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Even if one's family is composed of the rudest, crudest racists and misogynists, it can be a big leap to ask someone to write off them off.  Fortunately, your boyfriend ended up being nothing like these people. He's embarrassed by them. But he also feels some instinctive sense of loyalty to the people who raised him, and whom he knows in a more complicated way than you possibly could. I can understand your wanting him to denounce these idiots wholesale, but you should be able see how that might have felt presumptuous to him.  You say he's your boyfriend, not yet your fiance. So it seems premature to start dictating that you want to limit the exposure of your non-existent children to them.  You have made your understandable shock clear, so now you should back off. Let him spend some time considering what it must have been like to see his loved ones through your eyes. That will be more powerful that your trying to get him to  sever ties with the only family he has.

All the things you say are true, and I'm Jewish, so  a big believer in circumcision.  I'm also wondering what the "physical pain in adolescence" caused by circumcision was. I'm guessing it had something to do with beating his member raw, which would surely have happened even if he'd had a foreskin. However, billions of men have not been circumcised and are fine. And plenty of circumcised men have the STDs you list.  What's concerning is that your boyfriend asserts there's a conspiracy to snip. Surely he doesn't really think doctors are buying that vacation home on the proceeds of removing foreskins. This is one of those issues on which there's no compromise, so one of you has to bend. If you feel this impasse exposes part of his character that you find disturbing, then it's possible you need to reconsider marrying him. But maybe this is just one of those quirks married people have to accept in each other. I think you should suggest talking this over with a neutral party.  It would be a shame to let such a little thing ruin a future that could be wonderful.

As I understand it, you don't want him wearing his plain old Santa suit because when you see it it says to you, "It's sexy time!" However, that connection will not be made by any of the people dropping quarters into his can.  This erotic clause you cite for wanting him to spend money for a new Mr. Claus suit is ridiculous. Be nice and drop your objection.

To use the old frog in boiling water analogy, sometimes the person in a dangerous situation will no longer recoginze it because the abuse escalates gradually. Your friend is living with a violent man who is increasingly out of control. Why she loves this creep is for her to figure out, preferably with the help of a therapist, but she has to recognize the situation for what it is. I think you should take her out (let's hope her husband allows it) and lay out how concerned you are for her and her kids.  You can tell her you understand that her ex would freak out to find out what's going on in the home, but that is a good indication of why he should know. He surely would want to protect his kids. Tell her you're worried she's so deep into this bad scene that she's incapable of telling the ex, so you're going to. And tell her to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline to help her get a start in getting out: 800-799-SAFE.

What a tragic situation and  of course your friend is terrified to stay and more terrified of what would happen if she left. However, this girl is in imminent danger. Her grandmother has committed crimes against her that should be prosecuted.  Please tell your parents, and together you should all go to the principal of the school right away to get started on getting this girl safe.

These people can be identified the smiles on their faces and the bags under their eyes. You own, they rent. So you're the one who's going to have to invest in the sound proofing. Get a consultant and find out what can be done on your end to muffle the joy. Once you do that, if you still can hear the blow by blow, you need to go over and have a conversation with them. You can say that unfortunately the walls between your homes aren't  thick enough, and that the sound between the bedrooms leaks through. You can say you've mitigated this as much as you can, but for their privacy, and your sleep, and if they could keep it down (per Bill Clinton, you don't have to specify what "it" is) you'd all be more comfortable.

This is the season of people behaving abominably. It's time you did some truth-telling to both sides. You have to let your boyfriend know that you've been struggling with your family's disapproval of him. Explain they dislike the age difference between you and his divorce. Tell them they have always been hyper-judgmental and you are having a very hard time dealing with their negative remarks about him. Then you tell your family that you have been in love with a fine man for two years who is a permanent part of your life.  If they want you to part of theirs, it's time they behaved with the true spirit of the season and welcomed him into their homes. If they refuse, then you should say you are going to have to start a new tradition of being with kind and loving people for the holidays. So you and your boyfriend will be celebrating Christmas together away from them.

Sure I see you could make the  argument that she should get out now if this is his family and he's not ready to call them out on what they are. However, few family relationships come with such an easy on-off switch.  He could be thinking, "Well I grew up with these people, and I'm nothing like them. I'm not ready to sever relations with them because of fear of exposing our not-yet-conceived children to their grandparents."  It's no defense of his family to say that he might have understandably started feeling defensive because she was asking him to see them only as an outsider would.  Now that he's introduced her to them, it's opened up a conversation between them. I don't think it's time for an ultimatum.

It's not cowardly to decide to stay out of your parents' marriage. It's too bad your father decided to spill. It would have been much better if he'd said you snooped into something private and he was not going to discuss this with you.  If what your father says is true and he and your mother no longer have sex -- -- and I bet you don't want to explore this assertion further -- then  your mother is not in any danger from an STD. If your parents are just happy companions and not lovers, your  mother may not want to know how your father deals with his sex drive.  Tell your father you're sorry you found out and that decisions about his marriage are for him to make.

Congratulations! I agree that it's possible these clues will lead to a round of questions along the lines of, "Do you have good news?" But since it's so early and you're not ready to tell, you can just say that your stomach's been unsettled lately, so you're taking it easy on the booze and raw food.  And when you feel ready to tell, you'll have some friends saying, "I knew it that night you ordered cooked sushi!"

Ah, love, that all purpose excuse for being treating like crap. You have to accept that some people can't be helped. What you can do is reflect reality back to her. When she starts going on about how much she misses him, you can say, "Sure, it's hard to end a marriage. But he's now living with the mother of his child, so things don't look too promising." Eventually tell her you just can't be a sounding board about Ben. Say he's treated her so terribly that it's too painful for you to hear her strategies for getting him back.

Thanks, it's a good idea for the friend to call the domestic abuse hotline, describe the situation, and get a read on what course to take.

Good point.  I hope this letter writer can get her parents involved in this -- this is too much for a teenager to handle alone. The parents could then call social services. I also think all of them should go to the principal immediately. It's important for people who know the abused girl to be alerted so that she is not simply descended on by strangers.

Tell me there's someone with in-laws who aren't horrible! What joy to be constantly on your "best behavior" around these judgmental, superior people. You need to tell your husband and your in-laws that because of Grandpa's illness he has started grabbing you.  Explain you understand it's a result of his losing his faculties, but you would appreciate if people could keep an eye on him so that he's kept away from you. Maybe your in-laws will get a lesson in thinking they have all the answers. 

Nope, all in-laws are crazy. Maybe this was a veiled invitation: "Hey, we expect not to hear you having sex in our house. And if we do hear you, we'll be forced to enter the room to check out what's going on." Unless you're dead broke, staying with these ridiculous people is not worth it. From now on, book a hotel for the entire stay.

I'm wondering if during your courtship with your girlfriend you've noticed you've been excluded from holiday gatherings. If so, and you're the boyfriend of the previous letter writer, I've got news for you: her parents can't stand you.  From what you've laid out here, it doesn't sound to me as if marrying this young woman sounds like such a good idea. You don't share religious views, which are important to her. Her family doesn't like you and you're intimidated by them. You're considerably older, you have kids, and most important, she doesn't like that you remain close to your ex, the mother of her children. That is a serious problem that will only escalate once you marry and especially if you have children together. It could be that you really enjoy having a much younger girlfriend. But maybe she's not actually ready to step up and take on the responsibility of helping you raise your children.  I know you weren't asking me for approval for her hand, but I'm not giving it, either.

Yes, you're entitled to have an adults-only party. So make it a "Holiday Cocktail" event at an time, say 7-9, that makes it clear children aren't welcome. Many parents will enjoy getting a babysitter and getting out. The ones that won't should send their regrets.

So a future mother-in-law actually likes the guy her daughter is going to marry and now everyone is piling on her for spoiling the secret.  Tell everyone to back off and tell your mother you're sorry she's getting so much blow-back. Look, I dislike the whole business of it being totally up to the man to decide when two people are getting married. I'm assuming  the proposal didn't come as a total shock and that you two had had conversations along the way that you wanted to spend your lives together.

I hope there are some not insane people on the PTA and that a group of you can get together and discuss this rationally with the principal.  If not, take this up with the superintendant.  Racism and anti-Semitism at an elementary school is not a free speech issue. It's something that has to be attended to before the principal allows this to become a school principle.