Conversations / Live Q&A

Every year I think, "Wow, that was a bad year. Next year can't possibly be that bad. And I am always mistaken.

We do not have kimchee. We do occasionally have bales of marijuana drifting onto the beaches. You make the call.

LOL.

Best not to ruin it.

No. But I don't really want tickets. What I really want is an explanation of the phrase "Turn off the dark."

I have three words for you, and they are: Control, Alt, Delete.

They haven't done anything to me. Darth Vader never did anything to me, either, but I also root against him.

Did your dog laugh?

I only recently found out about Spanx, and am told that sometimes the reason that women do not get intimate is not that they do not want to get intimate, but that they are wearing Spanx. So my feeling is, nobody should wear Spanx, except maybe Gov. Chris Christie. But also, for the record, and here I speak for all of Mankind: ladies, we don't CARE if you are or are not wearing Spanx. 

Is this Jon Huntsman?

Tough call. I personally would never say anything negative about either of these fine gentlemen.

We should rename it after whoever DID say those quotes.

We should send them there and see if they thrive, or what.

Here's what got me about the whole Twilight thing: You have these vampires, who are centuries old and fabulously wealthy and cultured and beautiful and intelligent, and what do they decide to do with their lives? THEY GO BACK TO FREAKING HIGH SCHOOL.

I do not think so.

Barry White.

I never move for cloture.

Well, maybe a couple of times, when I was drunk.

Don't feel too bad for the guy. He's currently polling sixth in Iowa.

It seemed to get pretty much the usual reaction. I'm sorry it didn't work for you. 

Yes. I'd love to tune in and watch Gene deliver a monologue while spewing terror sweat from every pore.

Another problem is that it's a Brodway musical about Spider Man.

It actually has, but after a number of rewrites it came out as War Horse.

That would depend on how it affected the Yankees.

My daughter, age 11, has been listening to this song called "I'm Sexy and I Know It." I said to her, "That's a joke, right? You were raised better than that." These kids today, with their crazy rock and roll.

At least one of them, and probably both, would have had buttock enhancements.

Is this Paul Krugman?

Here's what I do not get: collecting sneakers. Sneakers.

1. "Light" beer.

2. LinkedIn, whatever the hell it is.

3. Hunger. (This actually should be first.)

Here in the professional humor business, we call that a day's work.

"Crawl into a ball"?

Definitely not here.

Duh.

Thanks. I've been writing books, mostly. I have one coming out in a week that I co-wrote with Alan Zeribel, called Lunatics. It just got a review in the Boston Globe that said it contained -- and this is a direct quote -- "the funniest four-page diarrhea scene ever to be set on a submarine bound for Guantanamo."

It actually does a pretty good job. The problem is, it's over in .0000000000000000007 seconds.

Usually it's pretty easy: One story dominates the year. This year, of course, that story was "Spider Man: Turn Off the Dark."

It's currently polling ninth in Iowa.

It says my hair is 100 percent natural.

I don't want to make my move too early, but: Yes, I am seriously thinking about running.  My campaign theme would be:

DAVE BARRY: HE WILL NEED A LARGER JET

I was not born in Canada, unless there are tax advantages, in which case I was born in Canada. I hope that clears this matter up.

It was fun, with occasional patches of horror, especially when we realized that we needed (1) some kind of plot, and (2) an ending. I'd say, "I thought you had a plot," and he'd say, "I thought YOU had a plot!" Then we'd call it a day. It's hard work, literature.

Not at a formal wedding. For those, we use grenades.

I am not aware of any Miami Hurricanes scandal.

Also, Camilla.

There is no way to tell.

Let's launch some Kardashians and find out. 

GAH! I spelled Alan's name wrong. It's ZWEIBEL. Now he will need years of therapy.

The what cup?

He died too late for the deadline. I tried to tell him. "Kim!" I said, (for that is what I call him) "die now or you won't make the Year in Review!" But the crazy fool would not listen. That's Kim, though.

Probably your best bet is to just mail me some cash.

Thank you.

Lunatics, which I wrote with Alan Zweibel, that's Z-W-E-I-B-E-L, or "Zweibel," has been optioned to become a movie, and we have already had many phone conversations with people in Hollywood about making it into a movie, and we are working on a screenplay for the movie, so the odds a very good that it will never be made into a movie.

Again, it's "Zweibel."

I would have a Food Pile. It would be this pile of food, and the Department of Agriculture would invite you to dig in.

He is available.

When you get to be my age (137), you don't frack as much. I used to frack a lot. I was a real motherfracker. We're getting down to the part of the chat where I'm hoping nobody is actually reading this stuff.

To be honest, I don't think Alan is all that familiar with the alphabet.

Sometimes we will go to the stadium solely to throw our money onto the field.

Thanks. That was probably the only column I ever wrote that had an actual point.

We are planning a major "gig" (musician lingo, meaning "Zweibel") in Los Angeles in June. Details to come. We are considering learning a fourth chord.