I agree that Cerberus would be the perfect name for a moon, loyally following Pluto wherever it goes.
Wouldn't Sisyphus be another obvious choice? What could be more pointless than to be a rock rotating around another rock that isn't even a planet anymore?
Alexandra Petri :
Ha!
Or Tantalus -- always close enough to orbit, never close enough to touch, unless something has gone horribly wrong!
Also, hello! Chat is live!
– February 12, 2013 11:13 AM
I've never wrestled, and in fact wrestlers in school always sort of creeped me out, but for some reason this decision makes me really sad. Wrestling has a pure olympic pedigree. So for the IOC to ditch it is just more evidence to me that the IOC has lost its soul. What else is new, huh?
Alexandra Petri :
I think this calls for a return to Pure Olympic Pedigree sports, if only because I want to watch some people race in hoplite armor before I die. And pankration! Don't forget the pankration!
– February 12, 2013 11:15 AM
When you signed off last week, you stated you saw there was no one left on the chat. I was there, I can verify that, and I saw there were well over 200 people still online. So, don't fret. You have us loyal fans, even if our numbers don't show up on your side. We were there and we are still here.
Alexandra Petri :
Oh huzzah!
I think, in general, my end of the chat is the end where the problems are.
– February 12, 2013 11:19 AM
Real reason for Pontiff decision: need more time to focus on improving twitter feed.
Alexandra Petri :
Where better to pontificate?
– February 12, 2013 11:19 AM
Circe and Medea, after my two favorite witches. Which one would be better as a girlfriend? Circe would teach you a lot but would turn you into a hog when she was bored. Medea would be wacky fun until you try to leave and then all hell breaks out. Medea.
Alexandra Petri :
Ha, I like this! I think Circe would be better if you were looking for a low-commitment relationship like the one Odysseus enjoyed, but if you wanted a serious girlfriend and you were confident that you were never, ever, ever breaking up with her under any circumstances -- as you said, obvious choice.
Follow-up question: which of the big-three gods would you date? Zeus, Poseidon, Hades? I can see this going any number of ways.
– February 12, 2013 11:23 AM
The last few Popes have not been coronated with the bejeweled three-tiered Papal tiara. Do you think the next Pope should be crowned with it?
Alexandra Petri :
You had me at bejeweled three-tiered Papal tiara. Clearly, yes. The more Distinctive Headgear, the merrier!
– February 12, 2013 11:24 AM
Wow. I don't know if I was cyber-bullied or if someone was sending me a reality check. I joke around on Twitter. I believe I have almost no followers. This allows me latitude to experiment with bad jokes. I always felt like doing so was sending jokes up into the cloud, where maybe someday someone who might like them might find them.
I then received a personal tweet from a stranger asking for my email. I sent it to her. She then emailed me that she is an agent for comics and she wanted me to know that my jokes are no funny. She advised me to stop wasting my time and to do something more productive.
I at first ignored her but then it upset me in the middle of the night. If I send jokes into the cloud and the cloud tells me to stop, maybe the cloud is telling me something. Now I am conflicted. Any advice?
Alexandra Petri :
Actually?
Wow, this person sounds like she needs more hobbies. Does she do this to everyone who makes jokes of variable quality on Twitter? If so, how have I been spared?
– February 12, 2013 11:25 AM
It is 11:11. The students are organizing marching to the Dean and demanding to know where you are. We are thinking of hiring a billionaire to fly you to an island and torture you mercilessly by reading you bad romance writing. Is that a good incentive?
Alexandra Petri :
Ha, there are four of these, each with increasing urgency and a different time-stamp. I stand rebuked!
– February 12, 2013 11:27 AM
Great line about the pope becoming a chef in retirement . . .
I never cease to be amazed at how eager some people are to be offended by what is OBVIOUSLY humor. Did you expect the reaction in the comments?
Alexandra Petri :
Honestly, after the poets, I feel strangely numb to criticism.
And you should have seen the jokes I didn't make about the pope. Given the response to the few sturdy limbs I felt comfortable crawling a tiny distance along, I am glad I went no further. But if you can't make fun of the most powerful single religious figure on this earth, whom can you make fun of? I tried to make it about the obviously (from a modern perspective) somewhat wacky aspects of the job, not about the man himself. The trouble with trying to do even that is that, historically, if there's one thing people are not good at taking, it is jokes that come anywhere close to their religious beliefs. So even when you try to tread carefully, you get -- what you saw.
– February 12, 2013 11:35 AM
I suppose Proserpina has already been used somewhere?
Alexandra Petri :
I was wondering why they suggested Persephone and not Proserpina, given that it is Pluto. Deep waters...
– February 12, 2013 11:36 AM
Pankration is called mixed martial arts today. People are trying to get it into the 2016 Olympics.
Alexandra Petri :
Do they still have the thing where you can disembowel a guy, like Damoxenos did? Because if so I am... not in favor of that.
– February 12, 2013 11:40 AM
I think he suddenly realised he has no wife, no kids, no pets and he's working every day and can't enjoy that. I want to retire to spend more time without my spouse and chillun.
Alexandra Petri :
He wouldn't be the only retiree who wanted to spend more time without his spouse and children. And that number includes people who have both. "For better or for worse, but not for lunch," as someone on a greeting card says.
– February 12, 2013 11:41 AM
According to this CNN piece, Stephen Colbert is eligible to become pope. Apparently the standards are rather, um, non-rigorous. A male baptized in the Catholic church. Or something. http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/02/12/colbert-for-pope-the-surprising-standards-for-the-next-catholic-leader/?hpt=hp_t2
So I say Colbert for Pope! He didn't make the Senate - maybe this is better!
Alexandra Petri :
God was reserving him as an instrument for something higher!
Hey, if his sister doesn't win her election, this will be a nice consolation prize!
– February 12, 2013 11:42 AM
I see a vicious rumor that the Pope decided not to retire after all, yet I don't see it on the Post and therefore I conclude the Post would have the story if the Twitter rumor is true. If it is true, though, and if the Pope is infallible, was the Pope wrong when he retired or when he did not retire?
Alexandra Petri :
I don't know, but I'm not asking him which door has a tiger behind it until I can get that sorted out.
– February 12, 2013 11:43 AM
Zeus had commitment issues . . . .
You could do Hades for half the year, and spend the rest in Poseiden's hot tub
Alexandra Petri :
Hades: Studies Show That People Can Stand Him For Half A Year!
is a slogan that was bandied around at Greek God headquarters before they went with Lord of the Underworld.
– February 12, 2013 11:44 AM
Date, no; quick fling, yes. With birth control. Raising a demi-god is a pain. And none of those three would ever be able to commit. Too many other maidens to chase & impregnate.
Alexandra Petri :
Good thought! Zeus was singlehandedly responsible for the epidemic of mythological single motherhood. Although if you look at the way most of the heroes turned out, their moms/mothers and mothers' understanding husbands/the random shepherds who picked them off hillsides/ did well.
– February 12, 2013 11:47 AM
The influence of studying classics is evident in your work and that of J.K. Rowling. Makes me wish I had done more than read the summaries of classics in high school.
'
Do you see recurring themes in today's world? Do you think our reality TV will survive so that future generations will see it and judge us by it? Presumably the Greeks and Romans had low brow entertainments, but presumably most of that didn't survive and what did survive is what we generally describe as classics?
Alexandra Petri :
I believe Things Based On Greek Myth are going to be the next big wave of referential entertainment. Fairy Tales are almost old. And I think there's a show in development about Athena and another one called "Olympus" or something.
My Unified Tastelessness Theory of the past is that everything that you assume has survived because people realized what a Grand And Lasting Classic it was, actually looked pretty garish at the time. So I have no idea what of us is going to last. Given the Internet, probably everything, not that anyone will want to see it.
– February 12, 2013 11:54 AM
Zeus seems prone to fits of anger with unexpected consequences for the angree. Hades... uh, no. But Poseidon can keep me in pearls. :D
Alexandra Petri :
That's one for the Lord of the Ocean.
– February 12, 2013 11:54 AM
The philanderer, the surfer dude or the bad boy who needs a restraining order to release his wife? Women. You always ignore the nice guys.
Alexandra Petri :
Where are you finding nice guys in Greek myth?
– February 12, 2013 11:55 AM
I guess there's Hector, but he's taken.
Or Patroclus, but -- that might be a problem.
You fool!
Alexandra Petri :
Yes, but I understand the optimistic impulse! "Ah," you no doubt thought, "she wishes to congratulate me at greater length!"
– February 12, 2013 11:57 AM
Zeus would be all "I am Captain Thunderbolt" and in need on constant reassurance ("Oh, yes, you are the biggest god of them all!"). And while Poseidon would have a killer waterbed and I can think of many ways to have fun with that trident, I'm just not as into watersports as I used to be. Hades, on the other hand, would be fun, creative and devious. Don't know if I'd marry him, but he'd definitely be the best in the sack (or wherever).
Alexandra Petri :
You deserve points for this answer. +26!
Hades did take a bit more of a Stockholm Syndrome approach to courtship than I usually go for, though...
– February 12, 2013 11:58 AM
Zeus pro: Your offspring would be demigods.
Zeus con: His attention is known to wander.
Poseidon pro: You'll probably be a mermaid.
Poseidon con: Red Lobster Friday is out.
Hades pro: No drop-ins from annoying relatives.
Hades con: Drop-ins from dead relatives.
Alexandra Petri :
Ha!
I think your offspring would be demigods in all three cases, but I could be wrong.
– February 12, 2013 12:00 PM
Well, the rules said anything goes except biting and eye-gouging, so...
Alexandra Petri :
The guy was disqualified afterwards because they said that his reaching into this fellow's ribcage to disembowel him counted as several blows, not a single one, and he was supposed to be administering a single undefended blow. Which was not very consoling to the deceased.
– February 12, 2013 12:02 PM
Who would even want to be a moon circling a minor, recently demoted planet? I want to name the next pope. Maybe Syzygy the First.
Alexandra Petri :
Oh man, if they sold the papal naming rights, I would be elated. Think of the pun possibilities! Pope Floats! Pope Diamond! Pope Solo!
– February 12, 2013 12:04 PM
I am less disturbed by the news that there is an ape that loves to watch porn than I am by the realization that somewhere someone thought it might be a good idea to give porn to an ape.
Alexandra Petri :
The shame! He's never going to finish the complete works of Shakespeare now!
– February 12, 2013 12:04 PM
Don't you have to be an ordained priest?
Alexandra Petri :
Shhhhhhhhhh! Let us dream!
– February 12, 2013 12:05 PM
The pope is only infallible when he makes a pronouncement ex cathedra about doctrinal matters. Sort of like, he has to say "Simon Says" for it to count as infallible.
Alexandra Petri :
I love the sentence "Sort of like, he has to say 'Simon Says' for it to count as infallible." Thank you for explaining!
– February 12, 2013 12:06 PM
I find it upsetting that they are dropping wrestling from the Olympics. My son was a wrestler, and it was the best sport he was ever involved in for discipline and athletic prowess. It seems like Pizza Hut dropping pizza from their menu and focusing on chicken wings!
Alexandra Petri :
Yeah! Now if Domino's were to drop pizza and focus on chicken wings...
– February 12, 2013 12:07 PM
I should have typed that the pope has to say "Simon Peter Says" in that last submission.
Alexandra Petri :
– February 12, 2013 12:08 PM
You must have forgotten about Semele.
Alexandra Petri :
That was her own fault. Well, Hera's fault. But her fault for listening to Hera.
– February 12, 2013 12:09 PM
Strife always seems to get involved in those god-human relationships.
Alexandra Petri :
You should definitely invite both to your wedding, though.
– February 12, 2013 12:10 PM
Helen had a couple of nice-guy brothers.
Alexandra Petri :
Castor and Pollux?
This is where I say "Castor can't have been that nice if they named the oil after him!" and you groan and leave the chat.
– February 12, 2013 12:11 PM
Dating Hades would have the advantage of being able to visit where he lives and seeing all the great late authors.
Alexandra Petri :
Oh, that's true. As long as he didn't feel you were using him. And if Achilles in the Odyssey is anything to go by, they'd all be bitter and angry.
– February 12, 2013 12:12 PM
(as the room empties of non-Classicists)
Alexandra Petri :
I always get the two Ajaxes confused, which I guess makes me Ajaxist. He was the big one, yes? But didn't he get upset with Odysseus and kill himself? I mean, "Spoiler Alert."
– February 12, 2013 12:14 PM
They would. And they might be resentful because Zeus's demigod kids get all the attention.
Alexandra Petri :
Seriously!
But I think Rick Riordan is writing a series to fix that.
– February 12, 2013 12:15 PM
but then he's the father of the protagonist, so that's probably why.
Alexandra Petri :
Hey, just as I mentioned them, I saw your comment!
He does have that terrible grudge against Odysseus, though. But you can't be a hero unless at least one god has a grudge against you.
– February 12, 2013 12:16 PM
Just think of all those lovely beach vacations!
Alexandra Petri :
– February 12, 2013 12:16 PM
I think you guys - or rather gals - are getting too influenced by Disney. Posidon of myth was mostly into messing with the wars and other travel plans of his friends and enemies by manipulating the weather. Imagine never having to worry about bad weather on a vacation as long as you are willing to keep it near the coast. Or being able to mess with the travel plans of people you don't like as long as they are going to be on or near the ocean. This has posibilities.
Alexandra Petri :
Or just shutting down DC forever by threatening a single inch of snow that never actually managed to fall...
– February 12, 2013 12:18 PM
OMG: Someone reads jokes on Twitter, takes the time to contact the joker, ask for private email, then tells you your jokes are no good and you should stop wasting your time and do something more productive. Dude, she's just showing off her exquisite mastery of understated irony. People with an actual job don't have time to contact strangers on Twitter to tell them their jokes aren't that good.
Alexandra Petri :
Well put!
(Of course, we say this and just watch her be a tremendously successful agent who is alarmingly good at budgeting her time and views this as a public service of sorts. But somehow I doubt it.)
– February 12, 2013 12:20 PM
The new Vatican soft drink Popesi?
Alexandra Petri :
Even I groaned a little at that one...
– February 12, 2013 12:20 PM
The previous chatter had it backwards: Should be, "Hades con: No drop-ins from nice relatives. Hades con: Drop-ins from annoying relatives."
Alexandra Petri :
This presumes you don't have any dead relatives you might want to see, though...
But then again, just because you might want to see them doesn't mean you want them to join you on dates.
– February 12, 2013 12:24 PM
Isn't this like Speaker of the House, where apparently one need not be a member of the House of Representatives in order to be elected Speaker.
Hello, I am a literary agent. I see you have some unpublished novels. May I please have your private email?
Alexandra Petri :
You can't fool me! You're just going to excoriate me for ruining the cloud!
– February 12, 2013 12:28 PM
Another major disadvantage of a fling with Zeus: vengeful wife hanging around waiting to turn you into a cow or get you burned to death.
Alexandra Petri :
Poor Hera.
Did Hera ever cheat? I can't think of a single incident, off the top of my head. She was obsessed with Jason, but I don't think it led to anything.
– February 12, 2013 12:29 PM
This chat has made me realize how much of the mythology I learned in school has been sadly forgotten. Reco for best book to bring it all back? Edith Hamilton? Something else?
Alexandra Petri :
I enjoyed what I've read of Edith Hamilton and Robert Graves' mythologies, but I would actually advise Ovid's Metamorphoses -- hits most of the big stories, he's a hilarious writer, and there are all these weird little side anecdotes that are great fun as well.
– February 12, 2013 12:30 PM
Pygmalion was a nice guy. You'd have to hide his chisel. I also like Pope Pourri.
Alexandra Petri :
Oh, Pope Pourii!
Edgar Allen Pope.
Er, wait.
– February 12, 2013 12:31 PM
What about castor sugar, though? (Any Brits here?)
Alexandra Petri :
"Marmite! Weetabix!"
I'm just shouting the names of British food products; I'm not sure if there are Brits here.
– February 12, 2013 12:32 PM
They're thinking of dropping wrestling, but still have boxing for men and have recently added it for women? Priorities, people!
Alexandra Petri :
AND WHERE'S MY HOPLITE RACE?
I think you can tell what will be coming out of me next, as far as opinion pieces are concerned.
– February 12, 2013 12:33 PM
For the poster way at the beginning (sorry, I'm late!) who insisted that s/he'd have a fling but use birth control: That ain't how it works. The ancients were very clear that the gods are ALWAYS fertile. That's how we got Aphrodite.
Also: I am thoroughly depressed to learn that wrestling got fewer viewers and ticket sales than handball. Frickin' HANDBALL! WTH is wrong with us today?
Alexandra Petri :
My first response to that was, "Huh, maybe handball is more exciting than I thought!"
– February 12, 2013 12:34 PM
Zeus: Alpine skiing.
Alexandra Petri :
Hades: You can be surrounded by dead people!
– February 12, 2013 12:35 PM
There's a Disney movie about the Trojan War, involving Hades?
Alexandra Petri :
Fortunately no. Just Hercules, which features Hades as the antagonist, of all the random antagonists to pick when Hera would have been perfectly fine and more interesting.
But I do have a soft spot for the film, if only because of the muses.
– February 12, 2013 12:36 PM
Would you drink Popesi with your Popa John's Pizza?
Alexandra Petri :
OH NO, WHAT MONSTER HAVE WE CREATED?
– February 12, 2013 12:37 PM
Chose Hades.
Alexandra Petri :
Especially if you really like the head part of the dog and wish dogs came standard with more than one of those.
– February 12, 2013 12:38 PM
Hephaestus! I have a thing for blacksmiths. Aphrodite didn't like being married to him but her taste in men totally sucks anyway. Ares is a total psychopath.
Alexandra Petri :
Hephaestus also controls the metallurgy robots, if that floats your boat, and WHY WOULDN'T IT?
He makes armor -- maybe he makes amor, as well!
(I apologize to the friend whose joke about dating blacksmiths that was.)
– February 12, 2013 12:40 PM
You have 199 online, up from 189 just a few seconds ago. We are still here.
Alexandra Petri :
Well done, gang! If you'll stay for the Greek God date-off, you'll stay for anything!
– February 12, 2013 12:41 PM
You can divide "Popeye's" into Pope Yes
Alexandra Petri :
And don't forget the Superb Owl.
– February 12, 2013 12:41 PM
If it makes you feel any better, Gene Weingarten is now a half hour late. Are most humor writers late for things?
Alexandra Petri :
Punctuality is the thief of time, as I think Oscar Wilde said.
Judging by the sheer number of humorists who have jokes about unpunctuality, I would guess it's a pattern.
We got our start trying to make endearing excuses for not turning up, or something! Also, "discontented muttering irreparable childhood damage something something."
– February 12, 2013 12:45 PM
Once Stephen is elected by the conclave, he could then be ordained. His present lay status does NOT preclude his selection.
Alexandra Petri :
There we go!
Now it begins.
– February 12, 2013 12:46 PM
I thought for a moment Gweneth Paltrow had birthed more children.
Alexandra Petri :
– February 12, 2013 12:46 PM
Orpheus was devoted to his Eurydice. OK, perhaps a bit obsessed.
Alexandra Petri :
Just a tad.
Musicians, man.
– February 12, 2013 12:48 PM
The wiki tell me that Hera produced Hebe after being impregnated by a head of lettuce. I'll believe anything I read on the Internet!
Alexandra Petri :
Eeeer???
is the best impression I can give of the noise I just emitted on reading that. Well done, Greek mythology/the Internet, whichever of you is to blame for this.
We should probably wrap up soon, speaking of being impregnated by heads of lettuce.
– February 12, 2013 12:50 PM
though I can't recommend it.
Alexandra Petri :
I took a quick dip, but I have no memory of it. Or of anything, actually. What am I doing here? Who am I?
– February 12, 2013 12:51 PM
I think Kim Kardashian bought it and to wear in her wedding to Kanye.
Alexandra Petri :
I'd believe that. Heaven forfend Kim Kardashian should ever be absent from any conversation!
– February 12, 2013 12:52 PM
A few years ago I used to frequently see this Internet ad that read "Which rock star would you date?" Now we have moved to dating Greek gods. In some way, I see this as progress.
Alexandra Petri :
– February 12, 2013 12:54 PM
I thought any lay status was a no-no for popes (and priests, for that matter).
Alexandra Petri :
Oh good, I'm glad someone else went there!
– February 12, 2013 12:54 PM
Today's Mardi Gras, and the classic Brazilian film "Black Orpheus" is a retelling of the Orpheus and Euridyce legend against the backdrop of Carnaval in Rio de Janeiro. Thread-weave!
Alexandra Petri :
Oh, right, it's Mardi Gras!
Well, I'd better go figure out what to give up! Maybe... tardiness. That should go well.
– February 12, 2013 12:56 PM
What childhood damage have you suffered?
Alexandra Petri :
It's just something anyone who writes humor is contractually obligated to say... Unless they've updated the Code since the '80s.
– February 12, 2013 12:57 PM
Weingarten is still late and Robinson has postponed until tomorrow. You are the God of Tuesday Discussions!
Alexandra Petri :
Well, it's not quite the deityship I was hoping for, but I'll gladly take it!
– February 12, 2013 12:57 PM
Is that what we have to call you now?
Alexandra Petri :
It's a bit of a mouthful, and I'm not sure I could keep a straight face. Also if you mail anything to the post addressed to Your Deityship I am pretty sure it goes to Carolyn Hax.
– February 12, 2013 1:00 PM
Olympic team handball is like indoor soccer where you use your hands. Quite popular in Europe. Unlike hoplite racing, which is as popular as a Bud Light pub crawl.
Alexandra Petri :
I take the first point, but -- I don't understand your hostility to hoplite dashes.
– February 12, 2013 1:02 PM
You personally can't say on WAPO?
Alexandra Petri :
"Is Poetry dead? Let's contemplate this question."
– February 12, 2013 1:03 PM
Your damaged childhood is that you had a good childhood, thus preventing you from the torments that create great writers. We really should have had your parents beat you and abandon you a few times..
Alexandra Petri :
I am always complaining to them about this.
"Beethoven's parents at least had the decency to come storming home in the wee hours of the morning and force him to practice the piano in the cold and dark! And you just offered me unstinting love and support! It's like you didn't want me to succeed!"
– February 12, 2013 1:04 PM
Yet the Olympics now have golf, which is about as exciting as watching grass grow. Actually, now that I think about it...
Alexandra Petri :
HOPLITE RACE AND GRASS-GROWING ENTHUSIASTS, STEP THIS WAY!
– February 12, 2013 1:05 PM
To the lady poster who's willing to have a quick fling with the gods. Disclosure: I'm only a semi deity from the southern Mexico pantheon, but I'm adorable. Send me your email so I can send a winged panther for you.
Alexandra Petri :
Are you sure you won't just send her an email excoriating her for daring to make jokes in the cloud?
Okay, this is the second callback to that exchange; I think I have to ring down the curtain.
– February 12, 2013 1:06 PM
The big dumb one.
Alexandra Petri :
I just like hearing Ajax referred to this way.
– February 12, 2013 1:07 PM
But wouldn't all of your adventures take place upside down?
Alexandra Petri :
– February 12, 2013 1:07 PM
I know these things. The first is a spread that has both the taste and consistency of ear wax. The second is a cereal that has both the taste and consistency of a doormat.
Alexandra Petri :
So, English delicacies, is what you're saying!
I'm sorry, I had to.
– February 12, 2013 1:10 PM
I got gold for watching paint dry.
Alexandra Petri :
– February 12, 2013 1:10 PM
I so want to hear a Pope say the words "Simon says..."
Alexandra Petri :
And on that note, have a great week! Enjoy the State of the Union! Have a grand Valentine's Day! Enjoy the asteroid flyby! And keep reading the Compost!
Also, feel unobligated but unobligated to follow me on Twitter!
– February 12, 2013 1:11 PM
