Live Q&As

I hope every school administrator sees your letter and contemplates the ramifications of what bullying can do.  Thank goodness we live in a time where this is taken seriously, but even so, vicious bullying still goes on and innocent kids are tormented.  But there is a big dose of hope in your letter.  You have recognized the horror of your actions, you make no excuse, you know you can't undo the harm you inflicted,  but you have reached out to apologize to your victims.  It is also moving to hear that most of them were able to forgive.  Then there is Gina -- my heart broke when I read of this girl's death by her own hand.  I don't think you should contact her mother.  This poor woman doesn't need to hear your voice,  stories of what you did, or have to grapple with the question of forgiving you.  But you need help moving on.  I think you should look for a counselor who specializes in trauma -- it will be an interesting exercise to try to heal someone who inflicted it and is now tormented by it.  I also think you could get involved in an organization that fights bullying. Think how powerful it would be for you to go to schools and talk about the harm you did,  the effects of your actions on others, and on yourself. You're right to be concerned with potential liability, so before you consider doing that, get the advice of an attorney.    Working to make the world better and safer for kids  is a gift you can give to your child and the people you hurt.

Oh, what a wedding night that will be. There's your sister who knows her way around a mattress and is used to experienced, sophisticated lovers. And there's her new husband trying to figure out what to do with the equipment.  I can understand that after a randy youth your sister is ready to settle down, but I think she's having an over-reaction if she thinks the way to go is to enter into a situation in which seeking  sexual pleasure is a sign of a previous assault.  This doesn't sound like a phase. Instead it seems that if your sister marries her fiance she will always be considered a marked and damaged woman.  Tell her the truth. Say you will always be there for her no matter what, but you are very concerned that the punitive judgment being rendered by her fiance, his family, and church is not a phase but the start of a long, unpleasant siege.

Seeing your "fiercely private" and "not the most rational" supervisor getting it on with her husband (thank goodness) on an amateur porn site is one of those things you can either find tititllating or repulsive. But after you see it, then down the memory hole it should go.  It may be that you are the only person who knows your boss who  ever stumbles on this grainy video. If you're not, then leave it up to the next person  in her life to alert her.  And you're right, an anonymous note would be cruel and leave her wondering every time she had a conversation about the weather whether the person was actually thinking, "I've seen you naked!"

If your father served in World War II he is indeed a very old man. I agree with you that people should cut the extremely aged some slack and accept they grew up with certain points of view that we now find repulsive. These viewpoints are dying with them, and it is worth it to see these people whole. However, what you describe is not a case in which your father sometimes makes an occasional, obnoxious, general comment about homosexuals. Instead he makes frequent, direct comments about one homosexual: his grandson. You don't say that your father is mentally addled, instead he uses his time with his grandson to insult and berate him.  I don't blame your son, or your wife, for saying, "Enough."  I hope they aren't telling you to turn your back on your father, but just making clear they no longer care to listen to his rants.  In some situations the compromise is just to understand everyone's point of view and not try to change them.  Continue to visit and honor your father. If he asks why he's not seeing your wife and son explain that his remarks about homosexuals became too frequent and painful and they didn't want to hear them anymore.

An apology is owed here: Alicia to you. It would have been nice when she sobered up if she said she appreciated your saving her from killing herself or someone else. Instead she's doubling down on her right to break the law and endanger the lives of everyone on the road. So when she comes, assuming she's not still on a bender, hand her the keys and say farewell.

I'm sorry you went through this ordeal and I totally understand your decision. Thank goodness you were able to make it. I just don't understand people who would impinge on this profoundly personal choice. I wonder how public you want to go.  You could be a powerful spokeswoman for reproductive rights  by contacting an organization and telling them you're willing to make your story public.  Whether or not you would consider that, in your personal life it is  up to you in any given situation whether to offer your story -- do not feel obligated. However, if the conversation turns to "real rape" (how unbelievable this is where the national political discussion has taken us) feel free to speak up.  You can say quietly and simply, "I was raped and was impregnanted as a result. My rapist is in jail and I decided not to continue the pregnancy. I just wanted you to know this is not an abstract debate, but it's about real people, unfortunately lots of them." 

Thanks for pointing out this is an alarming invasion and if the sister goes ahead she's signing up for a life of public shaming.

What you are describing is totally normal. Of course you love your daughter, and of course you are grieving for the more typical child you expected to have. Raising a child with disabilities presents challenges and it doesn't do any good to simply put a smiley face on what's ahead.  It's too bad your support group has not been supportive. It could be that these days most  people who have children with down's Syndrome knew beforehand,  and so you are encountering people who come at this from a different perspective. Perhaps in the on-line community you can find more like-minded people who are struggling with this discovery and with whom you can have a more honest conversation.  I am concerned that three months post-partum you are feeling significantly depressed. Please go back to your ob right away and describe your symptoms. Whatever the origin, post-partum depression is serious and fortunately treatable.  Do not beat yourself up -- you sound like a wonderful, self-aware mother. And be assured you are not alone.

Excellent points, thanks for making them. Yes, the father here seems a little too enamored of hanging a halo over his own father's head. You can honor your father's service, appreciate that he was a great dad, and still be infuriated that he would demean your own son.  If the letter writer feels there's nothing to be accomplished by standing up to the old, old man, okay. But it's a bit much that he expects his son to go over and get bashed.

Even if his former mother-in-law was his actual mother, I would object to the place she has in his life. People should not go broke to support their parents; they should not ruin romantic weekends with their spouses to accomodate their parents (except for an emergency); and unless both spouses are in favor, they should not move their elderly parents in with them. The problem here is not convincing your husband this woman isn't really his mother, it's that he's undermining his marriage by placing her needs above yours.  I try not to end every letter with a call for therapy, but here goes. Stop having the horrendous fights and get the two of you to a neutral party to help you negotiate how your husband can feel he is honoring this woman while respecting your limits.

That you're getting your tubes tied is not something you need to share with anyone.  If you don't want to discuss this, don't bring it up.  But I urge you to choose some less permanent form of birth control. Yes, I know there are many happy child-free people who knew at an early age they never wanted kids and never changed their minds. There are also many people who in their twenties who were convinced they never wanted kids who in their thirties are thrilled to be parents.  It's really hard to imagine at age 26 that life could throw so many twists and turns your way that things you were once certain about are now no longer true.  I understand you may find my remarks presumptuous and offensive, but keep in mind you sought out my opinion.

Thank you. That's why the chat is so wonderful -- people who have just the right answer can weigh in.

Yes. If people are financially dependent on others, then their benefactors have a say in what happens to the money. You are seeing why these people are entering old age with nothing.  I think your husband should contact the local social service agencies that deal with the elderly and see if any offer  financial consulting services that are free or low cost. Your   in-laws need to be on a budget. Then it's up to you and your husband to explain to them that everyone is struggling and that you two need to start saving now for your own retirement.  You can say it's one thing to help with groceries, it's another to realize your money is being diverted into a wide-screen TV.  Inform them that unless they can live within their means, you two are not going to enable their living outside  it.

More good advice, thanks, especially about seeing what government services are available to help this family.

He's the owner, there's no HR, he likes to gawk.  I think you've got yourself a perfect storm here of having to put up with occasional unpleasantness.  Fortunately he's not around often and he keeps his hands to himself. I am not defending this disgusting old coot, but I don't see a way to make this stop except leaving the company.  When you interact with him be cordial and professional. If he asks questions that lead to conversations about your body cut them off. Boss: "Hey, do you work out?" You: "No. But I do have a lot of work, so please excuse me." 

You sound like me, except I don't have a law degree and I waste my time with other stuff besides Pinterest and Facebook.  First of all, it's important to start your day with my column. After you accomplish that goal, you need to have systems built in that remove temptation.  I know there is software you can put in place that will keep you off-line so install some. That way you will only be able to work on your documents for a given period, until you're allowed a window of reward.  Instead of beating yourself up, I think mindfulness therapy is a useful way to go. It means you accept your flaws and try to handle them, instead of seeking to trying to extirpate them.  Maybe it would help to say, "I've got three great kids, I've built a practice I enjoy, and I like scrolling the web a little too much." Then when you have an urge to waste time, you say, "Yes, there I go again, I really want to check Facebook, and why not, it's fun.  But right now, I'm going to finish two more pages first." Maybe I'll even try taking my own advice!