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Have I got a movie for you! Spoiler alert, but next year be sure to take the entire family to a screening of "August: Osage County" based on the Pulitizer Prize winning play. Let's just say when the major plot twist is revealed, there should be enough squirming in the seats to loosen the bolts.  Often in cases where the man who thinks he's the father is not the father there is the potential for a genetic time bomb to go off if some future medical issue in the future reveals the questionable paternity. But in the case of brothers, it's far less likely that even a cheek swab -- in the rare event it should it ever come up -- would point to your fiance's perfidy. Of course this revelation is shocking and you are looking at the family you about to join in a new and deceitful light.  I'm generally in favor of the truth, but with caveats. In this case there's nothing to be gained by the truth blasting apart this family. And I hope you are only the third person to be let into the circle of this secret, and that you remain the final one.  As despicable as your fiance's behavior was, it does speak to his love for you and his desire to have an honest start that he told you.  You do not have to make any decisions now. You should be honest with your fiance and tell him that this is news that's going to take you a while to process. But please fight the "complex" feelings about your niece. Morally, legally and every other way she is the child of your future brother-in-law and sister-in-law and if you go ahead and marry your fiance you should be able to look on this girl with love and equanimity.

Go to the funeral and quietly accept people's condolences. You have lost one of the dearest people in the world to you,  and however mixed your feelings about his family's behavior you should be at his funeral to pay your respects and be comforted by those who loved him.  The immediate aftermath of the sudden death of a vibrant, young person is not the time to be making demands on the grief-stricken family, however misguided their actions.  I agree it's terrible that his family felt it necessary to make up a  lie in order to present a more acceptable face to the world. Fortunately, that world is changing and had David lived it's likely that over the course of his life his parents might have been able to accept a partner of David's. But that chance is gone and his parents are suffering the worst torment imaginable. Go to the funeral and hug and cry. If there are people insensitive enough to ask you for details of the "wedding" just shake your head and say you hope they understand it's something you can't bring yourself to talk about now.

One great pleasure of this column is that just when I think I've heard everything I realize, Oh no, I haven't. The cold-water-shower-reading-nest is a new one on me, and I've got goosebumps and pruney skin just thinking about it.  It's too bad your girlfriend didn't grow up in a house that only had bathtubs. Then she just would have soaked in a cold tub and while all her books may have gotten soggy the water bill wouldn't rival that of the Hoover Dam.  It's generally a good idea to indulge your loved one's harmless quirks. Also keep in mind that a lot of people have passionate hobbies: motorcycles, skiing, buying shoes -- that are  far more expensive than a weekly, private Niagra.  For now I suggest that when your girlfriend says she's feeling particularly dirty and it's time for a long shower,  you don't stay home steaming about the running water, but let off steam by going out for a long run.

Given the scope of our economic meltdown and the people at the top who were making millions selling fantasies, I think it's a shame that more families aren't dealing with your dilemma of what to do when the family's financial executive gets out of prison. You say your father-in-law did time for a white collar crime.  Sure prison changes people, but I doubt your father-in-law is flexing his prison tats and hanging out with his homies from Dead Man Inc.  You should tell your parents they need to back way off.  Your father-in-law paid his debt to society and he is absolutely no threat to your kids. Say what will be damaging is if they bring a groundless lawsuit that tears your family apart and ends up causing their own estrangement.

If this were a Tyler Perry movie you'd bring your fiance to meet racist granny and the shock would kill her on the spot. Both you and your fiance have compelling points of view, and this kind of situations is where a marriage is tested. You're both right,  there's no compromise postion, and one person has to give.   It can be a shocking thing for young people growing up to realize their lovable grandma or grandpa has a devasting flaw, be it racism or homophobia or whatever. While there will always be humans who mouth hateful things about members of other groups, the generation for whom these assumptions were the acceptable way to think is dying away. What could be better evidence of how things are changing than that the granddaughter of a racist is marrying a black man? I think you should tell your fiance that everything he says is right and true, and that if the world were a fair place meeting him would cause a transformation in one old person. But having known your grandmother your whole life you don't think so, and you don't want to make a long trip in order to see him treated terribly by a woman who doesn't have long to live. Tell him that you recognize your grandmother's flaws and you love her in the way you can love such a person. But that you're glad your children will grow up in a world that has far fewer grannies to deal with.

I'm sorry you took offense, but I won't retract my thought that I think it's a shame there aren't a lot more people paying their debt to the rest of us by wearing orange jumpsuits.

It's amazing that at this point in life the fire is still roaring and the heat is not just hot flashes.  Your dearest friends have a wild sex life and you've made clear you want to know nothing about it. Apparently they need a reminder. So be blunt: "Mildred I thought I made it clear that I don't want to hear about  what you and Sheldon do in your spare time. I'm glad you've found some people you're compatible with, but we don't want to drop by for a  surprise meeting of people with whom you drop your drawers."

I think that's worth exploring. Even if she tries to make up for her habit by donating to water charities, she herself is wasting a ton of water. The boyfriend can *gently* suggest she  explore ways to create the relaxing atmosphere she is seeking without draining the resevoir.

I hope your husband recognizes what a decent person he is married to and how indecent his attraction (however common such things are) to Melanie.  Good for you for being worried about the innocent children.   And shame on Melanie and your husband for potentially shattering another set of kids.  I think there's a compromise situation here in that if Melanie's kids are friendly with your kids there's no reason that they cannot continue to enjoy each other's company. It's you and your husband who are going to have nothing to do with Melanie. You don't have to go into details with this woman, but you can have a brief  conversation with her saying something like, "For obvious reasons our friendship is over and Jack will not be doing handyman duty for you any longer.  I don't want to hurt your kids more than necessary so they are still welcome in our home. You are not." 

You can say something like, "Because my sister is pregnant with your child I will not show this message to her now and upset her. If you ever send me anything like this again, I will show her." Let's hope after the birth Lisa starts being more vigilant with birth control so that she doesn't have a bunch of kids with a guy who's guanteed to make everyone's life miserable.

Don't just talk to Kimmy, be generous and go over there with the perfect costume sure to win all the prizes: Kimmy's very own burqa!  Of course you couldn't get the Dads to supervise apple-bobbing what with all the melon-bobbing provided by Kimmy.  Mom, lighten up. Kimmy and her costumes are the stuff of neighborhood legend. Even  though you don't want to compete with her, the more amused you are by the whole situation, the better  you will feel.

Next time he mentions something he's overheard say, "I'm sorry my voice must be carrying. I will keep it down because I don't want to bother you.  Excuse me, I have to get back to work." As for the lunch dates just say, "Sorry, I'm busy."  Stay cool and professional and keep your responses minimal. If he escalates, take your complaint to a supervisor.

You've been through a terrible trauma and it's something you should share with someone you love. Even though you've had therapy it sounds as if you've absorbed much of the shame that was heaped on you. Perhaps a new therapist can help free you more. Of course you want to put this behind you and not dwell on it, but a righteous indignation instead of fear should inform your feelings.  Before you tell your beloved, rehearse what you want to say -- you will not be convincing if you speak with an air of terror.  Remember you, not your ex, was the victim.  Say you want her to know about a terrible episode in your life because it's something important you experienced and because you wouldn't want her to hear a distorted version from someone else.  If you have some legal paperwork about your exoneration you can offer to show her, explaining  you know such cases can raise doubts in people's minds, and you don't want her to have any about you.

Good point and suggestion. Several people have suggested that Luke's message was meant for his wife and went awry. Let's hope so, because at best he sounds like a bad bet.

I think you should consider telling the police. Sure, it might not be a prosecutable offense any more, but sometimes there are open files on ultra creeps like your former uncle.  I continue to fail to understand how "family peace" leads people to turn a blind eye to sexual predators among them. Is saying, "Bill can you pass the gravy, please?" really more important than saying, "Bill, get your hands off her and the cops are on the way." Go ahead and tell your aunt, tell everyone. It could be that you shake out more stories the authorities might like to hear.

A good suggestion -- thanks.

I think I made clear the brother and sister-in-law who got it on are despicable. But I do not see the point in clarifying this by blowing up an entire family for no purpose. 

Agreed.  And as several readers pointed out, at least Kimmy is not dressing as part of the Honey Boo Boo clan.