Live Q&As

If there's a game where he looked jolly, Denver era included, I'd like to see footage. 

But at 7:25 p.m. ET, he smiled. It was like a rainbow.

It was so hard to find a day we could get together that I doubt it would be regular, but we'll see if we can do it from time to time if it works.

We also don't want to wear out our welcome. 

I won't make Carolyn answer this. What happened at KU is what is happening at Maryland except we're a year further down the road. He IS Edsall in a LOT of ways. I had my reasons for wanting him gone and not sorry he is. The amount of my giving to the athletic department is nil, so it can spend its money as it pleases.

That is so sad! Do your folks have any ornaments you might have made as a kid, or are those the ones that got flooded? This would kill me. Our tree at home has 90% ornaments I made when I was living at home. I have 90% penguins, for some reason. Anyway, what about having a Christmas party (might be too late this year) and asking each guest to bring a handmade ornament (instead of the requisite bottle of wine or plate of cookies)? Not necessarily something they made themselves but not a ball out of a package? That will give your tree an eclectic look.

Carolyn, thoughts?

I have a bias more than an answer: Your old stuff looked great because it took years and meant something to you. So, you can't fix that in less than a month.

You can accelerate it, though, by trying Tracee's ideas. You can also try what I've been doing for about the last decade. Instead of collecting souvenirs from places (i hate clutter) I buy Christmas ornaments. Just about every place we go has something, even in June, and now just about everything on our tree has a story behind it. 

It also means that if you lose everything again, you'll lose a lot more than ornaments, so invest in a good storage box.

Wait and draft Andrew Luck next April.

Ha! No, that has nothing to do with it. Carolyn is a big sports fan; I'm a big fan of Carolyn's chat. Someone on my chat suggested we do a combined chat and get Carolyn's take on sports and my take on bridezillas. The idea was to have FUN. I realize fun has gone out of style but that was the intent.

I say no. He passed the grandparents and dogs test. He watched football on Sunday -- like many, many people. And even if he's an IT person who makes fun of people, he's an IT person. As someone whose home computer recently blew up, I wouldn't have minded being made fun of if I had had a son-in-law to come and retrieve my hard drive and reinstall everything for free. I could put up with a lot for that son-in-law. So I say keep an open mind, but so far, these aren't biggies.

I'm with Tracee here--having an IT person in the family who passed the good-sport test might even make me forget the faux-hawk. (Close call.) Plus, the Patriots are the perfect team to geek out by, so he's also showing signs of internal consistency, suggesting you can trust what you see.

How are Carolyn and I going to finish OUR online shopping today? Oh dear...

When I go to events, I keep a package of foam earplugs in my computer bag, and I'm not the other writer who does. The decibel level at arenas is bad; I'm glad I'm not at your house! Have you tried that? Sorry it that's a simple and obvious answer but they can help. I'm suggesting wearing them while reading your book in another room, by the way. I don't see any reason you should have to subject yourself to hours of watching of something your not interesting in, whether it's sports or anything else. Some people are much more susceptible to loud noises than others; it doesn't mean you have to tolerate being tortured.

Earplugs, yes, but also a spine. There are lots of civil ways to say "buzz off." For example, you can say, "I'll make a deal with you--I won't nag you to read/play with the kids/go for a walk if you don't nag me to watch the game." Or just, "Tried that, no thanks," when you get the "You'll love it" line.  Keep it light and keep it consistent, even if you reduce your answer to a mere wave of the hand--the non-verbal, "Go, off to your game, buh-bye."

The up side is, they want to include you/get your validation, so hold on to that when the "Buzz off" is close to forcing its way out of your mouth.

Well, I thought it was ... odd, to say the least. We're hardly the only two women at the Post, for starters.

One of these.

Look-at-me hair for the noncommittal.

Does your alumni group have gatherings? You'd find more folks your own age at those if it's really a problem.

If not, I say do it once, and you'll find it's not that bad. I'm a middle-age single woman in DC and I do a lot of things on my own, so I know exactly what you're saying, but I promise you it won't be so bad. And you might find that those pretty young things are big fans and a lot of fun to boot. Give it a try.

That depends on the personality of the person in question, I think. Some people can't take it. Some can. And that may be a deciding factor in whether you are dating, one of these days. But you have to be able to take it yourself. I've known people who were great dishers and bad takers. A very unattractive quality in a boy/girlfriend.

This seems a little passive-aggressive to me. Of all the teams he could have picked, he picked the Bears? Was there a reason? Big Jay Cutler fan? If there's a real reason he chose the Bears (there's nothing wrong with the Bears) then fine, but if he thought to himself, "What team would really irk her?" then all the little alarm bells should be sounding, I think.

But as for things getting tense when they play, I think you can mitigate that. A lot of families send kids to rival colleges and they survive. Heck, the Harbaugh brothers played each other on Thanksgiving. It only becomes a problem if you let it. Decide that you're going to have fun with it, or if you're unable to do that, decide that it's off-limits for discussion, but have some sort of guideline in place, and you'll be fine.

I agree on wanting to know why the Bears. If they live in the Chicago TV market is makes a lot of sense, and if they don't there's definitely a cloud of suspicion.

As for coexisting with a rival fan, yes, it is something you can work around--pretty easily, if you think about it. One thing to consider is that the fans are, in general, the ones who hold on hardest to rivalries, as players often remind them when they come up for free agency and start playing for the arch enemy. The affection for one player/coach/owner or another can have a basis in style of play or sportsmanship or media-conference aplomb, but otherwise, rooting for a team is rooting for a shirt. Assuming the suspicion clouds part and your relationship is solid, my advice is not to regard different shirts as a serious concern.

Good suggestions. Paper garlands are great and now that there are so many different kinds of paper ... and you could string some popcorn. Or -- and I love the way this looks -- take your Christmas cookie cutters and use ribbons to tie them to the branches. Assuming you're not going to make cookies. Then again, I own an excessive amount of cookie cutters.

I would never let the hair be my deciding factor because hair changes. The grandparent/dog test never does.

I'm a Chiefs fan and yes, they are awful, and yes, it is so important that you should let it ruin your life.

Just kidding about that last part. I should know the answer to why people get wrapped up in their favorite teams to the exclusion of everything else, but I don't. I know that being a sports journalist will cure you of that pretty quickly. I think you need to have a real heart-to-heart with him about this, but -- and I hate to say this -- I think it needs to come after the season. I don't think he'll be able to see himself clearly during the season. Save a few good examples and approach it from a "I'm worried about how much this is changing you" point of view. It's possible he hasn't even noticed this is happening. I can think of a few examples of my own from my own family but it's too late to save them. I hope you can help him -- or that the Chiefs get a lot better, which would be great. But not a long-term solution.

True. The way you describe your husband, it sounds as if he's using sports as a proxy, something that speaks for him more easily than he can speak for himself. Look for another source of unhappiness in his life* that he's using the Chiefs to express. Seriously.

If he had chosen a less frustrating team and was using it to feel some joy, the problem would still be the same--living and dying by a team is a very convenient distraction from other, more immediate and more consequential stuff--and it's more socially acceptable than, say, drinking to excess. Chances are people will just call you a rabid fan and let it go. 

*Look especially for stresses he feels he can't control, or the general stress of not being in control. Living through teams actually re-creates that sensation (since no matter how many times you say, "He never throws picks in this situation," it won't jinx the outcome), ironically, but it can feel like an escape from it temporarily.

Yes, gender is important today. Andy Reid has been amazing in Philadelphia -- just for dumping McNabb on the Skins he should get a break -- but this has been such an amazing failure that it wouldn't surprise me to see him go. And get another job as soon as he wants.

I was under the impression that had been tried, and had failed. But yes, of course, that should be the first attempt. If she can make herself heard. Or maybe she could hold up signs.

Your alumni association should also have a list of local chapters, and they should have the name of the local bar that hosts events. Every city seems to have them.

That's a good idea, or antique stores if you want a really old look. I love the very old glass ornaments and collect them. Maybe you have a relative that no longer has a tree and would like to be rid of them? Worth asking.

Only if it's an ebook. If it's not an electronic device, don't bring it out at the holidays.

Next!

Well, of course I'm kidding, and that's incredibly sad. Your boyfriend's family's first time to meet you and what an effort they made! And I assume your boyfriend joined right in. Worth making a mental note of this because this may be what they thinks is acceptable behavior for a guest or for a holiday. People burying themselves in their cell phones is never polite and yet it's becoming so widespread that that battle seems to be lost. So yes, I'd say, bring a book. And next year his parents will write Carolyn and say, "you won't believe it, but our son's girlfriend brought a book out after Thanksgiving dinner and read during the football game!"

Even if it was a mullet. I don't know how old you are, but when I go back and look at the hairstyles from my youth, I throw up a little in my mouth. Hair is hair. It's not that big a deal. (I grew up in a house where it was a HUGE deal so this is my overreaction to that, I think. We all have our issues.)

Poor Dr. Gridlock. Now there's a thankless job.

You mean where do "we" compromise? Depends on whether he's interested in compromising. Certainly tell him that the "epic" tag used more than once per sport per era ceases to have meaning--but that you get he wants to see certain games, so why not just say that instead of trying to whomp up proper justification?

This will be easier if, for your part, you don't expect him to miraculously become you and downgrade to a three-events-a-year schedule. It's possible he's using "epic" to try to pre-empt your criticism of his sports habit.

You might want to try a rating system, 1 to 10, of game anticipation. Have him give things a need-to-watch number, with the understanding that there will be a curve instead of 10-10-10-10-10, and in return you'll happily release him of all guilt for watching anything over a 6 (or whatever accruately represents your tolerance).

I'm going with 3. Sense of community. There's unity in hopelessness, just ask pre-2004 Sox fans.

There's also pride in not being a bandwagon chaser, to the point of snobbery.  

Excellent answer, I think.

Do you have any friends who like the Skins, maybe with kids so you could join them with your daughter? Because this sounds like an extremely unpleasant way to spend a Sunday. It's also not great behavior in front of a three-year-old. In fact, it's the behavior of a toddler. Not setting a great example. I get mad at times, I sing and yell and march, but I do not do these things around other people because I realize there's a tiny chance it might diminish their enjoyment. I'm sorry you have to put up with this. From reading the posts today, you are not the only one. Maybe we ought to start a club.

Almost never. You wouldn't know it from stale and moronic beer commercials, but a lot of women watch sports and a lot of men don't. And some of those sport-watching women aren't just in it to meet/impress men or undercut girly-girls. 

Not that this topic gets on my nerves or anything. Spoze that could explain why I don't get that question much.

I've asked myself the same question--and I've asked my husband, who is a football coach.

Remember, people who play football (generally speaking) are not coerced.

They're also getting better equipment and better care thanks to the same awareness that has you cringing at tackles.

I think  it's naive to believe that anything with a fat revenue stream will ever make player safety a top priority, but it is true that the word is out on the traumatic brain injury problem and coaches, parents and doctors at all levels of contact sports are being asked to get informed, get more careful and change their thinking. 

So, while I think deciding not to watch football any more is a legitimate response, I also think it's possible to be a sensible fan. Don't be in denial about what you're watching, don't cheer the vicious hits, don't buy the jersey of the person who's routinely drawing fines, don't put your dollars behind any sport you wouldn't let your kid play, etc.

You can make Christmas ornaments! (Seriously, it's a great stress reliever.)

Yes, I'm at the Post and Carolyn is in that bunker they're building near the White House. I am more expendable.

Will the Urban Meyer news help at all? I know Saturday was painful, but they weren't going to beat Michigan every year for eternity (I know, I know). And of course you can't say "Mom, they got themselves into this mess!" (I'm not heartless; I have a mom too and if I said that to her, she'd deck me.) I think you're going to have to go with "Urban Meyer will get everything straightened out, you'll see" and then maybe get a DVD of Woody highlights.

You need to start playing Cliche Bowl, which my dad and I started years ago and which makes you look forward to bad  announcer-speak. As you watch a game, you respond to the situation with the appropriate cliche. The down side is that you need to have someone watchign with you who is also fed up, because it's all about the matchups. Unless you're okay with talking to yourself.

Not Guinness. Used to be Blue Line pale ale, a hockey mom's friend, offered only at the Rock Bottom near Kettler Capitals Iceplex. But, they stopped making it. I took it personally and hung up my growler. My mass-market favorite is Sierra Nevada IPA. 

Is this sports or advice??

Husband's team, not even an issue, unless you don't like him. And if you make a conscious effort to learn the game just to see what he sees in it, well, then you can probably fly that goodwill to San Diego for a nice vacation.

But the other two choices are still better than huffing and complaining that sports are stupid. It's better to become a fan of his team's arch-rival than to huff. 

Bless you.

And that is my other team. I'm under attack here! Suh is just misunderstood! (kidding)

I'd like to throw my checkbook at Michelle and just run. In an hour, she'd have my life sorted out. She's the bomb.

You're a fairly serious distance runner, but then you call it a "running hobby"? If you're a runner, you're a runner. How many races are we talking about? Every weekend? I'm not sure if he's complaining that you run five miles after work every day or that you're going to races every Saturday or Sunday. If it's the former, I don't think your daily exercise is something you should feel you need to curtail. If you're spending every weekend racing, he may be telling you "I need you not to race every weekend because that's the only time we have to do something together." He may just be saying it in a bad way, or you're hearing it in a bad way.

This is a Rashoman question--you could get four people to describe it and all would have a different story. 

On one hand, you have the issue of accepting each other as you are. You are a serious runner, and that means you will be out running for long stretches almost daily, you will eat less indulgently, you won't stay up as late, etc. It's definitely a sport that drives a lot of your lifestyle choices, and anyone who chooses you as a partner needs, generally speaking, to love that or leave it.

On the other hand, you are in a serious relationship, and it's not unreasonable for your partner to expect the relationship (and the time you spend together) to deepen, in which case your devoting a lot of your leisure time to running would come as a legitimate disappointment.

All you can do, I think, is look at your time allocation as objectively as you can and  see if he has a point. If you don't think so--or if you agree but still don't want to reduce your training time--then you need to be clear that, to your mind, you're giving your full heart to both man and sport. Explain that you could certainly cut back the running to spend the time with him that he wants, but then you would feel you had to compromise to fiit his way of seeing things instead of doing what you feel is right. 

What you need most is a real effort to see each other's side of things. Seems as if you're both looking at it from the perspective of what you want to happen. 

I think he gets 1 or 2 games. If I'm the Lions organization, I'm concerned about this guy. He clearly has some serious anger issues. Forget what he cost the team, and will continue to cost the team, in terms of penalties. What if he gets that angry in a road incident, or a domestic incident? At least that guy had a helmet and pads. If I were the Fords, I'd get him some serious counseling because his actions just scream that he needs some help.

Sad, but I think they were out of better alternatives. It wasn't working, and it was bad enough that packing off this player or that player wouldn't have been enough of a jolt. This patient needed to be revived with the paddles. Hope it works--when they're on,  this collection of talent is just a joy to watch. They brought me back to watching hockey after a long time away.

You have too many problems for just one chat. We're going to need to see you twice a week for the rest of your life.

Be a good listener, and when you're well and truly bored, change the subject. Or just say, "I don't follow sports as much as I used to. So what's going on that's interesting?" There is a chance you're friends will see this as a value judgment, no matter how you couch it, but that can't be helped. There is nothing wrong with you. If they ask you what you're doing instead, tell them, and you might be surprised to learn they're interested. Or they aren't. Either way, at least you aren't pretending to be interested in the Heat.

I think I'm going to start doing that with answers I'm not 100 percent comfortable posting. I'll call it my little voice.

I just ignore the girl-club thing. I find it easier than getting outraged.

I don't know how prevalent it is but we're going to find out in the coming months. If you think about it, it's the perfect breeding ground. The sports programs are irresistable bait for these predators to use on young boys. I shudder to think of what we DON'T know and probably will never know. Any athletic department that isn't putting checks and balances into place right now is being foolish. I'm talking changing the locks on all facilities, key cards to gain access, camera surveillance, and a system of reporting that does not involve your immediate superior. And about a hundred things I'm not thinking of. They need to make it impossible for coaches to use campuses as lures. Of course, this won't stop them, and that's the really awful part. These kids never get over this abuse. That's what they all have in common. They never get over it.

All hail the DVR. Lifesaver for mixed-fan couples, parents of young kids, or anyone else who balks at letting sports anchor the schedule.

Remember the mantra: It's just a shirt. You're all just yelling for a different shirt.

Hah. It's because the risk I'll send someone to an attorney (or a hospital) with a bad answer is much lower. I think I'll drop in on a knitting chat next. 

I weep with joy to be alive in the era of microbrews. It almost makes up for its coinciding with the era of reality TV. Cushions the blow if nothing else.

That this kind of anger about a game is too much anger. You have to leave the house as long as this is going on, that's a given, but it's not a long-term solution. Is this the only time he exhibits this kind of rage? If this is 16 Sundays a year, I don't know how you get him into counseling, because he won't see the problem, but breaking remotes is an over-the-top reaction to a football game.

This is a Haxian question, but I'm going to take a swing and say that if you believe you're old enough to date a man 20 years older than you, then you're old enough to tell your parents. Can't have one without the other. Not telling them belies their believe that you are mature for your age.

Carolyn?

I say Tracee saved me some typing. Out with it to Ma and Pa or admit you're in over your head.

Keep looking. There are guys out there for whom this isn't the biggest turnoff in the world, but for some guys, yes, this is an issue, and it's annoying, because they're always the ones who get together with their buds and complain that their "girls" don't "understand" them. Well, you should have married someone who liked sports, dude! But not all men are like this. Really.

Your script: "I've been waiting for it to come up organically and it hasn't, so I'm going to ask: Are you willing to talk about what happened in your marriage?"

Seven months is a lot of not-asking; I hope you're not this timid otherwise, because that will get you in more trouble than what you don't know about your BF's ex-marriage.

Yes, true.

Great ideas! Anything you might have collected would be great on a tree. Teacups. I have little china animals from when I was a kid.

And no glitter is great, and may I add, please, send no Christmas cards with glitter. It just gets all over everything and annoys me.

And while we're on Christmas cards, please don't just sign your name. Add a line or two to say how you're doing, or even a hokey Xeroxed letter. I don't mind those. Better than "Dave." I know your name, fool. I want to know how you ARE.

From your lips to God's ears ... and everyone else's, too. They're games and they're supposed to be fun. FUN.

I don't think he needs to hear any of it, besides a generic "A coach hurt some kids" if he asks directly what you're talking about-- but you do need to teach him, if you haven't already, the difference between a "good touch" and a "bad touch." Also (if you haven't already), now's the time to make sure you are parents with whom your child can be completely honest--and that means you show him day in, day out that you're the safest place for him to tell the truth. No shaming or yelling or ridicule (sounds obvious but it's so important not to laugh or dismiss it when kids admit their kid stuff to you, no matter how silly it sounds to you). Start being this safe place now, so that you give yourselves your best shot of being the person your boy tells if someone creepy approaches him.

Don't just take what I say and run with it, though--get some guidance (ask at his school) on the language and protocol of preparing kids to protect themselves from predators. It starts early, with careful limitations on the info you give and careful reinforcement of the lesson of trusting their "no" voice.

Oh dear. Is this during a game, or just any old time? There is no polite way to say what you need to say, but give it a try. Maybe, "I'm sorry, I'm just not interested in (SEC team). Say, what do you think about (insert topic here, avoiding religion and politics)?" If he starts up again, you have to go to Plan B. 

Is there some interest you have that would bore him to tears? Because I would flip him on it. I'm very lucky to have genealogy in my life. Whenever you can break into the conversation, just start in. Be the bore you never ever thought you'd be. Then pop quiz him. If that doesn't work, you're just going to have to literally get up and leave the room when he opens his mouth. No other options.

Let's see, your wife is being incredibly kind to you. That IS odd. Hmmmmm. Does she like theater or the symphony or something you could get her tickets to, so that she'd HAVE to go and leave the kids with you, thus making you feel better and giving her a well-earned break? Otherwise, you'll just have to face it, you have a great wife.

The guys who want the girly-girls are guys you don't want. It really is that simple. Sure, a lot of guys want to hang with guy buddies, and likewise many women prefer the company of their girl buddies. To each his or her own. There are also planty of people who aren't interested in the buddy system. No matter what a person's preference, it takes time to find someone you're attracted to whose preference aligns with yours.

Thanks to the posters for their suggestions. Ornaments are a passion of mine, if you couldn't tell. :)

Well, I would advise anyone who'd been molested to talk to a professional about it (as an adult) and if he/she is a child, talk to the parents or if, God forbid, it's a parent, to a teacher. For parents, believe your kids when they tell you they've been harmed. Get them help. React calmly and get professional advice. I heard from victims whose parents didn't believe them and those have got to be the most gut-wrenching emails I've ever read.

I would also say that parents need to remember that the danger to their children isn't necessarily a stranger. It's often a friend, or a relative, or someone they know through church, or school, or sports, or ... the list could go on and on. I'm not sure how you explain that to children but there are professionals out there whose job it is to know.

Dear Bruce in DC: A guy like you, with clean carpets, attractive track suits, and an ability to play the kazoo, will be snapped up in no time. Don't dwell on what went wrong; sit by the phone. You'll get a call in no time and be off on an exciting new relationshp!

Our powers are mighty!

No, it means you are approaching sports from a logical and sensible manner. You're fine. I promise you, you're fine.

I'll do you one better: I grew up in CT, rooting for the Giants and the Pats. I scarred myself for life a few Super Bowls ago. 

Think of what you can teach your kids about tolerance by supporting each other's fan afflictions (no, not a typo for affiliations). And, just to preserve that harmony, move to a neutral third location; your kids will root for their local teams against both sets of yours.

Not knowing the details of the game, it's hard to answer specifically, but I have seen different approaches to the lopsided win. Usually they're some version of sitting the starters and putting in all the bench, and stalling without scoring. That's hard in football (you don't throw, but you have to run, and really good teams run right through bad ones), but in sports with passing, like hockey/soccer/basketball, you just pass without shooting and eat as much clock as you can. Some teams just get thumped sometimes, and letting them play it out is often the less humiliating option of two humiliating options.

Somethign youcan do in youth sports but not in, say, high school league games, is break the game into an informal one. Just saw that in hockey, when the refs stopped the game, the dominant team donated a couple of players to the other team and they had a coach-led scrimmage. Middle school is on the line between the two, dunno if that's possible. 

As for the specifics we have on this game, it sounds as if the coach needs to go, unless the kids openly defied instructions to stop shooting. In the latter case, then, yes, penalize the team. Assuming there isn't more to the story.

I'd need to read more about this game. This isn't the first time something like this has happened. I seem to recall recently in such a blowout the losing team was angry when the winning team let up on them. The winning team in this instance pulled its starters early -- accounts differ on the time -- but they almost couldn't stop scoring. They may have been 98 points better than the other team. Maybe the coaches should have spoken but if there is no provision in the rules for that, then one team has to forfeit. From the little I was able to read, these teams shouldn't have been playing each other -- and they may play again. Pretty sad.

Thanky.

I'm going with novelty; running QB's tear up the joint when they first arrive in the NFL, then the defenses catch up. Can't say with any confidence that'll happen with Tebow, since I haven't watched enough and I'm no expert, but over the years it seems there's always some new running QB, and the ones who succeed are the ones who manage a transition to more traditional pocket QBs. 

Agreed; the league will probably catch up to him, but I love it when someone different comes along and makes everyone wrong. Plus his personality annoys so many people, which kind of makes it even more fun.

Well, we've run long, which is a time-honored tradition on both chats, so thanks for joining us for the first annual Hax/Hamilton chat. And thanks to Carolyn for being receptive to the idea! I hope you all enjoyed it!

yes, definitely, thanks.