Conversations / Live Q&A

I suppose if you were an insecure woman you would insist that you husband work someplace where he had no contact with members of the opposite sex -- maybe you'd like him to be a miner stuck in a cave-in.  I also find it hard to believe that if you are so threatened by a female pastor that this is the first time your pathological jealousy has manifested itself. You know your husband's spiritual relationship with his minister is crucially important to him.  And you know that he belongs to a religion which considers the perspective of a woman equal to that of a man.  Your husband came home from Bible study feeling renewed, only to find he was married to a lunatic shrew. It is unfortunate that his reaction was to put your marriage in jeopardy. You two need some serious soul-searching. You owe him a profound apology. Tell him even you were taken aback by your reaction to Rev. Denise, and you need to work on your jealousy and how you express it.  I suggest you ask him to let both of you see the good Reverend together to air this out.

These darn young people, so optimistic, so healthy, so exuding excitement at all that's ahead of them. Why can't they understand that in the next 40 years someone is going to tell them, "I'm sorry, you didn't get the job." "I'm going to have to biopsy this." "You're not the boss of me and I hate you and I'm running away from home!" and "Let me see if this comes in a larger size."

You're right that life doesn't work out exactly as hoped for anyone. That may be particularly true in your case because you're such a defeatist downer. (Have you had an evaluation for depression?) One of the jobs of being young is to think that there is an exciting world of opportunties out there waiting to be grabbed. Guess what, that's what actually does happen for a lot of people (though not you). Your son sounds like he's in love with a wonderful girl. You should shut up (or as they say in the Cymbalta ads, 'talk to your doctor') about your gripes, and tell him how happy you are for him. You need to concentrate on addressing what's gone wrong in your life rather than try to ruin his.

Even though you are interested in law enforcement that is no reason to drop dear friends who have had brushes with the law. But references are not people who can vouch that you always brought enough cupcakes to class on your birthday and that you never hogged the swing during recess. Your references should be professors, or people you worked for during the summer or on internships, who can vouch for you as a budding professional.  (And since you are such a good friend -- what's up with 'repeated car accidents'? If your friend is a drunk driver or for other reasons is endangering the public, you should speak up and insist your friend get help.)

How sad for all of you, and how lucky that your granddaughter has a loving grandmother to help raise her. She needs to be told the truth, but it has to be a truth aimed at what a 5 year-old can understand.  This means telling her something along the lines that her Daddy loves her very much, but he has some problems and got in trouble, so now he has to be in a place called prison for a little while, and that's why he can't come see her now -- and that makes him feel really sad. Please seek  help from a social worker, therapist, or support group for families of the incarcerated. They should be able to help you work out exactly what to say and how to answer her questions. Let's hope your son can someday get ahold of his demons for his and his daughter's sake.

First of all, after one margarita learn to say, "I'd just like a ginger ale, thanks."  It's unpleasant enough for your "friend" to extract some sex confession from you, but it's egregious for her to pass this along and you're right to drop her. You're also right that some people are probably enjoying saying, "You will not believe what I just heard!" However, I would bet an equal number of people will be repelled at having such intimate confessions revealed to them, will shrug off what they learn about you, and have a bad feeling about the people who would blab such things.  If your husband doesn't know about this, you must tell him. Then both of you should act as if nothing has happened -- some extra hand-holding would also be good p.r. for the strength of your marriage. And watch last season's Curb Your Enthusiasm in which Larry David found himself confessing that he occasionally like to wear ladies underwear.

You and how many of millions of others? There is nothing to be embarrassed about by being caught in a massive ecomonic blood-letting beyond your control. This doesn't mean you are required to put your emotional life on hold.  Would you reject a guy who found himself in the same situation?  I hope not.  So say yes! You deserve some fun. Getting out and meeting people in therapeutic in every possible way. And  whether your romance works out or not, maybe the man from the produce aisle will have leads on producing some job prospects.

If you usually order a glass of wine while seeing your friends and now you order a club soda, I'm surprised no one has asked, "Are you pregnant?" There's no reason to dodge your friends just because you're keeping this a secret for a few more weeks.  When you go out, just order the least nauseating thing on the menu and pick at it if you can. And don't be surprised when you finally release the good news that everyone says, "I knew it!"

What a shame that the country can't be more like you and boyfriend: being willing to engage in real debate about how you disagree on the issues with an open mind and without rancor.  You can approach this in several  ways. One is to pretend you're Margaret Mead and enjoy immersing yourself in the byways of an alien culture. Another is to let most things go, but be willing to respond in a reasonable fashion to something you disagree with: "There may be a lot to criticize the administration for, but the president is an American citizen and a practicing Christian."  It would be good if your boyfriend would be ready to back you up in some way if you do this: "Kristin and I disagree about many things, but she's right that birthers are all wrong."  And most of all, just let the political discussions slide past you.  Bring up more neutral topics if you must (however, you probably want to put a cap on that old favorite, the weather, for obvious reasons), which will show his family how confident you are and what a delightful choice their son has made.

See, "Dating", there is life after living with parents. So have a delightful dinner with Mr. Groceries, and don't give up.

And I hope that the young people who see the letter can say, "Jeez, at least my mother doesn't keep telling me how rotten my life is going to turn out!"

First  approach your co-worker with compassion to make your situation clearer and offer him a way to make work life better.  It certainly is not your job to clean up his work station, but he can't and it's making you sick. Perhaps you could gently tell him that you want to give him a hand getting stuff in the office straightened out, then do it yourself, or enlist some colleagues to get his place cleaned up.  You also need to talk to him about how to cope with what you know are unexpected absences due to flare-ups of his illness. Getting this out in the open may give you a way to make covering for him more expected and fairer. And if you get total resistance, go to your manager and say that you admire that your company accomodates people with illnesses, but that your firm needs a more systematic way of coping when your colleague has to be out due to physical problems.

There's a reason "the girl next door" is a phrase that carries with it the understanding that two kids who see each other blossom into two appealing adults end up together.  All your collective parents will surely be thrilled that you each are having a romance with someone so thoroughly vetted and from such a nice family.  Kiss away!

This is "parents who regret their life choices" day.  No, you don't need to feel guilty that you yourself are not under the same pressure as a surgery resident. But even if you've earned your free time, it's not good to feel you're coasting. Find some engaging volunteer work, take some classes, do something worthwhile so that you don't have time to compare yourself to your busy daughter.

It's easy to do something generous for someone in need whom you like and admire. I understand why it's hard to do it for someone who makes your life harder. I don't think your reluctance means you're a hypocrite (however, it is nice to have raised such a generous daughter). In this case you just need to separate the professional from the personal. Helping someone facing cancer is a good thing to do. Putting the personal and professional back together, it is also the most utilitarian thing for you to do since you suspect there won't be anonymity and you have plenty of days to donate. So go today and donate some socially acceptable amount to the boss.

"Don't ever contact me again," would be a clear way to do it. But since you want to end it kindly, before you say that you could ask, "Where are you registered? I want to buy you and all of your wives a bulk gift."