Live Q&As

In another era, it was common for a teenage girl to be matched with an already established man. This kind of thing is still standard in many parts of the world. But today we look at adult men having sex with minors through a different moral and legal lens. However, you and your wife are long-time spouses, you are raising two children,  and you have a delightful relationship.  Your wife repeatedly asserts that things got their sexual start through her own agency.  If you had had a pattern of sexual encounters with underage girls, or were expressing an interest in them now, that would be an entirely different story. But there is no point in undermining the foundations of a thriving marriage because you are uncomfortable with its origin. Lots of happy couples have "how we got together" stories that aren't entirely respectable.  Your wife's parents are not agitating to bring a statutory rape charge against their son-in-law and father of their grandchildren. You have a story with a happy ending, so don't sully it by obsessing destructively on  its start.

I'm all for formers getting along, especially when there are children involved. I'm also for intimate, low-key wedding ceremonies, especially when they are the second time around. But even if I disagree with your sisters throwing a fit, I agree with their point that  it will take away from the sweetness of the moment if your loved ones are thinking that when your officiant gets to, "By the powers vested in me," he might add, "it is with great relief that I say thank goodness she's yours and not mine." You do not want the moment that you two are being joined to be accompanied by mass eye-rolling and elbows to the ribs by those in attendance.  It's fine  if you ex and his girlfriend attend the ceremony, but surely you and your fiance can find a mutually agreeable person to preside over your wedding who does not also have carnal knowledge of either of you.

You and your girfriend were both voluntarily having tussle that was both sexy and angry, and you gave her a slap to the back. When you say it was harder than you intended I wonder if you left a giant hand-sized bruise, or if this slap landed more robustly than your other wrestling moves.  Only you know if you really intended to hurt her out of anger or if it's hard to calculate the line when a man and a woman are choosing to work out a disagreement in a physical way. But I will take you at your word that the force was more than you intended and was done in a very specific context. In that case, the lesson for you is to be particularly aware of limits when you're skirting the edge of them. Frankly, I think you should be careful about going and essentially reporting yourself for domestic abuse in such an ambiguous situation. The consequences of unburdening yourself could be most unpleasant.   I also think you should get back in touch with your girlfriend, apologize again, and say you see the whole sexy-angry encounter as a mistake that resulted in a terrible miscalculation on your part. Say that even if she continues to conclude the relationship is over, you hope she can accept what happened truly wasn't intentional and you'll always regret it.

Yes, you should have told the husband -- your husband. It's unfortunate that your first move was to wade into someone else's marriage instead of dealing with your own.  You have no idea of the situation  of your husband's partner in lust. Maybe her husband will be grateful for the information. Maybe they have an open marriage. Maybe there are all sorts of complications in their lives you just aren't privy to.  But I do take you at your word that your marriage is irretrievably broken and that a lawyer is the right next step.  Mark Zuckerberg has said that his invention will make the world better because  it removes barriers between people. But I bet back in his Harvard dorm room, he didn't have this kind of thing in mind.

I'm so sorry for this situation, and am grateful for this confirmation that drastic personality changes call for an immediate medical evaluation.  You have made an heroic effort to keep your husband functioning and this must be incredibly draining. I hope you have a lot of emotional support yourself and have the opportunity for respite from dealing with your own life and managing your husband's.  One hallmark of brain damage is that people lose an awareness of how they are behaving.  Your husband needs more rehabilitation. Fortunately, we now recognize how plastic the brain is, and as your husband is still young, the potential for further healing is there. But he needs therapy. Since you're such a good organizer start doing research to find the kind of rehabilitation center that works on healing the whole person.  Having couples therapy with a counselor schooled in the physical and psychological consequences of stroke could make a huge difference in your lives.

Let's hope he was in one of those states because I agree it would help psychologically to feel that the law recognized his now-wife was legally able to consent. Several other writers are pointing out that as his children are growing, maybe he is worrying that they will be looking for an inappropriately older partner.  If that's the case, a few sessions with a therapist to deal with this could offer big relief.

You're married to an alcoholic.  He is unwilling to recognize this because the most he's capable of doing is "cutting back" on his ruinous behavior.  Even if he won't go to Alcoholics Anonymous, you should go to Al-Anon for support from other people who have an alcoholic in their lives.  If you are married to an alcoholic who won't put down the bottle, then I don't see many options except leaving.

A woman drinking excessively during her pregnancy is a touchy issue. What parents decide to name their child is not, even if they announce their baby will be  Chartreuse Ivy.  So your in-laws "staked a claim" to a name. I assume they didn't file this claim at the same federal office that deals with mineral rights.  If you like a name and they like a name, then if they go on to have another child of the appropriate  sex, they are free to  "reuse" the name.  Just be sure you haven't landed on this name because it allows you to give a needle to a disliked relative. You don't want your child saddled with a name that carries any bad feelings.

If you have to leave the room because of the volume of a young colleague's eating, then you will be doing him a huge favor by discussing this with him (but not over a meal). You say he's "quirky" which could mean he lacks certain social skills, but since he's eager to advance, you have to tell him that he has a habit he's probably not aware of he needs to address. Explain he is a really loud eater and he needs to tone it way down. Since you're in the movie or TV business, you could suggest that he tape himself eating and listen and watch what he does. He could also find an etiquette consultant who could give him a few sessions on table manners.  To put him at ease, be calm and unembarrassed. In years to come, he'll probably look back with gratitude that you were willing to have a difficult conversation that helped his career. 

I can see being eager to have this experience and hoping it would be transcendent. But there's something wrong if you were simply anxious to get it over with. That kind of attitude tends not to lead to a lot of chemistry. Since you have no sexual experience,  it's realistic to expect your first encounters will feel awkward and self-conscious. But disgusted and depressed is not a normal reaction. I'm wondering if you have had some sexual trauma in your past, or you were raised in a sexually punitive environment. Put off dating for now, and since you are at college, take advantage of the free counseling available to you and discuss your reactions with a therapist.

What a dreadful situation, one that's emotionally scarring for everyone. I can understand  your loathing for this girl. Had her accusations not been found to be false the consequences for your son would have been ruinous. But good for you that you also pity her. As you say, either she was egged on by her mother, or she is mentally unbalanced, or both.  Since she is continuing with her claims, I think you and your husband should talk to a lawyer about how to protect yourselves.  It could be that if your husband is seeing her alone, he might be the next one to be accused. So talk to someone with expertise  about how he can have visitation with his daughter while making sure the situation is safe.  Once you've done that, you may feel sufficient safeguards are in place so that you worry less about the future. Dwelling on dreadful cases that haven't happened is so disabling. If you can't let go of your worry, then a counselor should help you sort through your feelings and give you some strategies for letting go.

Since you divorced your husband and moved far away, people should know that your sense of loss is going to be different from someone whose loving husband just died. To the expressions of grief you can respond with anodyne statements. "It was a shocking loss." "I know how much you miss your son/friend/brother."  With your former mother-in-law you have a difficult balancing act. You want her in her grandchildren's lives, but you cannot grieve with her.  Try saying something like, "Of course I understand you're in agony. But discussing Brandon is just too painful for me, so I'm sorry I can't do it." Despite your relief at your ex's death, I think you should tread carefully with the children because they will have raw and complicated feelings to sort through.  You can listen attentively to them and let them know it's okay to express these complicated feelings without saying that you, too, are glad he's dead.  You can acknowledge that their father had good some qualities that sadly were often overwhelmed by his bad ones, and that he did cause all of you a lot of pain. You can explain that in  such circumstances you understand that among their many feelings is a sense of relief.

Ah, thanks for clarifying my misreading.  Yes, this complicates things, but I will then reiterate my initial advice. For herself and her children, she simply should not put on false theatrics about being the devastated widow. She can acknowledge the grief of the other person and say it's too painful for her to have conversations about her ex. She should limit things with her mother-in-law.  She was planning to move, which she should probably put on hold at least temporarily because her kids are going through enough disruption. But eventually she may decide starting over somewhere else is still a good idea.

Get a lawyer.  You're right you mother apparently pointedly did not provide for Bob, but an attorney can advise you of the legal implications of your mother allowing him to be a tenant in her home.  Since you have no personal or emotional ties to Bob,  have your lawyer communicate with his family about the nature of the law.