Conversations / Live Q&A

You say you're increasingly "attached" to your best friend's fiance. Although you sound like a barnacle, I assume you meant to write, "attracted." But your slip of the fingers is illuminating.  You need to quietly start unattaching yourself from the boyfriend of someone else.  Imagine that you go ahed and get your feelings off your chest: "Diane, Nick, I just wanted both of you to know that I fantasize about Nick constantly, and now that you're out of sight, Diane, I can't help but imagine myself stepping up and becoming Nick's fiance."  How's that going to go?  Since you work with Nick and volunteer with him, sure, you can't help but spend time with him. What you can do, however, is start building your own network of friends.  Surely you recognize that the Three Musketeers are going to have to disband someday.  (You'd probably like Diane to be the one to drop out.)  Nick has given you no sign that he's the slightest bit romantically or sexually interested in you. That's good news. Trying to move in on your best friend's fiance is a plot development best left for the next Ann Hathaway movie.

If what the other guest said is true then just about every office in Washington is going to have to be declared the land of the hokey, because usually there's a brag wall in which one prominent person has grip-and-grin pictures of him or herself with other, more prominent people. The guest who blurted out the remark about your hokiness was being slightly rude. However,  if everyone who blurted out something thoughtless, and everyone who felt they'd made an unsophisticated observation were to go around in a state of self-mortification,  we'd all be babbling in the corner about how awful we are.  You stop thinking about this by recognizing the other guest should be saying to him or herself, "Wow, I sounded like a jerk." But most of all you recognize you're big enough to just let it go.

Imagine you're at your grandmother's funeral and suddenly from the back you hear giggling. You turn around and a bunch of high school students are in the back treating this event as if they are in a reality show called, "Crash This Funeral."  (Or maybe they're part of the youth group of the Westboro Baptist Church.) It's wrong. You don't go. And it would be a good test of your social skills to calmly convey to the popular kids (why is "popular" so often a synonym for "jackass"?) that intruding on a family's grief is just not fun. 

If Thomas accidentally hurts your daughter it can happen in a split second and all the family members who are "keeping an eye out" can do is watch as disaster happens.  It's wonderful that the family is attentive to Thomas' feelings and wants him to enjoy being an uncle. However, it does no one any favors to not recognize people's limitations.  You wouldn't ask a beloved grandparent with Alzheimer's babysit, for example. Your daughter's safety is paramount. You simply have to explain that you're glad Thomas adores his niece,  and you look forward to him being part of her life, but she's not safe when he holds her, so that has to stop. If that means you risk hurt feelings, so be it.  Your husband and his family need a understand recognizing reality is not insensitivity.

Your father's on his fourth wife. He ordered her up on-line.  What more do you need to know about this guy?  If your father is not breaking the law and your new stepmother is not underage, I'm not sure what moral obligation you're talking about.  You believe he has a moral obligation to help you out financially.  It would have been nice if he'd decided to discharge it, but he was too busy charging gifts for Ludmilla to be bothered to help you.  If you're wondering if you have a moral obligation to look out for him as he gets even deeper into old age, feel free to say, "Ludmilla, the Depends are generally next to the feminine care products."

So when,  or if, she opens the door, are you going to dash in and run off with the television in lieu of a check? She borrowed money from you because she's broke. She's still broke, that's why she can't pay it back.  If you loan money to someone with financial troubles you should only do so if you can afford to never see that money again, because there's a strong likeihood you never will. You even say it's a small amount of money, so why are you trying to destroy your relationship over it? I think you should send another email saying, "I want to apologize for turning into a collection agency.  I know times are tough, so let's forget about paying back the money for now.  I love you and our relationship is more important than a few bucks."

But I love those little spots of color that lift your spirits and say, "Allergy season is coming!"

Let this be a warning to anyone with a secret stash of letters in the desk that would change everyone's understanding of you if you suddenly were gone.  If you are able to track the man down at his place of work, give him a call and explain that you'd be happy to return the letters to him, or that you will dispose of them if he prefer. Reassure him that no one else will know what you found. Your late colleague is very lucky this sad task fell to you.

Please talk to your boss about your need to leave this assignment. You do not have to say you are restraining an impulse to hit back, you just have to explain that the level of assault you are enduring has become too much and you feel physically endangered.  I understand that your job requires you to sometimes have to deal with a violent person, but your safety and well-being is paramount.  Surely you feel guilty and unprofessional for having these impulses, but they are normal.  It speaks highly of your professionalism that you have never acted on them, and you are concerned about how to proceed. It sounds as if this young woman needs some further medical oversight -- there are medications that may help keep her calmer and less agitated. And perhaps a caseworker could set up some meetings for the mother and the caregivers, providing guidance that will help everyone get along better.  You're doing difficult, important work. Do not feel guilty about recognizing you are only human, but do get the assistance you deserve.

Unless you are on a gluten-intolerance dating site (and if there isn't one, there should be), you don't have to disclose your dietary restrictions in your profile.  What you should do is be familiar with a bunch of restaurants that are able to accomodate the gluten-intolerant. Then,  when you make a connection with someone and you two are talking about where to go to eat, you can list these restaurants.  When you get there you can mention to your date  in a low-key way that you have food restrictions.  If you're relaxed about it, you should put him at ease. And if he only wants to date people who can break bread with him, better to know that early.

And we wonder why "stepmother" so often comes with bad connotations.  I think it's sickening when the new spouse tries to eradicate all traces of the late one, particularly when their are children involved.  It's a shame your father is not able to stand up to this woman, but you are probably going to have to start accepting that she calls the shots and your relationship with him is going to be altered.  As far as the quilt is concerned, if you have a good enough relationship with your sister, you could ask her to request it with the intent of passing it on to you. As far as your father is concerned, you need to say to him that you respect his new-found commitment to his religion, but you're his daughter, so you hope he would in turn show you the kind of love parents and children share.  Explain that you two have to agree to disagree about certain things,  but one thing you have to agree on is that you will treat each other with respect.

She's already embarrassing herself and repelling everyone forced to share the car with her.   Quietly offering a tissue and saying, "I have some extras if you need one," is fine.  If she responds with soggy, dismissive snort, don't take it personally, but feel free to move to the less liquid  end of the car.

This is in response to the co-worker cleaning out the desk of the colleague who died suddenly.  I'm afraid I have to disagree.  There are some things that are just better left unsaid.  One of them is, "I'm so sorry for your loss, and I have a strong reason to believe you need a full screen for STDs."

You could start saying to them, "Have you thought about your funeral plans?" "I've always admired your dining room table, can we have it when you die?" "The kids are going to miss their Grammy and Grampy so much when you're gone."

Don't worry about being so gentle that they don't hear what you're saying.  Tell them your Lab is in great shape, it's likely your dog has many more healthy years ahead of him, and that it's extremely upsetting to the kids for them to talk about their pet's death.  That means you don't want to have any more conversations about this  subject.

The woman died suddenly and unexpectedly. Let's assume had she known she was going to die, she never would have left these letters in her desk.  (They're in her office, not her home presumably for a reason.) The colleague is simply contacting the writer of the letters asking if he'd like them back. I think that's a kindness, and yes, I'm serious about that.