Live Q&As

Since you say your marriage was turbulent perhaps your wife knows on some level that you weren't entirely faithful throughout the course of it.  You have both received shocking and painful news and are now dedicated to making the best  of what time you have left.  I hope that will be some considerable amount, and since the affair is well and long over, I agree that in his delicate period of rapproachment, you don't want to spend it dealing with the fallout of  a past affair.

This doesn't mean you never tell your wife, but it may be something you decide to do later.  Perhaps there will be a time when you can say to her that rededicating yourself to your marriage has been the sweetest time of your life. That you want her to know what her love and support has meant to you, and that you are sorry you weren't always the husband you should have been. She might say, "It doesn't matter now, I don't even want to talk about the past." Or she might want to know what you mean, or you might feel the need to explain you feel guilty about the past and don't want it to shadow your present.  But even if you tell her,  being honest in this circumstance doesn't necessarily require you to reveal with whom or for how long.  You can just explain you don't want her to ever thing that there was dishonesty in your last years together, but that she should know this time together has been real and true.

About 29 or so years ago I would have started thrashing around in my sleep, "accidentally" knocked the cup of coffee onto my husband's chest, and saying, "Oh, dear, I was having such a violent dream.  I hope the coffee didn't burn you."  If you two don't have one, invest in a wonderful invention called a "couch." While on it your husband can surround himself with newspapers, dog, and doze or read in perfect contentment.  The bed is for the sleeping.

Go back to your friend and say that obviously her news has shaken you and you must do something, but for the sake of honest discussion, you want to be able to tell your daughter why you are bringing up your concerns.  Ask your friend to either release you from the confidence, or contact your daughter directly and tell her a mother has to know if a daughter is depressed.  Then you should tell your daughter that you don't want her to feel she has to put on a happy face to reassure you if she is feeling miserable inside. Say part of being a teenager is believing no one has ever felt the way she feels and there's nothing to do done, but fortunately, that's not true.  Tell her if she's feeling so terribly sad, you want to talk to her about this, and maybe you both will agree that she should find a professional to help her sort through her feelings, because she should never feel she is battling this alone.

If he's on the bus every day, first of all tell the bus driver what's going on. There may be some protocol the driver needs to follow in cases like this. Then, the next time he comes to sit next to you, say in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear, "Don't ever sit next to me again or I will call the police."

Your aunt is surely right that the invitation didn't come because the friends felt it would be in bad taste to ask your father to come celebrate while he was in mourning. But you are more right that they should have sent the invitation anyway and let your father decide. It should have been sent with a note to your father saying something like, "We are heartbroken at the loss of your beloved Cynthia. We understand how difficult this time is for you, Harry, but if you are up to it, we would be so happy to have you join us at Victoria's wedding. If you can't make it, we will all get together as soon as we can arrange it."

Dad, there is so much misperspective in your letter I don't know where to begin.  Please let go of the idea of "giving in" to your wife about using fertility treatments.  If you never wanted children at all, that is something you two needed to clarify before you started reproducing. But if your concern is over the means of production, stop being ridiculous.  No one signs up for IVF unless they're unable to have success the old-fashioned way. This technology is a blessing that has allowed you to be parents.  Once you are parents it doesn't matter if your children came via the missionary position, a petri dish,  an adoption agency, or the stork. They're your kids.  How you conceived them is so profoundly no one else's business that you are embarrassing yourself and your friends by wanting to blurt it out.   Please concentrate on being the best husband and father you can be, and get help if you remain obsessed about the assistance you've gotten from people in lab coats.

But the daughter has confided in the mother's friend, which means she's looking for help. Some readers are saying to leave the friend out of the discussion so it's not seen as a betrayal. I totally understand that perspective. The mother could say, "Let's talk about what's going on an school. I've noticed you don't spend much time with friends," may work. But it's also possible the teenager told the mother's friend because she didn't know how to "let down" her mother that the happy face she was presenting at home wasn't the whole story.

Thanks -- got to watch the speed reading!  Ignore previous advice! And obviously  the daughter has at least one friend.  In this case, the mother will know if the daughter actually spends time with friends or spends all her time alone.  It also could be that the daughter was confessing a bout of unhappiness that has passed.  This friend could be someone who is letting the mother know the daughter is more troubled that she appears, or she chould be melodramatizing regular teenage angst.  In this case, the mother -- who has a good relationship with her daughter -- should be more persistent.  In the end, the mother might need to say she heard from this friend because there may be some strange backstory there. 

You can be patient and respect his timetable and "issues," which of course might mean that you end up having issues of your own -- like your need to keep the air conditioning on high because of your hot flashes.  The guy may love you (you don't sound positive) but he has made it clear every way possible he's not going to marry you. I get a variation of your heartbreaking letter all the time: man with endless horizon for childbearing stringing along a woman whose eggs are about to expire.  It's a terrible dilemma to wonder if you have enough time to find someone else who will want children with you, or you should  continue to throw your lot in with the guy who just might come around.  I say don't go through life passively waiting for others to want you. Tell him you're moving on.

You write a note about what she meant. You bring a casserole. You attend her funeral.  Then wait about three weeks and mail him a letter saying you would give anything not to be having to write this,  but you know he must be closing up the business and unfortunately you need your deposit and advance payment returned. Enclose the paperwork to make it easier for him. And reiterate how much his wife meant to all of you.

A sad theme is emerging in this chat.  Many people get satisfaction from planning their own funeral. But when you plan something designed to make your loved ones miserable and broke, there seems to be a lack of recognition that you actually won't be there to enjoy the production.

However, terminally ill people need to get cut a lot of slack. Could you possibly say to your mother, "We want to honor you the way you want and will do our very best." Then when the time comes, honor her in the way you can afford.

Your mother may get nasty, but you can't let her outbursts get in the way of helping suffering animals. I hope the cats she has are spayed and neutered, or else your crazy cat mother is on the way to becoming a crazy cat hoarder.  The cat you saw is in a medical crisis, so you should feel free to scoop it out of the litter box and get it the care it needs.  Please monitor the situation with the animals. In the worst case, you may have to call animal control to have the pets she can't care for taken away.