Live Q&As

Oh, yeah, sweet, absent-minded Mr. Johnson is so busy making the world better that he often forgets to keep his johnson in his pants.  I have gotten so many letters about nutty people running around non-profits that I am developing a theory that this field attracts loons because under the guise of doing good, they get to behave badly. Normally when a man realizes he's forgotten to zip his pants, the humiliation makes him want to secure his fly with a padlock. But there's Mr. Johnson letting it all hang out day after day, seemingly oblivious. If this guy is really that out of it, I wonder if he has the  capacity to be running an organization. Alternately, he may be pretending to be a ding-dong because it's good cover for exposing his ding-dong.  Since this has happened more than once, I think it's gotten past the point where someone needs to quietly mention, "Dick, your zipper is down." It's fair for you to go to a supervisor and say you are too uncomfortable to have this conversation with Mr. Johnson yourself, but he needs to be told that the wardrobe malfunctions must come to an end.

Please get some counseling to help you both deal with this trauma and figure out what your next steps should be. RAINN and Stop It Now are two places you can start. How monstrous that not only did your step-father rape you, he used his power to estrange you from your family. I'm going to bet that depending on their sex and your late step-father's proclivities, it's likely you are not the only sibling  to have been abused by him.  But it's also true that families can create fortresses of lies, and since your step-father had already painted you as a delinquent, that might allow the others, especially your mother, to refuse to believe what happened. This is why you need some professional guidance. It might even be possible that a social worker could accompany you to a meeting with your family at which you explain the truth. He was able to bully and intimidate you into keeping his depraved secrets. But you have no obligation now to help others honor the memory of this criminal.

It sounds as if Cindy's goal is to turn her son into the next "Mr. Johnson."  Yes, it's a foolish sales person who won't let a desperate mother take her 4 year-old son into the bathroom. But in response the answer is not liquid vandalism.  Tell your daughter that as hilarious as the prank may have seemed, you're concerned about Cindy's lack of judgment and you're going to talk to the other mother about it. Then call Cindy and in as light a way as possible, tell her what your daughter told you.  Assuming she confirms, while making some excuse about urgency,  tell her you understand what a full bladder means, but you think her solution was unfortunate.  Unless her response makes you think she is globally unbalanced, then let it go.  Two 11 year-old girls mostly want to hang out with each other, not with each other's moms.

Leave Audrey alone. You're entitled to your beliefs, but it's ridiculous for you to get involved with a woman who in any way would have to defend her loving parents to you.  In matters like this minds are changed one person at a time, so it's most unfortunate that knowing the background of this great woman hasn't made you question your own bigoted assumptions.

What good timing! With Halloween coming up you can get your boyfriend a jumbo sized bag of lollipops and give them to him with a goodbye note that reads, "Lick this."  I accept that except for his propensity to leave a trail of slime across your face, he's Mr. Wonderful. But I'm afraid given the case you've made, I can only think of him as Mr. Tongue.  Consider where his fetish, or compulsion, or whatever it is, has driven you.  You are finding yourself wanting to commit assault, which I assume is out of character for you. You've only been with this guy for six months and so far your protests have resulted in the escalation of him treating you like a popsicle. I suppose you could mix cayenne pepper into your blush, which might give him pause next time he swoops in for a slurp. But I say that before you are tempted to cut off his tongue, just cut your losses.

What a chilling conclusion to your youthful decision. I think that both the prosecutors and Hannah should know about this horrible turn of events. First you should contact Hannah.  If it's possible, this is the kind of news that should be delivered  in person.  Yes, this will be a painful meeting, if she agrees to see you. If she doesn't want to talk to you, you must find some third party to get the news to her. You  want to give her a warning that you feel you should tell the authorities about what happened to her 7 years ago.  As painful as reliving the entire episode may be for Hannah, it could also be therapeutic for her to tell her story to people who finally believe her.

I'd love to know how he explains what jollies he got from this. 

I've got tears in my eyes. Thank you for this.

At least your niece isn't also giving a lecture on anthropology, like the American University professor recently in the news for breast-feeding in class. I am pro-lactation. I did it myself for a year, and yes, I occasionally had to breast feed (discreetly) in public places, and often  at my in-laws.  When I was at their house, I would almost always go to another room, or sit in a chair facing away from them.  They were in favor of breast-feeding, but there was no reason to shove it in their faces.  You're absolutely right that with a 1 year-old there is no compelling need for your niece to make everyone observers of this. When your niece arrives pull her aside and say while you support breast-feeding, you'd appreciate it that when she's feeding the baby she takes him into your bedroom for some privacy. Explain that the older family members are uncomfortable and it would be easier on them if she was the one to absent herself briefly. Then if in defiance she lets it all hang out, you can all go to another room.

Wow.

Friends like this give opposite-sex friendships a bad name.  Your spouse may be ineffectually rebuffing these moves in your presence, but it wouldn't make me too confident about what was going on when I wasn't around.  Your spouse is "willing" to tell the friend not to act as if they are a couple -- how thoughtful!  If the friend can't respect the boundaries of your marriage, then that opposite-sex person has already jettisoned this friendship. And if  your spouse doesn't see how insulting this is to you, your spouse is putting more than the friendship at stake.

Ah, another wonderful person except for the fact that she's not.  The baby is the innocent party here and does not come baring a mark of shame. Throw the shower and try not to cast  harsh judgments on the people who decline.

That's right, I think he's a bigot.  I spent a day in synagogue yesterday reading the Bible, and it casually makes reference to people having slaves and multiple wives. That doesn't mean we think that's fine today. 

How horrible that you were subjected to this abuse at a time of great loss.  It would be one thing if your former mother-in-law was so unhinged by her understandable grief that she mentally lost it. But that would mean that she came to her senses and apologized to you. Instead,  it sounds as if she is an impossible, if not malevolent person, everyone knows it, and no one wants to confront her. You mention in passing that she is still in touch with your children, so you have been generous enough not to ask them to cut off their relationship with her.  I hope you've explained to them why you can no longer have contact  with their grandmother and that they should ignore the toxic things she says about you.  You've  just entered a happy new phase of your life, so I don't see any reason why you need to let her poison seep in.  She can have her own relationship with your kids.  You shouldn't feel guilty about keeping her at arm's length.

Let's hope your niece doesn't file a "hostile family environment" suit.

Good point that someone who really doesn't want a shower shouldn't be forced into having one.  But however this new life got started, the baby shouldn't be treated differently from other children.

Your sister-in-law is badgering you to give her your possessions, so you don't have to worry about being the one who is rude.  If she brings it up again tell her the subject (and the clothing store) is closed.