And we're live! Happy Tuesday! Hope your weekend was swell!
I drew a cartoon called "Stickman" in high school. The stick people wore clothes because the inability to discern they were wearing clothes made it part of the humor. "That sweater makes you look fat." "Hike those pants up." A naked stick figure was also presented with private parts covered by a flower pot.
You will note this goes against the early Disney philosophy that cartoon characters do not wear pants.
Alexandra Petri :
That's true!
This is in response to a question I posed on Twitter about whether people assumed stick figures were clothed or not. What say you all? I think it depends on the context in which the stick figure is presented. The ones at bathrooms I always assume are fully clothed...
– February 19, 2013 11:11 AM
I need to please ask a favor. I have had a little bit of an unlucky streak at gambling. I know I will soon hit a lucky streak and win back what I have lost. Yet, until then, could I please borrow a billion dollars?
Alexandra Petri :
I think you're confusing me with someone else. China is in the other chat.
– February 19, 2013 11:13 AM
Can we call you Misandra?
Alexandra Petri :
You can call me almost anything, but I might not answer.
– February 19, 2013 11:13 AM
for DC taxi colour?
Alexandra Petri :
I was in favor of all blue except for three red cabs that only went to whatever that hidden enclave of registered DC R's is. I think it moves once a week.
But actually I like red. Yellow is so mainstream. And panda-colored would have been -- too much, really.
– February 19, 2013 11:15 AM
Heavens AP. The news seems rather full of, um, odd stories lately. That awesome Brussels diamond heist story alone rocks the house. http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/europe/8-armed-men-drive-onto-tarmac-of-brussels-airport-and-steal-diamonds-from-planes-hold/2013/02/19/b12faf52-7a6e-11e2-9c27-fdd594ea6286_story.html?hpid=z3
Alexandra Petri :
I know! I am riveted! Three minutes, $50 million! And Gawker implied that they would be unlikely to recover them! Can't wait for the movie version of this.
– February 19, 2013 11:17 AM
I recently read this article on The Onion, demanding that John Kerry "tell the truth" about his swift boat service.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/the-onion-demands-john-kerry-tell-the-truth-about,31021/
For the life of me I can't find the humor in it. Is it really supposed to be satirical? Or is it a serious political statement? If the latter then what is this kind of wingnut nonsense doing on The Onion?
Please advise!
Alexandra Petri :
My bet is that it's making fun of the Swift Boat Vets and POWS For Truth and pointing out that if they were not simply in it to throw wrenches into his presidential campaign, surely they would have equally vigorous objections to his SecState nomination? But I am pretty sure it's not a serious political statement.
"And so we take up the mantle of the recently disbanded Swift Boat Vets And POWs For Truth—a humble and virtuous tax-exempt political advocacy group—and demand that Senator Kerry answer the following..."
– February 19, 2013 11:24 AM
Are you sure it wasn't actually a movie being filmed, and the news stories are part of it? Going for authenticity, you know.
Alexandra Petri :
Given how often actual newscasters show up in movies and TV shows where news breaks (George Stephanopoulos on 'House of Cards', anyone?) this would be the logical next step...
– February 19, 2013 11:25 AM
OK, I have $50 million. Now all I need to borrow is $950 million. Do you have that much?
Alexandra Petri :
– February 19, 2013 11:25 AM
Wait, that took you longer than three minutes!
How can anyone not see the humor in this?
Alexandra Petri :
Well the rest of it's pretty dry, and if you skimmed it that line might not immediately leap out...
– February 19, 2013 11:27 AM
If Antwerp now loses its place as the center for diamond cutting, I think we should make Washington DC the new center. You do know how to cut diamonds right?
Alexandra Petri :
Oh yeah. Totally. Just hand me a diamond, and I will cut the heck out of that diamond!
– February 19, 2013 11:27 AM
The diamonds were bound for a flight run by (really) Helvetic Airlines. It's a plain no-frills airlines that only flies non-stop. And they don't go to Rome. (Typography jokes are easy; comedy is hard.)
Alexandra Petri :
Typography jokes are the best.
If they'd only been allowed to carry a serif on board this crisis might have been averted!
– February 19, 2013 11:30 AM
When Star Wars came out in 1977, my whole family saw it and loved it. My mother's principal reaction was that Han Solo was pretty cute. My siblings and I thought it was absolutely hiLARious that our mom would think any actor was cute, because she was, you know, old and married. My mom was 35 years old.
Alexandra Petri :
Ha!
I remember when third graders seemed impossibly, remotely old. I also remember when, on a school field trip, one of my friends left me devastated by informing me that Mark Hamill was (gasp!) in his forties by now.
Where's Benjamin Button when we need him?
– February 19, 2013 11:33 AM
Alex, you're a veritable font of levity!
Alexandra Petri :
ZING
+10!
You're a real comic sans!
– February 19, 2013 11:34 AM
I can see why the OP is confused. You're only allowed to make fun of people on the right, and people on the left are immune. And, of course, have no sense of humor.
Alexandra Petri :
Which reminds me, let's talk about the whole Multi-Day-Blech Saga that has been the 1) someone suggests that women with guns on campus might mistakenly think someone was a rapist and fire off rounds at random 2) this turns into a criticism of those Lady Self-Defense Guidelines, which admittedly never don't sound slightly ridiculous 3) that #LiberalTips2AvoidRape hashtag springs up at the precise intersection of Maximally Bad Jokes and Maximum Indignation. 4) everyone, soon, I assume, leaps off a bridge into the Seine to try to get out of this discussion.
– February 19, 2013 11:38 AM
aLL THE Male superheroes get pants/tights, but Wonder Woman does not!
Alexandra Petri :
Speaking of Backwards in Heels.
Female superheroes have all the powers directly attributed to them, plus the power of those people you always see standing outside of clubs without coats in massively high heels and massively short dresses. I defy Hawkeye to wait in 30-degree weather without a coat in that ensemble!
– February 19, 2013 11:40 AM
Or is that just too cheesy?
Alexandra Petri :
I see what you did there. I feel pretty neutral about it. Neutral and mountainous.
– February 19, 2013 11:42 AM
Navy book of ettiquit says put ammonia in a plastic lemon. Shoot in his eyes.
Alexandra Petri :
...oh my merciful heavens. All they gave me was a whistle!
– February 19, 2013 11:44 AM
There is a Tumbler devoted just to people who take Onion articles seriously: http://literallyunbelievable.org/ Personally I find many of the political ones too close to the bone to be satire any more.
Alexandra Petri :
I don't think that's the Onion's fault, sadly. We're getting pretty close to the bone.
They should start a tumblr for people who really, really hope that actual articles came from the Onion and have to go scream alone in a woodland.
– February 19, 2013 11:46 AM
I hear Helvetic Airlines is developing something new and bold.
Alexandra Petri :
I guess we'll have to courier new favors. Er. Lucida lips sink ships! (Er. These are terrible. Uh. GOUDY OLD STYLE!)
– February 19, 2013 11:48 AM
Robin the Boy Wonder begs to differ. Also the Sub-Mariner, the Thing...
Alexandra Petri :
Whoops, opened a can of pants worms there.
– February 19, 2013 11:49 AM
Arial here? Times a-wastin'.
Alexandra Petri :
Georgia is. I haven't talked Tahoma yet.
(ERRRRRRGH)
– February 19, 2013 11:50 AM
I don't need the money anymore. I am heading for a bridge over the Seine. And I'm bringing my gun.
Alexandra Petri :
This escalated quickly.
(Must be Javert! He's found my chatters at last.)
– February 19, 2013 11:52 AM
Kinda hard to perform undercover security when dressed in those Swiss Guards uniforms, isn't it?
Alexandra Petri :
Kinda hard to perform security in general when all you can do is wave a corkscrew menacingly at someone once they get within arm's distance.
– February 19, 2013 11:53 AM
Show wit and kerning.
Alexandra Petri :
I'm not sure I'm tracking.
– February 19, 2013 11:54 AM
Yes, by all means let's have a ludicrous debate on non-issues, because it's so much easier to get citizens to participate in spittle-emitting discussions of things that are beside the point then actual policy. Just imagine what a world we'd have if people took the time they spent spouting off and invested it in action. (Present company included, I guess. I'm such a hypocrite.)
Alexandra Petri :
You're right: ludicrous spittle-emitting discussions are so much easier to have.
In my defense, this debate is at such an ideal spittle-emitting intersection where nobody will feel any impulse to apologize because both sides think they are being sensitive to the side of the issue that matters, that it seemed worth banging one's head against.
– February 19, 2013 11:59 AM
I was going to do one about "where are these jokes leading," but pronounce the last word to rhyme with "heading." I can't tell this joke online. Stupid Internet.
Alexandra Petri :
We're missing out on so many rich nonverbal cues! Ligature life! Ligature choices!
That really depends on the delivery.
– February 19, 2013 12:02 PM
If these puns continue, you'll be hounded all the way to Baskerville Hall...
Alexandra Petri :
If I were going to diacritical marks I would already have died of critical marks.
(jumps off bridge, hits weir)
– February 19, 2013 12:04 PM
I set my browser to Times.
Alexandra Petri :
– February 19, 2013 12:04 PM
"THE BLOW DID AT LAST FALL"
The "Gloria Scott" and the whole business appeared to be settled as the story goes.
Thanks Watson.
Alexandra Petri :
Wait, does anyone else understand this? I'm having a Swift Boat Onion moment.
– February 19, 2013 12:08 PM
So, if a guy makes font jokes, would he be your type?
Alexandra Petri :
– February 19, 2013 12:08 PM
Is that joke net or gross?
Alexandra Petri :
– February 19, 2013 12:09 PM
Bacon pants! Oops, sorry, mixed you up with Carolyn Hax. Usually I only mix you up with Monica Hesse.
Alexandra Petri :
Hey, it's an honor to be mixed up with either!
– February 19, 2013 12:09 PM
Which means that somewhere in an abandoned Antwerpen warehouse there is a nutjob slicing the ear off a Belgian cop while listening to Milli Vanilli.
Alexandra Petri :
Monsieur Blonde went some interesting directions in this remake.
– February 19, 2013 12:12 PM
According to Malcolm Gladwell, ketchup has been perfected but mustard depends on individual taste. What do you put on a a hotdog and has this choice been cleared by Gene Weingarten?
Alexandra Petri :
I'm a ketchup fan, myself.
I clear all my choices via a close-reading of Weingarten calls to beleagered service representatives, so... yes?
– February 19, 2013 12:13 PM
Unlike the actual NY Times, it's easy to read (and credible).
Alexandra Petri :
– February 19, 2013 12:13 PM
The subject of young male fantasies always wear short tights.
Yes, Robin opens up a whole different discussion.
Alexandra Petri :
Speaking of which, did you see that Frederic Wertham's Seduction of the Innocent involved a great deal of falsification to concoct his thesis, according to a researcher who just dug through his original interview notes?
Big surprise there, given how sound his thesis was.
– February 19, 2013 12:15 PM
Did any of your Valentine's grammar pick-up lines work? Or are you waiting to test them against font puns for efficacy?
Alexandra Petri :
I did get some flowers at the office, but they turned out to be from my Zipcar, Monfort!
(This is not a joke. Apparently I am much more of a power user than I realized!)
– February 19, 2013 12:17 PM
A good spittle-emitting intersection can be good fun. What we need to know is to know allow our philosophical differences to affect friendships. Even if my friends are arrogant ignorant iguanas.
Alexandra Petri :
Mine are malformed misinformed lemurs. We should throw a mixer!
– February 19, 2013 12:18 PM
They don't just wave corkscrews. As is well known, everyone in Switzerland from the age of 7 has a personal firearm. So there are no security problems because everyone is packing heat. Some of these guns are made from 3-D printers. (What other Post hot buttons can we squeeze into this chat?)
Alexandra Petri :
Something about how the Swiss still call each other Miss, avoiding all this false intimacy that I hear is a problem?
– February 19, 2013 12:20 PM
What are bacon pants? Do you wear them or could you eat them?
Alexandra Petri :
Why do we have to choose? as Lady Gaga might inquire.
– February 19, 2013 12:22 PM
Hey all: my work computer does this remarkable impression of a glacier, and it picked just now to try it out on me, so apologies for the delay in responses just now! I'm still here!
There's a great broadcaster on BBC Radio 5 who plays what he calls the Sausage Sandwich game on air. He has callers answer if a famous person wants, on their sausage sandwich, "red sauce, brown sauce, or no sauce at all." It's become a thing in the UK for a complicated answer to a simple question. (Brown sauce is kind of like steak sauce--they're nuts about it, apparently.)
Alexandra Petri :
Huh. I always worry that English cuisine is some sort of weird euphemism, but I like the sound of this question...
– February 19, 2013 12:34 PM
I actually have nothing to say today other than I am impressed that you have gone 30 minutes past your time. You must really like your readers and with that, I am impressed!
Alexandra Petri :
Oh, you folks are the best!
I'm the person who always shows up to the party slightly late and then doesn't leave when it's time to leave, until everyone starts pointedly yawning and comes down the stairs in pajamas at me.
– February 19, 2013 12:39 PM
Why those pants only rip just above the knees is one of those eternal questions.
Alexandra Petri :
It's the same mystery as Natalie Portman's shirt in Star Wars: Episode II!
– February 19, 2013 12:40 PM
What do you think of South Carolina former Governor Mark Sanford -- he of "Hiking the Appalachian Trail" fame -- now running an ad for a Congressional seat in which he essentially says, Hey we all make mistakes? I bet that'll sew up the Argentinian mistress votes in South Carolina!
Alexandra Petri :
I am just delighted by the fact that this campaign exists at all, for pretty much the same reasons that Actual Voters Not Concerned With Humor Fodder are not.
– February 19, 2013 12:42 PM
GAAAAAAAAARGH
I have only strong, negative feelings for this computer. It ate the other post I was trying to post in which I insulted it in all caps and addressed it as "thou eunuch jelly thou," an "overweight glob of grease," and referred to myself as HULK PETRI, which is probably for the best for all concerned.
Er.
Anyway, I should probably skedaddle. Apologies all around. Please keep reading the Compost and feel free but free to follow me on Twitter!
The thing is, many of Musk’s arguments don’t add up, not to mention the fact the he and his company were certainly quick with this data to refute Broder’s claims. It was almost as if they were ready for a fight, had been preparing it all along. And it wouldn’t have been hard to set up. According to the original New York Times piece, Broder had been on the phone multiple times with different people from Tesla’s team to locate new charging stations, how to condition the battery and other tips for conserving power.
With plenty of charts and graphs and frustrated language, Musk claims Broder even tried to run the battery into the ground in the parking lot of a fueling station next to a McDonalds.
Jay drove a Vette into Burger King.
Alexandra Petri :
Yeah, the more I hear about Musk, the more skeptical I am. He seems to have an oversized shoulder-chip.
– February 19, 2013 1:06 PM
