Conversations / Live Q&A

Thank you for sharing your concern about your grandfather.  While it may seem difficult to bring up the subject, a conversation together can be a good place to start.  Asking him some open-ended questions like “how are things going for you?” and really listening to his answers can give you information about what’s going on for him and start to show him you care.  Let him know you are concerned for his well-being and safety, and ask him what ideas he has and if there are ways he’d like your help.  He may also be concerned about his own driving, for instance, but be worried about giving up his independence, so together, you may be able to come up with some options that can maintain both his safety and his independence.  For information about services that are available in his area, you may find the website www.eldercare.gov to be helpful.  

Yes, mediation can be appropriate here, as a way to talk with him about your concerns and hear his own, and come up with options that can work for all of you.  A Geriatric Care Manager may also be a helpful resource; a GCM can assess your father's ability to live at home, suggest modifications in the environment, as well as suggest and provide supports in whatever environment you all agree on.  See www.caremanager.org

As far as what is realistic for resources in your area, you may want to consult some local organizations near where they live.  www.eldercare.gov can help you locate appropriate care nearby.  Regarding "what's best" - this varies from family to family.  Consider having a conversation with your grandparents to hear their concerns and their wants, and then to express your own.  If this conversation sounds challenging, a mediator can help.

Providing flexibility to the extent you are able can go a long way toward reducing the stress that caretakers are under.  Be clear with your employees around what flexibility you can allow and how you wish to be communicated with (regarding schedule changes, etc.).  Offering "brown bag" programs about issues related to caregiving, and even an employee caregiver support group, can be helpful to provide information about resources available and give needed support to caregivers.

Yes, there are other resources available.  Check with her local area service on aging (in Massachusetts called Aging Services Access Points - see www.800ageinfo.com) for information on what is available there.  (Nationally, try www.eldercare.gov) There are also medication boxes that have alarms and timed releases to help people remember when to take medications.  Regarding supporting your mom, while it may not sound like much, a good listening ear can go a long way.  Check-in with your mom regularly and give her the chance to talk with you about her experiences (both joys and frustrations).  Asking her how you might help provide her with some respite can also help.

Start by asking him if he'd like some help -- acknowledging that he seems to be doing really well but that you want him to know you are there and willing to help out if there's any way he'd like you to.  Remind him that you care about him and love him, and want to help if he'd find it to be helpful, but that you also don't want to "step on his toes."

Great point.  Thanks for sharing! 

Regular medical workups are also helpful.  Some physical issues (like urinary tract infections) can produce symptoms that are misleading and similar to dementia.

You may find some of the groups and forums at the Family Caregiver Alliance website (www.caregiver.org) to be helpful.  Local aging service centers may also have in-person groups that would be helpful.  Finally, consider talking with a local counselor, clergy, or therapist.  Therapy need not be long-term, but can be very helpful to deal with the grief and exhaustion following your long-term caregiving, and can be a way to give back to yourself and identify how you would like to reinvest in your own life so that your future can be fulfilling.  Best wishes to you.  You gave a tremendous gift to your mother.  Take the time now to treat yourself with loving care -- you deserve it!

The emotional support can be very helpful, so it's great that you recognize and give that.  You may want to ask if there is some respite you can provide when you do visit -- for example, providing extra visits to your grandparents, cooking meals for the freezer, or helping with appointments while you are there.   And, while distance may prohibit you from helping your own grandparents as much as you would like, consider volunteering locally to help other people's grandparents nearby -- delivering Meals On Wheels, visiting at a local senior center or facility, etc.  Thanks for your caring.

It sounds like all these steps may seem overwhelming for her.  Acknowledge that all these decisions and steps can seem difficult and overwhelming, and give her the chance to talk about it if she wants to, just listening to what she's going through.  Ask her if there is any piece of this that she'd like your help with.  Let her know that you are worried about what might happen in the future, and want to be of help to her now if you can. 
If this conversation seems too difficult to have on your own, a local mediator can help you talk together and hear each other.

Your question has two parts – a legal question (and for that I would direct you to a website resource for elder law issues: www.ElderLawAnswers.com) and a question of fairness.  What feels fair can be different for each family member, and as a result, fairness is an issue that is often discussed in mediation.  Sometimes, when people have a conversation about fairness and hear each other’s points of view, they can craft solutions that feel fair to everyone.