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Despite continuing weekly evidence to the contrary, I will continue to believe that the vast majority of men who think they are the biological fathers of their children really did  provide the sperm.  If you get impregnated by a lover of another race, what you say to your children about this is something that needed to be discussed openly with your husband, preferably before the baby was born. Making the utterly obvious verboten is not a good strategy for anyone. I think what you need for your immediate family is a dose of the truth. But, for your children, it needs to be age appropriate.  Since your your daughter was born a few years ago,  your son is old enough to know the basics of reproduction. He needs to be told that his sister has the same mother, but a different biological father. However, what's really important is that both he and his sister are being raised by the same daddy.  You can tell him families are made all sorts of ways, and yours is just a little bit special.  If your son -- and eventually your daughter -- want to know why this is the case, it's fair to tell them that it's a complicated story, and they will probably understand it more when they're older. Say they can talk about this subject any time, but if they can wait, you and you and their dad can fill in more details as they grow up. For outsiders, you don't need to explain anything. You can just say you are blessed with two beautiful children. And your husband needs to tell his mother to stop telling the kids something that's simply wrong.

Dying people deserve a lot of leeway. But dying people who want to bankrupt their families and leave their children destitute in pursuit of a useless fantasy need a dose of reality. Your friend understands she will not be able to raise her children. So to raid their college funds and her partner's savings account, for the chimera of the perfect wedding is grotesque. Stop hinting and speak up. Tell her you totally support her desire to get married, but you -- and everyone else -- are very concerned about leaving her offspring financially ruined  in order to have a lavish wedding. Say that a small, meaningful ceremony will be a much more significant memory for the children. Explain if she puts all the money into this extravaganza in future years her children will look back on it bitterly.  Have a private talk with her fiance. He probably feels he has to please his dying partner, but explain to him that all of you need to put a brake on this fantasy wedding. If she won't back down, I think you should and say you love her and want to support her, but you're withdrawing as maid of honor because you can't be party to something that will be so harmful to her children.

Aside from complaining, when both of you are feeling well,  calmly have a talk in which you point out that on the occasions when you are sick, he inevitably ends up with a bunch of symptoms which make it impossible for him to provide you with even modest care -- the kind you provide him when he is actually down with something. But this is a lifetime, deeply ingrained habit that may be hard to break. So  just deal with it on a symptom by symptom basis.  If you have a migraine and he's "limping" tell him you're sorry his leg is painful, but since you can't even get out of bed, could he manage to bring you a cup of tea. If you're in bed with a stomach virus and his heart starts skipping beats say if he's concerned he's having a heart attack, he should get himself to the emergency room. Explain that because you're throwing up, you're unable to accompany him. Ignore the moaning and groaning. If the kids are worried, tell them that both of you are a little under the weather, but it's nothing serious.  Let's hope the kids simply come to see that Dad gets rather melodramatic, not that his method seems like a great way to get attention.

I can't imagine marrying someone without taking this kind of test drive, so good for you. You and your fiance are both adults and your sex life is not your parents' business. Since in your parents' minds you're on track to have the cherry popped later this year, there doesn't seem to be any reason to go popping their bubble.  But you also need to end this silly conversation.  The next time they bring up your virginity just tell them you have become uncomfortable with the frequent references to your sexuality and you want to put this subject  off limits.

You could give her a DVD of "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" and tell her this caught your eye because the Bette Davis character reminds you of her.  Your mother's situation may be a combo of fear of aging, diminishing eyesight, and soothing but inadequate bathroom lighting.  Forget the fact that she's extremely sensitive and just speak to her as an adult. "Mom, you look great, but I've noticed your make up detracts from your looks. It's way too dark and heavy and it's actually adding years. Let's  go together and get you a make- over, my treat."  If she has a fit or a breakdown over this, just accept your mother's look of choice is Bride of Frankenstein.

You need help from professionals. Please go to your guidance counselor immediately and tell her or him what you've told me. The counselor will be required to report this to the authorities who will investigate your father.  If you were sexually abused by your father for five years, this isn't a matter of whether your mother "choses" him, he should be prosecuted and jailed. I hope you have some close relatives you can confide in who will support you through this ordeal. 

It is embarrassing when everyone seems to have gotten the "gifts will be exchanged" message but you.  You can  just accept this was an accidental faux pas, write them each a thank you and say how wonderful it was to catch up. Or you can send a thank you and wishes for a sweet new year along with a small gift, something like a  bottle of lovely hand lotion.

Go now to the head of student affairs and report this situation. This guy is violating so many laws (taking drugs on campus, threatening violence) that the people in charge need to do an assessment and take some action.  And the next time he contacts you explain you want all communication with him ended now. If nothing happens and "Ted" continues unabated, your  next call should be to the police to report being stalked.

I'm so sorry for your losses. You two sound remarkably  strong and I admire you for understanding that other people's lives go on, despite your sorrow.  However, even in the absence of your tragedy, this sister-in-law's behavior is extremely distasteful.  "Gender reveal cake" "Ultrasound party" "THREE showers"? It would be one thing if the sister-in-law and her husband had offered tickets to the baby-making event. But trying to force your loved ones into a 9 month-long gestational celebration is insane, and cruel given your circumstances.  It is not miserly to put an end to this insanity.  Block the sister-in-law's Facebook feed and her email if necessary. Decline the invitations. ("I'm so sorry. I won't be able to make it" Period.) And maybe you could have a family ambassador explain that a grieving parent is just not up for the kind of celebrations she's holding -- maybe the ambassador can explain that actually no one is.

This is the kind of thing you can talk about with your OB or your pediatrician if you've already got one lined up (which you should). Get a ruling that newborns should not be kissed, especially on the lips. Their immune systems are not up to speed and they need to be protected from all these awful winter viruses.  It's also a good idea to keep your baby from getting a herpes infection.  You can even ask for some written material on this you can hand out if you feel you'll be intimitated in speaking out to your in-laws about their keeping their lips buttoned.

Thank you, good idea. Yes, this girl needs some wise support.

You could tell them about my father. He didn't believe in seatbelts either. Then an old lady ran a stop sign into his car and his head went into the windshield. It causes a stroke which lead to a long, sad decline. However, people who don't want to wear seatbelts seem for whatever reason beyond the help of rational argument.  What you can do is absolutely refuse to get in the car with them unless they're buckled up.  Beyond that you have to accept that some people for some reason have a self-destructive streak and in their case there doesn't seem to be anything you can do.

Ah, the lighted magnifying mirror. I have one and it's a daily adventure in identifying new and alarming topography.

Whether you speak to your neighbors directly or just call animal control depends on your relationship with these people.  If you have even a nodding acquaintance, you could try going over and saying your sure they love their adorable dog, but you're concerned about him being outside in cold weather all day, and being crated while inside the house. But people who think that's how you treat a dog are unlikely to respond to sweet reason.  Your local animal control should do something about this situation because it's abusive.  But as many frustrated readers have pointed out, often nothing is done unless the abuse is egregious.

You should have just gone ahead and announced that the family was going to be getting cousins. I can't stand this idea that people own certain life milestones and everyone else should back off. You're pregnant so just tell everyone the great news. Let's hope that if your brother and sister-in-law are old enough to be parents, they are old enough not to bristle at the fact that they won't be having the first grandchild.

As long as both you and the masseuse remain professional, it's just an unremunerated extra that he is so able to rub you the right way. That you feel something internally that's more than simple relief from lower back pain is your own business.  What goes on in your head -- or the tingles that run up and down your spine -- do not have to be disclosed to your beloved. No marriage would survive if every spouse reported on the pleasure they get from gazing at good-looking strangers, or from mild office banter.  So for your next massage ask for the guy with the strong, slow hands and leave a good tip.

Thank you for this. Even though I've heard this story many times, I remained shocked at how families can close ranks around the perpetrator.  It's shameful.

It's true your  relationship with a newly discovered biological mother is different from the others in your life. But as you point out, you are grateful to have been raised by your adoptive mother, who you consider your real mother.   Adrian sounds like a very unhappy person who makes lots of bad choices. If it weren't for your biological connection you surely would have little to do with her. You can be gentle, but you have to do what's right for you and so you simply need to stop seeing her so much. Be polite, but recognize you simply can't take on the burden of her emotional instability. One good choice she did make was placing you in a loving family. You can be grateful to her for that, but you do not owe Adrian a big place in your life.

 Thanks for pointing this out. "Massage therapist" has the additional benefit of being gender neutral.