Live Q&As

B remains that dazzling "what if" because you two never got past that thrilling stage of going at each other like ferrets in heat. By your own admission you get chronically itchy once things get too domestic and go lookin for the buzz that only a new relationship, preferably an illicit one, can offer. If you were to make  B the main act in your life, believe me you'd find yourself inextricably drawn to  X,Y, and Z.  You decided to reform and make a committment. Then a test arrived in the form of an email from B. Since you've remained friends with her, write back. Say it was nice to hear from her, but you are in a very happy relationship that you hope will go the distance. Say you will always think fondly of her, but you two have to remain to each other the ones that got away.  Then end the correspondence.  Put all your focus on a single letter of the alphabet; in this case it's easy to remember because it's A.

By the time the wedding roles around you may look like the elephant in the room, but please stop dwelling on why your sister-in-law has chosen such an unfelicitious date to get married.  Life happens -- in your case a new life will happening just as she says, "I do." It's very possible neither you nor your husband will be able to attend the ceremony because you'll be in labor or have just delivered.  So, first of all, discuss this with your obstetrician. She or he will give you a general reading about the date and the distance and advisability of your attending. Then respond to the invitation accordingly. If you two end up declining, so be it. If your sister-in-law then becomes an elephant on a rampage, she will be making the choice to ruin her own special day.

Over and over my in-box demonstrates that some people just don't want to be helped. Yes, she's reaching out to you as a kind of lifeline. Then she comes up with a load of excuses for why she can't flee from someone who assaults her. I think you should tell her that since she's told you about what's going on, and provided you with evidence of her husband's criminality, you feel compelled to take action. Tell her you wanted to give her a heads up that you're going to look into reporting this abuse. First call this domestic abuse hotline: 800-799-SAFE (www.thehotline.org)  and explain to them what's going on. You need to get a reading about how to safely get her out, so you don't want to call the police without getting advice on how to help someone who won't report her abuse.  Let's hope your phone call will be the start of making sure you never get the phone call you dread.

I completely understand your bitterness at this unequal treatment, but look where's it's landed your brother. He's one of life's screw-ups. He's always been indulged and now he's apparently incapable of making his way in the world.  There's no excuse for the ugly family dynamic of one child being the golden one and the other the goat.  But as you demonstrate, sometimes the unfavored child comes out on top. You've worked hard for everything you've gotten; you were responsible for your own education, and now you've made your way in the world and don't need bailing out.  Your family failed you, but you have succeeded in life. The best thing for you may be to put in place severe limits on your interactions with your family so that you enjoy what you've accomplished without constantly renewing the bitter taste they leave in your mouth. And since you cannot fully enjoy your own life, seek out a counselor who has a special interest in childhood neglect and abuse.

If you're being sexually harassed by a fellow employees, obviously you should take this complaint to Human Resources. Oh, sorry, your harasser is in HR department. Well, at least she'll have first-hand experience with the kinds of incidents she'll be expected to help mediate.  You need to send her an email that's curt and pointed. Say that you are happy she has found full-time employment at your company, but that your personal relationship is over. Say there it no chance it will  be revived, and for the sake of you both being comfortable at work, she needs to stop calling and emailing you about getting back together.  If she keeps at it, and you feel you can't just ignore her, then print out your email chain and take it to her supervisor. Say you've got a real dilemma: What do you do when someone in HR won't leave you alone?

Although it makes me sound as if I miss the days when I had a pet Triceratops, to me the "not ready for marriage" discussion is trumped by the arrival of one's child.  I agree with the researchers who have published a recent study called Knot Yet from the National Marriage Project about how the normal life script of marriage followed by children has been thrown out by a growing segment of our population. So here you both are raising a child. But now you're  finding out your boyfriend is iffy about the marriage thing, and you're considering taking your kid and walking.  Whether or not you two abandon your relationship, don't abandon your therapist just yet.  It's good you're addressing these issues, and in the therapist's office you can find out what marriage means to each of you and why your boyfriend is so frightened of it.  It may be the "lifetime committment" aspect terrifies him. If so, he really needs to think about what being a father means.  Blowing things up out of hurt or pique will do no good for any of the three of you. It's fair that you're angry,  but try to deal as calmly and openly as possible with these issues. You list all the ways you two have a strong foundation, so your goal should be to not undermine what you've already built.

It's one thing if a sibling has some kind of disability which makes it impossible for him to care for himself. It's another if a brother is just a spoiled jerk. In that case, I don't think the letter writer should be pushing to be cut out of the parents' will.  Sure, the brother may have been trained that some family member will always bail him out, but once the parents are gone, the letter writer has no obligation to throw money on that sinking ship.

Exactly, instead of taking it as a personal affront, just accept that the conflicting dates are one of those things.

Your problem is that you're so tied into  needing your parents' approval. This tells me that you  aren't ready, at age 21, to move in with a much older man.  Sure, your parents are being rude and unfair, but they disapprove of their baby's choice. I'm rather convervative about people moving in together. Not because I think unmarried partners shouldn't have lots of sex, but because it prematurely puts pressure on a relationship that may not be ready for this kind of de facto committment. You met this guy when you were still in college, and now you're planning to sign a lease with him even as you struggle with getting your mother and father to embrace your relationship. Of course it's painful at any age to have your parents dislike your partner. But when you are more mature, you have a different perspective on your parents' role in your life.  I suggest you and your boyfriend continue  keep separate domiciles for a whole lot of reasons, only one of which is your relationship with your overprotective parents.

I understand your bafflement and distress. When kissing one's pets on the nose, the sound one makes should not be "om nom nom" but "num, num, noo." Everyone knows that.  I would feel better about your objection if you then said that your girlfriend suffers from constant bouts of feline-related flu. But it sounds as if she's just fine. This is no deal-breaker but one of   life's little quirks that requires partners to indulge each other.  So while you roll your eyes at her cat kisses, you don't try to stop them. And while she rolls her eyes at your hygiene commands, she rinses with mouth wash. This should make all three of you purr with contentment.

What you do is silently accept that this flattering commentary.  She thinks you have great taste and on two (imagaine that, two!) occasions she's bought clothes she's seen first on you.  As the Bible has noted, coats can come in many colors. I simply cannot imagine the circumstances under which you life would be impinged by your sister-in-law showing up with the same model in a different shade. Stop dwelling on her "superior" height and build, and just try to build a lovely relationship with a woman who admires your fashion sense.

Sadly, marriage and child-bearing have become decoupled. Of course there are rotten parents who are married (just read this column) and marvelous parents who are doing it solo. But as a society, we are losing the sense that one first finds a suitable life partner, commits, then has children.  This trend toward thinking marriage is a scarier commitment than childbearing is one of the reasons for the increasing inequality in our society.  People with college degrees are far more likely to follow the old-fashioned sequence, to the benefit of their offspring.

Since you say your sister has a history of isolating and demonizing family members your sister may be a headcase. Or it could be that in order to live her own life, she had to break away from her repressive family. But I do pause when I read about a toast that celebrated someone's "true" personality. Much better to be dully conventional in your praise than to enumerate the personality traits of the guest of honor that apparently have caused much conflict with the other family members present. Presumably your conservative parents and other relatives had to listen to how your sister pushed back against their most deeply held beliefs, and that may have been terribly embarrassing for everyone. But instead of talking to you about how your toast caused her discomfort, she's turned this into a family-wide spectacle.  Email your sister and offer your apologies. Even if you think you did nothing wrong, your toast went over badly, and that deserves a mea culpa. Say you only meant to celebrate what you find most admirable in her, but you see now that you took the wrong tack. Say that you know from what you heard from the other guests that everyone had a great time at the wedding and were very happy for her. Write that you  hope she can forgive some unintentionally ill-considered remarks, because you want to share in the beginning of this joyous phase of her life.

Yes, that's definitely part of the question. But the abuse has been going on for a decade  so there's a lot more to this dynamic than worrying about the pets.