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First, you need to call a locksmith and get your house re-keyed in case your brother-in-law, Norman Bates, has made a copy.  Then you need a new hidey hole for the key and you must get your husband to  agree not to tell his brother where it is.  What you describe -- the man at the window escalating to the man in the bathroom, is right out of the playbook of every slasher movie ever made.  I don't want to unduly alarm you, but frankly, I'm alarmed.  And if your husband isn't, then you are married to a dolt.  You cannot wait until you are actually crying out, "No, Norman, no!" Sit your husband down and say it's possible that since he's a man, he doesn't understand how utterly violated and vulnerable a woman would  feel by his brother's behavior. But he has to recognize that what is brother is doing is terrifying you. If he doesn't immediately tell his brother that he's been wildly out of line and should only be coming over if he has an invitation, then I'm sorry to say that you should pack and get yourself a living situation in which there is no one unexpectedly greeting you as you step out of the shower.

I appreciate this letter because I have so often heard from the people on the other side of the equation. That is, from women who have had affairs and have children fathered by men other than the person they're married to, men who have been held out as the  biological father.  Yours is the strongest possible argument for why keeping the secret is so potentially dangerous. How much better it would be for a  child to know from her earliest years about her origins so that a stranger bearing DNA doesn't unexpectedly show up and blow up her world. I think you should have another private conversation with the mother, and maybe even father (although I'll not it's not clear here whether he knows he's not the father) which you try to make as absolutely non-threatening as possible. Ask her, or them,  to try to understand this from your perspective -- you have a child who you want to know.  You can say that while you do have legal recourse to be part of her life, of course it would be best for everyone if your daughter was told the truth freely and you have not made any decision about pursuing legal action.  Then let her and her husband think about it.  If they refuse, then frankly, although I am generally in favor of the truth, I'm going to have to agree with your family and say that at least for now, you should back off. You know your arrival, particularly announced on legal letterhead is going to be traumatic for a child who is happy and probably doesn't want to get to know you.  Sometimes there are situations with no perfect resolution that inevitably cause pain, and this is one.

Forget other people and their "wrong ideas," you need to think about your husband's fashion choice and why it's bothering you.  There are endless bags he could carry -- from backpacks to briefcase-style -- that would serve the same purpose for him.  Surely he knows he is carrying a purse, and he wants to carry one, despite the glares.  So you two needs to have a frank talk about why.  If he sincerely says he was just looking for something roomy enough for all his stuff and this was on sale, you can say you know it says something about you and your perception of gender roles, but you wish he'd carry something more neutral and you'd be happy to shop for that with him.  If he says the purse makes him happy in a way no backpack could, then after 30 years he owes you a more thorough conversation about why.

I'm struck that to you Jen and Mark sound like a fairy tale because to me they sound like kind of a nightmare.  If my husband were finishing all my sentences I'd be saying a lot, "Do you mind if I complete my own though?" And if he was staring at my face all the time, I'd assume he was trying to signal me that I have spinach in my teeth.  You are young, but surely you recognize that Jen and Mark are outliers. Their behavior is what you see when people first fall in love, the kind of goofy madness depicted  in Shakespeare's romantic comedies.  Fortunately for people's ability to get their work done, and not to have their friends rolling their eyes at their mind-meld, this kind of singular focus tends to wear off. That doesn't mean people can't remain madly in love for years and decades. It doesn't mean a sexual connection has to wane.  But recognizing there are very few Jens and Marks does mean that you don't have to engage in your own insanity by dumping a wonderful man who makes you happy in order to search for some romance novel fantasy of a guy who will think of nothing but you. Surely if you found one after a while his behavior would prompt you to say, "Can you get a hobby that doesn't involve gazing at me?"

It hasn't become acceptable, techology has just made it easier to track people you used to know. Have a list of nearby hotels and motels and when you hear from people who you once sat next to for algebra, write back to them, "I hope you have fun while you're in town. I'm unable to put you up, but he's a list of good places for you to book a room."

Thanks for this update, which indicates the letter writer needs to clarify his legal understanding. Yes, we are missing crucial information as to whether this child is the result of an affair during the marriage and whether the husband even knows his paternity is in dispute.  If the wife was married, unless she and her husband were sexually estranged, there's a question as to whether the letter writer can even be sure he is the biological father.

How misguided these parents have been to deny the existence of their late child and to keep the truth from their daughter. I understand they must have been in agony at their loss, but pretending their child was never born was the wrong way to try to mitigate everyone's pain. You should go back to your sister and say that the questions her daughter is asking you are strongly indicative that she knows, or suspects, the truth.  That she had a twin is a discoverable fact, and it would so much better if this fact were told her by her parents than if she dug up the records herself. Then say given the age of your niece and the questions she is asking, you wanted to tell your sister that you no longer feel comfortable being part of this deceit and if the girl keeps pressing you, you are going to tell her the truth.

Good point, and double creep alert! This new wife needs to get some immediate clarity here and if what you suggest is what she finds, she needs to quickly get out.

It's really too bad your husband can't embrace life in all its messy mammalian abundance.  At least he is able to articulate his reason to you, and you know from experience that fortunately this is a self-limiting quirk on his part.  Another aspect of this is that once your baby starts on solid food at about six months, even if you continue breast feeding that will naturally tail off, so the lactation won't be so much in your husband's face.  I am not defending your husband or his behavior! But even if I suggested therapy, by the time you finished exploring all the issues raised you might be concluding the breast feeding anyway, and the return of your sex life would be seen as a therapeutic success. You and your husband can talk about this issue, which is great. So your husband should be able to hear  from you that while you understand his feelings, you have feelings, too, and not being a sexual person until you wean is frustrating for you.  Ask him to loosen up his hand-off policy -- kissing and cuddling should be pleasant for both of you and might lead to more intimacy. Try to have a sense of humor about this with each other -- you don't want this to lead to even greater distance just as you expanded your family.

If he's carrying a woman's purse because he has given himself permission to start using women's accessories, and possibly clothing, that is something a husband is obligated to discuss with his wife.  If he would be just as happy with a blue or green backpack as a purse, it is not too much to ask him to use one.

Being able to handle someone who wants your attention non-stop will be good training for motherhood. I usually suggest with in-law problems that the grown child of the offending parent take the lead in having the discussion. So first ask your husband to intervene. He can explain that you're very busy and just don't have time for daily chats. He can add that the two of you will call once a week to give her updates.  It could be, however, that your husband is thrilled that is time talking to his mother has been diminished since she found fresh meat.  People like your mother-in-law are vampires who will suck away your time, energy -- and hair! -- if you let them.  If you're husband won't do the dirty work, then you need to tell her you'll have a weekly conversation with her, but otherwise you don't have time to talk. Then ignore her calls and do not feel guilty about not picking up.  When you do talk, after 15 minutes tell her that's it's been delightful hearing from her, but you have to go. Then hang up.

Oh the tangled web we weave when with DNA we do deceive.  I agree with your wife that this boy is owed the truth, and you should finally spit it out, preferably in a phone conversation with him.  It will hurt him to know that every parent in his life has behaved abominably, but at least he can start dealing with it.  In order to emphasize that you think he is entitled to the truth about  his origins, offer to take a DNA test.  That at least will clarify for him who has let him down.

I think very few  would like to have a mother-in-law so friendly that the stress of spending all your time handling her is making you go bald. The compassionate way to handle people with no boundaries is to establish some. Then even if they don't like it, they can start to understand there are rules for how to behave and the rules apply to them, too.

You've let it go, and now they won't.  You should not have to be sent away because you're engaging in behavior that is totally normal.  It is so normal that parents should be more concerned if their teenage son doesn't start handling such urges himself.  I hope you have some relatives who  have not converted to this punitive religion who might be able to intervene on your behalf.  If not, I think you should go to your guidance counselor at school and explain that you are in danger of being kicked out of your home and you want to be able to continue at the school. It could be that you might be able to live with a generous friend's family until your parents develop more compassion for their own child.

Or the niece! Giving her this novel  would be quite a way to let her in on the past.  However, I recommend giving her the clearly articulated truth.

I wonder how your son intends to have nothing to do with this child.  Surely he understand he's going to have to at the very least financially support his boy.  I had a letter last week from a young woman who was the out of wedlock child. She   did have a relationship with her father,  but one which was dictated by his still-angry wife.  I reiterate, if  your husband has a child by another woman your decent choices are either to divorce your husband or lovingly (to the best of your abilities) accept the child.  Grandma, you need to have an honest conversation with your son and daughter-in-law and say that while you understand the pain the birth of this child has caused,  you are concerned about an innocent child who doesn't deserve to grow up estranged from half his family.  Say you intend to be a grandmother to this boy, but you understand if they wish that you don't inform then further about this relationship.