate.  And you keep your focus on the holiday and the child, not your relationship.  If you do that, you giving your child a wonderful gift!

This can be tough, especially in close quarters!  I would make sure that your "house rules" are posted so that everyone can see them.  They should say things like "no hitting, no hurting the house, no teasing" etc.  ("n0 ______" is CLEAR and DEFINITIVE language; good for kids and adults alike!)  Then, when the behavior occurs, it is helpful to point to the list and say, "In this house, we don't tease each other.  It hurts feelings."  You hold your boundary and keep restating the rules.  I am not necessarily advocating that you discipline your nieces and nephews, but by posting the "house rules", it helps everyone have responsibility, and gives you a proactive way of addressing misbehaviors!  And, it is always helpful to remember that your kids will not be ruined by the bad behaviors.  Kids adapt, and they also know what is okay for their house and what isn't.  Help them advocate for the rules in the house, and unless the behavior is egregious or dangerous, try not to worry too much. 

The question isn't whether you should give a present to him or not but why haven't you been in touch for a year?  When you come right down to it, the family is the essence of your life, with all its quirks, eccentricities and downright nuttiness that every family has in greater or lesser degree.  So give a present here, a present there and a phone call once in a while.  It won't hurt and it may even heal what must surely be an uncomfortable breach in the family.  And if you still don't want to do that, your husband can send those gifts instead.  But don't let the family slip away from you, however goofy it is.

I think your MIL is looking for a way to belong and I would try to give her some leeway.  If she says "the kid loves carrots with me!" Try saying, "Great, what is your technique?"  I have found that when you bring someone into the fold, rather than view everything as a potential fight, that person will suddenly soften.  Also, since MIL is so helpful, give her some jobs!  Say, "Can you help me think of ways to help Jimmy find his shoes?"  I bet your MIL will have a million ideas, and one might even help you.  Point is: as annoying as it can be sometimes, try to be inclusive and kind.  I am thinking she might resoond, in kind.

Be truthful.  Tell the extended that those kids just needed to take a break from the family for a while but  it makes you sad to talk about it, so you'd rather talk about something else.  And then immediately ask about them and their children which theywill answer  because people would really rather talk about themselves than about you anyway.

I think this is great.  What a lovely example of including the creativity of older kids!

Meredith Gelman is a Fairfax family therapist who offered advice in today's Local Living story on holiday dilemmas. I've posed similar questions to her for The Post's On Parenting blog and she always come back with the same answer: communicate.

These issues are best worked out in a frank conversation (or conversations) with your spouse beforehand. When the general boundaries are decided between the two of you (for insatnce, the children have to be in bed by 8pm every night) then the two of you can talk with relatives about your family's needs.

This isn't you against your husband's family, this is you, your husband and your kids as one unit celebrating the holidays with relatives.

Could you ask her to interview her grandfather with a tape recorder and help her prepare questions she can ask him?  Can you ask her to sing for him or recite a poem that she has memorized.  Can you watch a favorite old movie together or ask him about his favorite family memories?  Death is a part of life and a child really shouldn't be shielded from the leaving of it because it can make the death itself more heartbreaking for her and make her wish that she had used the time she had with him in a more meaningful way. 

I find the useful tool in my box is the concerned face and the concerned "yeah, hmmm, uh huh...."  The holidays are often NOT the time to talk about politics (well, with those that it will become WWIII), so I really believe in allowing the person some air-time, and then get busy.  Find a turkey to roast, an emergency in the bathroom, help a child, walk a dog, etc. and get away from the talk.  If you are trapped at the table, just smile and say something like "Wow, you have some strong convictions!  Hey, have I asked you about your trip to the midwest since I have seen you last?"  No one is going to change anyone, so just move the night along!

There are many ways to handle the Christmas dilemma and none of them are perfect.  You'll probably feel better about it though if you talk with each of your parents and let them know that it makes you feel bad that they're alone at Christmas and if they have any idea of something you could do that would make it better for them?  Just knowing how you feel should help them more than you know.

You are on a great track with understanding that this nephew is not a "bad kid."  Rather than trying to make him act in a manner that suits you, I would concentrate on spending some time with him where he shines.  Does he like sports?  Legos?  Get out in the yard or down on the floor and really have fun.  Children respond to positivity with positivity, and you want to be the Aunt and the Uncle who love him and accept, not point out his flaws.  And don't think your positive influence isn't important...it is!

If things are going well, you can say "Hey buddy, I would really love to be called Uncle Pete.  Thanks for understanding."  But don't fight for it...because it's really not that big of a deal (at least in the long run).

Spend some one on one time with him where he is not a problem to be fixed, rather he is a great kid, waiting to shine.

Hello!  This time about a million years ago, we were singing at Holiday Parties!  Thanks for chiming in....

How about letting them know that your family plans to celebrate a scaled back Christmas this year and that you'd like to throw out there that, given the state of the economy, that you all celebrate without gifts. Perhaps a Skype call instead? Or you can ask for specific homemade treats, like Aunt Norine's famous cookies.

If this a group that enjoys buying gifts, perhaps you can suggest a "secret Santa" approach where every adult chooses a single person to buy for (this helped my family transition from mass purchases.)

Also, it might be worth allowing older relatives to buy presents for you, (as long as no one is blowing their budget.) Many people derive real joy out of buying gifts for others. Accepting them in that spirit is a way to honor the person.

Hotels may be the single best invention for family unity. 

Thank the sister profusely and book the hotel. 

If it's in the budget, can you splurge on a hotel room for her?

Your mom is being passive-aggressive, which is a pity, because sooner or later this approach always backfires.  Why not talk with your mom before Christmas and offer to go through some catalogs with her, so she will know what her grandchildren want.  And if she won't do that, or says that she has already bought their gifts, tell her not to be shocked if they exchange them, because conformity is king at this age and every child wants to look just like their friends.  Just make sure that that the children write proper--and immediate--thank you notes to their grandmother and tell her if he had to exchange a gift to get the right size or she had to find a sweater to match the color of her eyes and how exciting it is to pick out her own clothes sometimes.   Your mom will grouse but you don't have to engage.  Think of grousing as one-handed verbal clapping.  It can't be done for long or with any hope of resounding success.

Firstly, you have a great sense of humor, which is 99% of the battle.  Seriously.  I would maybe develop some kind of tallying game and place some bets on complaints per night.  Put some $$$ on this! 

But seriously, find the safest topics you can and keep them in your back pocket.  Weather?  Trips?  School stuff?  Recent events?  Memories are also nice, so some "remember when..." stories can go a long way. 

At some point (when your blood starts to boil), you need an exit strategy.  Walking dogs, kitchen duty, childcare, etc.  Just get out of the room until you can face the complaining again.

This year, send the invitations to the parents and make it clear it is an adult party where kids are welcome. Also, keeping the hours short  will make it far less likely parents will use the party as a stand-in for an evening babysitter.

Perhaps call it an "open house"  where the adults can drop by between 3 & 5  with caroling to begin at 4:30. Children welcome.

Falalala

Don't worry about your toddler, as smart as he is.When children, even toddlers, have a question they infer the answer according to what they see and hear, without asking anyone for more information.  Worry more about your father-in-law and the toll he is taking on the family.  Your husband should call his doctor, tell him that he is acting irrationally and ask him to call his dad to come in for his annual physical.  If he agrees, the doctor can give him a full workup and maybe prescribe a mild drug to ease his anger.  Long shots are worth taking, if only because you'd feel so guilty if he got sicker and you hadn't done anything at all.

You are a aver self-aware person, and I think you are the brink of something here, but we don't know what.  You love the hostessing.  Got it.  You seem to understand that your in-laws are not into showing gratitude (or help or anything else that speaks to proper manners in 2011).  You say you do all of this because you love it, not for their show of appreciation.  Okay.  Yet....something bothers you.  So, that says to me that, yes, you love the celebration, but you are also looking for some thankfulness you will simply never get.

Is it a power struggle?  "I am going to MAKE them love this!"

Is it a insecurity issue?  "I am never enough...why can't they see what I am doing?"

Is it a lack of support from spouse?

You say you love this hostessing, but something is amiss.  Start to answer these questions to get to the bottom of it.

Good luck!

So, thank you for the work you do in being a presence in the life of a foster child.

Allow this young man to have his feelings...and don't try to sugar coat it.  Just sit with him, go for walks, go get some food...just being a positive and listening presence is enough.  Really.

And then you give the responsibilities and the joys that come with being in your home for the holidays!  Don't overthink it!

You are actually asking two different questions: How to handle your own disappointment at being given poorly chosen gifts AND how to buy for in-laws that you resent.

It might be worth it to think about what you value about gift exchanges. Do you find it fun to choose and buy gifts? Or do you find it an expensive hassle.

You're clearly not enjoying the current one-sided dynamic. Instead, how about changing your side of the equation -- not out of resentment but out of desire. Maybe you'd rather spend less time and money on the process. Inexpensive gift cards can be purchased in one fell swoop.

In the meantime, forget the in-law gifts. Accept them with gratitude, they are gifts after all, and remember that your daughter will one day by 12,

You might ask your family to spend less on the four younger children so they could buy presents for the two older ones, or you might just tell the two older children that your family doesn't give presents to kids if they don't know them well or if they are older, or you can simply say, "Aren't my folks being impossible?"  It's better to be honest than to buy gifts for them and pretend that they're from your family.