Tuesdays with Moron: Chatological Humor Update (September 10, 2013)

Sep 10, 2013

Gene's next monthly chat is next Tuesday, September 24 at noon. You may submit questions here.

- Want to find out what you're missing? Check out Gene's August live chat to get an idea of how the monthly chat works.

On one Tuesday each month, Gene is online to take your questions and abuse. He will chat about anything. Although this chat is sometimes updated between live shows, it is not and never will be a "blog," even though many persons keep making that mistake. One reason for the confusion is the Underpants Paradox: Blogs, like underpants, contain "threads," whereas this chat contains no "threads" but, like underpants, does sometimes get funky and inexcusable.

Greetings update readers!

A few minutes ago,  I was writing the introduction to this update, about something crappy that I read online, and I got so angry I realized I had to save it for the next full chat, because I wanted to discuss it with you all in real time.   So here we are without an update introduction.   Then on the basis of this 911 call from yesterday I decided I would write you a poem about how George Zimmerman is the worst man in the world, until I checked  the news this morning to discover that no charges were brought because, apparently, much of what Shellie was saying was not true, such as that George had threatened her with a gun and punched her father in the nose.

So I gave up and decided I would instead reprise the single greatest video ever linked to in Chatological Humor, the brilliant silent-film saga of the three drunks and a horse, taken from a police surveillance video.   It's about men, women, sex, drugs, and The Meaning of Life.   Had it been directed by Chaplin on a million-dollar budget, it could not have been better.  Cheers.

Now for some leftover questions from the last chat:

I feel a kinship with the female chatter turned off by Pitt due to cleanliness issues. I, also, can directly link my celebrity crushes with perceived fastidiousness. Johnny Depp/Ethan Hawke/Sean Penn -- no, on grounds of perceived grubbiness. On the other hand: Aidan Quinn/John Cusack/Patrick Dempsey(Donald Sutherland (in the Klute years)--tidy! But I like fastidious men in real life. I hope never to meet any of these people, since celebrity fastidiousness (as well as the rest of their real lives) should remain out of the public's view.

Hm.  This is interesting, actually.   I get the revulsion at grubbiness, but have you ever noticed that one identifying characteristic of the predatory pedophile is fastidiousness?  A too-squeaky-clean look?  Think about it.  It might be the defining characteristic!

 

Is it ok to have sex with a man (or anyone else) while drunk?

Another interesting question! 

For a woman, perhaps more so than for a man, and for unfair reasons, I am thinking that this is a more freighted question.

A question for the ladies: Do you tend to have some sort of sobriety benchmark, or test, that you subject yourself to, after which (however willing you might be under the circumstances) you just won't? 

This is interesting territory to me, a man for whom this is all moot and has been for a very long time.   I am thinking that because of societal norms, women are more likely to wake up deeply regretful than men are.    Possibly I am wrong about this and would like to hear thoughts on this for the next chat.  But I am thinking a young man who might awaken beside someone who might not meet his usual criteria, would more easily chalk it up to understandable male behavior, whereas women would beat themselves up.  

Perhaps I am an old coot and this has all changed.  Tell me.

It's okay--but it's a little challenging.

Okay, I am just going to say this, without elaboration, and walk away.   Drunk men are often impaired in the sack in certain ways, but I believe some women know that sometimes drunk men, impaired in some ways, get VERY hungry.

The aggressively sexy look isn't my favorite for women, but it conveys the message that they are trying to be sexy, which I appreciate. And in any event the grown-up sexy look is a million times better than the "I'm just a wittle girl!" faux-innocence look.

But what is wrong with the  "Hey, I'm a lawyer or a journalist or a librarian,  and I'm smart and funny and hot and self-possessed but I'm not performing for you and certainly not ACTING for you, and I don't know if you're good enough for me to waste my time on anyway" look? What's wrong with THAT look, which has the virtue of not being pathetic or postured?  I like that look in a woman, because it's not a look.   It's who she happens to be.

A male friend of mine recently went to a foreign country where English is not the language. He needed to rent a car and was seriously considering renting a stick - even though he didn't know how to drive one. We finally talked him out of it (both my husband and I know how), but he still thought he could do it as, he told us, he played video games that used a stick and he understood how it worked. We laughed and laughed at him, but do you think it would be possible to learn in such a different environment? I remember needing lots of practice before I finally got the hang of it, but I was also a teen. And having to do that in a country where I'm not fluent in the language? Gah!

My brother learned at 19 when he secretly bought a car, without my parents' permission.  He met the seller on the street, the payment was made, the keys handed over, the seller departed, and my brother looked down and thought "Why are there two brakes?" 

He learned on the way home.    Very very difficult lesson, involving much lurching.  He had it by the time he got there, and parked several blocks away. 

My answer to you is that it's possible, but if you are simultaneously learning with steering-wheel-on-the-right -- no. 

Re: your opinion of Angelina Jolie's sexual attractiveness. I'm kind of neutral on Jolie herself, but most people I know are completely baffled by the fact that I just don't understand why men are so enthralled with Julia Roberts. I see nothing there that makes me go all lust crazy. I felt the same way about Marilyn Monroe. (Yes, I'm straight, and yes, I'm old enough to have been around when Monroe was making movies.) That being said, I had a conversation yesterday with someone about my age and the subject of "Get Smart" came up. Barbara Feldon - now tell me you didn't have a major crush on her when you were a teenager, Gene.

I'm with you on Julia Roberts -- same lip thing -- and also on Barbara Feldon.  Rowr.

When I was seven I was really into Annie Oakley.  Now THAT was a hot lady.     

Okay, that's it.  See you next week.

To submit questions for the next monthly chat, go to this link.

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Gene Weingarten
Gene Weingarten is the humor writer for The Washington Post. His column, Below the Beltway, has appeared weekly in the Post's Sunday magazine since July 2000 and has been distributed nationwide on The Los Angeles Times-Washington Post News Service. He was awarded the 2008 Pulitzer Prize for Feature Writing.

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