Live Q&As

My boyfriend and I have been dating for just over two years. I contracted genital herpes when I was about 20 years old. I am now in my early 40s. I'm divorced, having been with my ex-husband for almost 20 years. He never caught the STD. None of my previous partners, to my knowledge, have contracted herpes. My current boyfriend is a virgin. This is the longest relationship he has ever been in. He had never had sex of any kind before me. I perform oral sex on him, but due to my STD, he will not reciprocate. Intercourse is out of the question. While he has gotten better about touching me, he does still thoroughly scrub his hands afterwards. It makes me feel like he should be wearing a hazmat suit before coming near me. We have talked about this. While I feel his fear is irrational (I have not had an outbreak since I was in my early 20's) he feels it's founded. I've offered to go on suppression therapy, and of course use condoms, but to no avail. Am I to be celibate for the rest of my life if we remain together? Prudie, I need some help in finding a new way to discuss this with him. He is a great guy, kind, sweet, loving in every other way. 

My husband and I married a few years ago after just months of knowing each other. I have never once doubted our decision to marry, and on the whole, we are exceptionally happy. He is my perfect partner and an ideal father for our daughter - but of course, there's a "but." During our very brief courtship, there is one habit he intentionally hid from me - online gaming. Apparently, he didn't want me to think him nerdy. When he first disclosed this after the honeymoon, I thought it was funny and cute. A couple years later, I'm bitter - we have routine marital disagreements, but this is the only issue we ever fight about. He spends several hours a week (10-20) playing these online games! Every time we fight about it, he'll cut back or promise to stop... but within a week or two, it's back to at least a couple hours every day. This is a man who has quit smoking and quit his pseudo-addiction to energy drinks, but can't (or won't) quit online gaming. I can't imagine life without him, but this is making me miserable. I'm not willing to leave him over it; how can I get him to stop or change my own attitude to accept it? (For clarification, I have no suspicions of any online infidelity - it just bothers me that he spends his leisure time gaming instead of reading a book, watching TV with me, etc.)

I have recently achieved a life-long goal. My first book will be published sometime this year. The problem is that I feel alone in my success. My husband, my friends, and my parents are happy and have been supportive, but the rest of my family has ignored it to the point of rudeness. I don't expect them to jump up and down and have a party, but a simple "congrats" would have been nice. My extended family has meant everything to me and I have done all I can to keep in touch and be supportive of all they do. I'm often quiet about my successes in my life, but this is the one thing I chose to share. I feel terrible and lost. This really hurts. Looking back, sadly, this seems to be the norm. Should I let them know how much they have hurt me or is this one I should just let go?

Dear Prudence, Please help! I'm 17 weeks pregnant and my brother-in-law, "Sam." has "temporarily" lived with my husband and I for the past year. He moved in when he lost a lucrative job and needed to become financially stable, and we had an understanding it would be for a few months until he could afford a security deposit. Now flash forward a year and nothing is happening. He doesn't make a whole lot, but Sam could definitely afford a small place of his own. Instead he likes to spend money on bar tabs, a new car loan, and going out with his friends. Sam still lives like a bachelor, staying up at all hours of the night and playing music or video games very loudly. My husband agrees his brother has overstayed his welcome and it's time he go, but every time we try to bring this up, Sam throws a fit or claims he has no money and then refuses to talk about it. Each time, the conversation gets put off for a few more weeks. I'm at my wits end, my husband hasn't been able to make any headway, and I am about ready to move out on my own until Sam is gone. What can we do to try to remedy this situation?

My mom is over 60 and, for the last few years, has had her health greatly decline. She refuses to quit smoking, lose weight, and follow other doctor's orders. My brother and I have talked to her about our worries but she brushes us off. Now I think something is seriously wrong with her and she's hiding it from my family. She keeps having dizzy spells, hides pills in her purse, and goes on "errands" (which involve most of the day and have her return home exhausted and drawn). I've tried asking around but she becomes furious and refuses to talk with me for days. She tells me to keep my nose out of her business. I'm so worried about her and I want to help (or at least know). How do I even broach this with her without ensuing a fight?

My husband did this early in our relationship as well. I took a different tactic... I joined him. That way we spent time together and I learned something new about myself as well. Sometimes it takes giving a little to get a little.

I will be spending Easter with my best friend's family like I do every year. And as much as I love my friend, I can't stand her mother. She's the most completely superficial person I've ever met in my entire life. My friend has been in therapy for years because of the damage inflicted on her by her mother. My friend has dealt with bulimia because starting at age 7, her mother told her she was fat. Which based on pictures, she wasn't. I watch my friend struggle with this all the time and her mother is still inflicting damage. I'm usually good at keeping quiet, but after a particularly brutal phone call, my friend wound up crying on my couch for 3 hours recently. I know it's probably not my place, but is there anything I can do to lessen whatever blows will be inflicted on my friend while not ruing the holiday for everyone?

Dear Prudie, I am a high school teacher and my husband is employed as an engineer. We have three children, one in high school and two in middle school. Every summer, the exact same thing happens: their sports teams, extended family, friends, and sometimes, even my husband assume I have unlimited time. While it is certainly true I do not have classroom hours in the summer, I still work 10-15 hours a week tweaking lesson plans, researching different ways to teach concepts, and reviewing what worked and what didn't from the previous year. Whenever I try to say that, people inevitably respond with "must be nice to only work 15 hours a week! Now can you pick up Kid A/drive us to the doctor/plan a baby shower?" My husband is pretty good most of the time, but sometimes he can get a little demanding about meals and how clean our house is in the summer.  It is my siblings and friends who often think I can run any errand, host any party, or help at any time simply because I am a teacher. Sometimes I tell them that they, too, can get summers off if they are willing to be a teacher, but they would have to give up their much, much larger salary. However, this is a sort of hostile response and I would rather keep this conversation more civil. How do I set boundaries for my summer schedule?

Years ago, I dated an amazing girl, Allie*. We dated for seven ears (through mid-high school to young adult), and we were engaged to get married. A few months before our wedding, I cheated on her with a co-worker. I came clean to my then fiancee, after feeling very heavy guilt. Despite the long relationship and great friendship, we agreed to call the wedding off and go our separate ways. During the relationship, her father and I were very close friends -- we golfed together and I really admired and respected him. He's the kind of father and man I hope to someday become. Naturally, he was very angry and distraught after my infidelity unfolded. I haven't seen or spoken to him since, and have only heard stories. Fast forward several years, I'm now married to an incredible woman who is the polar opposite of Allie, and we have a beautiful two-year-old daughter. I'm completely faithful and committed to my wife and daughter, yet I still feel great remorse and guilt over the way things ended with Allie and how I disrespected her and her family, especially the relationship I had with her father. I repeatedly have a dream and feeling that I should go apologize to her father face to face, as I know he wouldn't read a letter if I sent it. Do I go and apologize and attempt to make amends? Or just let it be? Signed, Guilt-ridden-Ex

Dear Prudence, I have been going to the same general practitioner Doctor for quite awhile. He is kind and attentive. He has a great staff and his office is very close to home. Overall, I'm very happy with his treatment. However a couple of years ago he started greeting me with a hug. Not a bear hug, just a lean-in-pat-on-the-back type. This does not normally bother me, but he's my doctor and I want to keep a professional doctor-patient relationship. He is also seeing sick people all day and I'm a little creeped out at the germ-factor. I have tried pre-empting the hug by saying, "I'm not a hugger," or extending out my hand for a hand shake, but he just ignores it and goes in for the hug. I was recently in the office with my husband who had been injured, and he didn't hug or shake my husband's hand, but hugged me. He hugs whether I am sick or well, and he comes in for the hug at the beginning and the end of the appointment. I dont want to change doctors, but what can I say to him to make him stop without offending him? Signed, Let's Shake On It

I recently started dating a guy who is absolutely great. Early on, I invited him to hang out with me and my friends, just to see if they'd hit it off, and they did -- fabulously -- which I took to be a good sign. I've started hanging out with his friends more over the past month, and I've noticed something that really bothers me: Whenever he interacts with female friends, he touches them a lot. And I don't just mean pats on the back or shoulders; I mean he touches their leg, rubs their back (even the small of their back!), puts his hand on their waist, etc. This is sometimes in addition to jokey flirtation and innuendo (initiated by both parties). I'm affectionate with partners, but I'm characteristically unflirtatious with friends, so maybe I just don't get it, but it seems over the top to me.  He told me that one of his acquaintances propositioned him recently -- clearly she didn't think the touching meant nothing! I completely trust him, and I don't think he would ever cheat on me, but I'm a jealous person by nature, and can't just shut that off -- so I'm worried that he's touchy-feely by nature, and that likewise, his behavior is never really going to change. Should I bother addressing this with him? 

Hi Prudie,  A couple years ago, my sister was driving home drunk, and unbeknownst to her at the time, her boyfriend was in the back of her truck (covered by a topper), himself passed out. The awful thing is, she lost control of the vehicle, rolled it and he was killed. Needless to say, this was just a tremendous loss for everyone involved, she loved him dearly. I can't imagine his family's feelings - and we lost my brother in a car accident four years prior, I think part of the reason my sister gets drunk. My sister went to trial, was found not guilty but did get some minimum jail time and a DUI. I thought she was really facing her drinking problem, going to a therapist and AA on her own. Now I have learned from family members that not only is she drinking again, she is drinking and driving. I am furious, and I have been angry about this whole accident since it happened. I have talked with therapists and gone to Al-Anon myself, I am accepting that I just may feel judgmental towards her, well, forever. However, now what? I can tell her how concerned, angry, etc. I am that she is again drinking and drinking and driving - but what good does it do? I live far away from her, so a family intervention isn't possible.

I, too, am married to a gamer. And I'm completely happy with it, because it gives him an outlet to unwind after a stressful day. He'll often play games while I watch a TV show in the same room. That way, we're still around each other, but we both get to do our own thing (how much interacting would you do while watching TV anyways)? This really is no different than reading a book--you get lost in an imaginary world there, too.

Dear Prudence, I have been given the unfortunate gift of an awkward body shape. I have fairly thin legs, normal sized thighs, tiny breasts, and a huge gut. I am often asked if I am pregnant. I have been asked this question by colleagues, clients, professors, and even random people while shopping. There are many times where I've wanted to give an inappropriate response to the query, however I don't have the heart to offend people in such a manner. I have normally taken the road to sharing with these questioning folks that I am not pregnant, but just packing on a few extra pounds. I am curious to know if there is a better way to handle such issues, as I know I'm not the only portly lady to deal with such rudeness. Signed, Not Pregnant

My boyfriend and I live a major distance away from most of my family. We do not have much money to spare, so my parents pay for me to come visit a few times a year. We are now at the point in our relationship where it feels wrong to spend holidays apart. On the one hand, pooling our own resources, we could probably only afford to visit once every two to three years. On the other hand, it also wouldn't be appropriate to ask my parents to pay for my boyfriend to come with me. Complicating the matter is the fact that my parents hate my boyfriend, who they blame for the fact that I live so far away, but they are extremely passive-aggressive about it. What is the right way to handle the situation?

During my freshman year of college, I found cell phone evidence that my Dad was cheating on my Mom. After blaming me, my sister,and my mother for "forcing him to do it," a move to a new city, and several months of couples therapy, my parents seemed to move past their problems. For me, the whole experience was really eye-opening -- for the first time I noticed my father's emotionally abusive tendencies, and the horrible relationships the women in my extended family have with men. And three years later, here we are again. I have once again found digital evidence of an affair, and I'm not sure what to do. Should I tell my mother? Part of me thinks that she might know on some level but wants to turn a blind eye. Another part of me thinks that I should confront my Dad and see what happens-- maybe he will tell my mom and I can extract myself from this situation. I love my mother and I want to do what is ultimately best for her. Any advice?

I have a medical condition that sometimes leaves me "looking pregnant" and I know how annoying the questions and comments are! My favorite response comes from a friend who, when asked when she was due, calmly replied, "Eleven months."

Thanks for the answer, Prudie. My expectations about my book are low. I'm not quitting my day job by any means. I'm not sitting around having a temper tantrum about this one small thing, though I realize it sounds that way. When I've made mistakes, they have all been vocal about it. Things that happened ten years ago still pop up. Yet, the positive is ignored. I guess I have a lot to think about in regards to my family and why I so badly need their approval.

Hi Prudie! For two years, my daughter dated a guy we didn't like for various reasons, including the fact he was unemployed, lost his license, and seemed kind of shady . After a tumultuous final year, they broke up but daughter wouldn't share why, given that we weren't his biggest fans. I found out months later he was addicted to heroin. He apparently has been through rehab and is better now. She has no plans to get back with him, but I feel like I let her down because she didn't share her burden with me at the time. I get it, because she felt we already didn't like him.   The issue now is that she still resents us for not accepting him. I have tried to diplomatically point out that there aren't many parents who would support their relationship, especially given that his issues were so large and overshadowing. She feels we should have trusted her to do the right thing (as she eventually did by breaking it off) and hasn't dated anyone since.  Her resentment towards us on the issue flares up often. Can you think of an approach to the issue I can take to get her to see why we were so unsupportive of their relationship and that it was out of love?

Next month will be my third wedding, but the only one that my parents have been able to come to. My dad has never walked me down the aisle, so I really want him there. My mother and I have always had a horrible relationship. She criticizes everyone and everything. She refuses to come to my wedding and will not let my dad come either. I'm afraid she will tell the rest of my family - aunts and uncles not to come. She has been using the excuse that I've been ignoring them and my fiance's son is gay and they don't want be a part of the 'gay family'. My parents are in their 80s and I'm almost 45. She doesn't call my boys for their birthdays or send cards anymore. I don't know what to do.

Dear Prudence, I was sexually abused by my stepfather from the time I was in Kindergarten until I was in 7th grade, at which point I told my mother about abuse and my stepfather committed suicide. During that time, my mother became pregnant with my younger sister. I'm twenty-four now, married to a wonderful man and, for the most part, have healed from the abuse. However, there are certain triggers that take me back and cause me pain. My sister is now eighteen. Two years ago my mother told her that my stepfather had sexually abused me as a child. She felt horrible that it had happened but obviously doesn't know the extent. A while back posted a picture of us and her father on Facebook and tagged me in it. I untagged myself. My brother told her that it hurts me to see those pictures and so she hadn't done it in a while. Recently however, she posted another picture of her as a baby with her father. I would like to come up with a tactful way to ask her to cease posting these photos, or to at least block me from being able to see them. Do you have any advice on what I can say to get her to stop?

I think you skipped over the LW's real concern, which is that her mother is seeing a doctor and is being treated for something serious, but that her mother won't discuss it.

Dear Prudence, I'm a woman who sings in a large, independent choir (not affiliated with any house of worship) that is conducted by a very talented professional, married, conductor. Like many people in the music profession, he is rather touchy-feely, hugging people (both men and women). The first time he hugged me, I didn't want to make a public fuss, but afterwards I told him privately that I don't hug married men (I'm single; I'm also aware that he has a reputation of being a ladies' man). He seemed to understand, but more recently he has done things during breaks in rehearsal that cross my personal boundary line, such as rubbing my back and stroking my face when he talks to me. I've been trying to avoid being anywhere near him and haven't wanted to discuss this with him because I realize (a) his touching just might possibly not be intended sexually (and might be more of a power thing), and (b) his wife, who is also in the choir, watches him like a hawk. I don't want to quit the choir, so should I just put up and shut up? My resentment is building, and I don't want to blow up.

We had him over to the house a couple of times but he wasn't really totally welcome. I always thought he was a good person, but my husband really couldn't stand the relationship. I'm the peace maker so tried to keep the door open. I would love to go to counseling on this issue but the other two (husband and daughter who are very similar in outlook) are very stubborn and won't go. I guess maybe time is the best mender for this one and I look forward to the day when she finds a great guy and we can all look back on this as just a rough patch on the way to a good relationship.