ComPost Live with Alexandra Petri

Jan 01, 2013

Join us next Tuesday to laugh, cry, and dish about the moments that amused you, shocked you, or caused you to yell things that frightened the other people on the subway.

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Happy New Year, everyone! Look, I'm right on time! If this chat is any indication, this year is going to be wildly anomalous!

Let's talk resolutions and predictions -- and Fiscal Cliff, if you insist.

The Mayans were right and we fell off the fiscal cliff and the world ended. Is it me, or is Hell sort of like where we lived before?

"Hell is other people discussing the Fiscal Cliff on talk shows," as I think Sartre said.

Joe Biden and the bikers. It still makes me smile.

Oh, hands down.

Here it is again, in all its glory.

 

Are you really the only one doing a chat today? Is this some sort of hazing ritual? Or is everyone else just too hungover to chat? That brings me back to: Is this some sort of hazing ritual? (I accidentally typed "hazy ritual" at first. That may be more correct.)

This is the kind of diminished productivity we were told to look for when the nation went over the cliff!

 

Happy to see you here but I'm not sure if you really are. Is this a dream?

They say the best way to tell if something is a dream is to consult your watch twice, and if the face changes, you're dreaming.

If this is a dream, though, I'm a little concerned.

My resolution is to watch more tv and eat ice cream every day. It's gonna be hard to follow through.

It's amazing how the instant you make something a resolution, it becomes completely impossible.

I'm still in the stage of resolutions where I'm like, "I'm going to start a web series and eat six bananas daily!" but we'll see where it goes.

Well I see you did not work on your holy day of Christmas, yet you are working on New Year's Day. Frankly, I am a bit surprised that you do not consider the first day of a new year to also be a holy day. What are you, some kind of Mayan or something?

Well, today I have no presents to open, and the typing helps to keep the dim buzzing in my head at bay.

Actually, I feel strangely chipper.

But this morning does remind me of all those articles on hangover cures, which are best summed up in the phrase, "Somehow arrange to have imbibed less."

My watch face does change, but then I have one of those "flasher" watches where it switches between Spiro Agnew and Richard Nixon. Am I dreaming?

We all know you would be the only one sober enough at the Washington Post today. Thank you for starting the new year by taking the lead.

You're welcome! I am proud to take responsibility. *removes lampshade from head, stumbles into table, hiccups*

I am getting ads on who to vote for Oscars. I sometimes think it would be interesting to see a Post political analyst analyzing the campaigns for Oscars. I am wondering when the negative ads will begin in the Oscar races. "Stephen Spielberg: not a true conservative." "Where is Ang Lee's birth certificate?"

"Anne Hathaway: she still looks good with that haircut, dang it! Why is she crying?"

Any comments on the capture of the maple syrup bandits. 2013 is going to be a great year.

This is my favorite concluded story of 2012.

I think the deeper question is what happens to the sinister Maple Syrup cabal that controls the world's supply. We would have remained ignorant of its existence had it not been for those bandits. Where do we go from here?

I keep seeing cute wood carvings and posting about how much one loves bacon and I always think "I bet Alexandra Petri would love that." Now I am wondering: do you have anything that declares your love of bacon? If not, would you ever so display such a proclamation?

I would totally do that, and I need to.

I'm trying to replenish my supply of bad art. So far, I have a painting of Michael Jackson, a picture of Paul McCartney eating a banana that everyone who has seen it claims looks like Justin Bieber, and a painting of C3PO in tweed that I alone think is Quality Artwork.

But bacon art! That hadn't occurred to me. Now I have a new direction to hunt! Thank you for the inspiration!

Maybe this sort of thing is just what the doctor ordered.

We need to smash the maple syrup cabal. We need to steal their reserves and sell them on the open market to drive the price down so we may all better afford maple syrup. On second thought, maybe it was a big thing that the thieves were caught.

I want to know how deep the bacon rabbit hole goes, though.

Next we'll learn that all the nation's eggs are controlled by Virginia lawmakers!

As we begin a new year, I believe it is time to reflect and ask ourselves the all important question: how will Donald Trump embarrass himself this year?

The all-important question of any year, really.

I observe that the US. Communist Party has a 11% approval rating and that Congress has a 9% approval rating. I understand that members of Congress, to improve their popularity, tell people at parties that they are Communists.

Then again, if we're just going on percentage popularity, members of Congress could tell people at parties that they were genital herpes and still be better off.

There's always the Prophecy of St. Malachy (1139) who predicts our next Pope will be the last one: "Peter the Roman, who will nourish the sheep in many tribulations; when they are finished, the city of seven hills will be destroyed, and the dreadful judge will judge his people." I hope it's not Antonin Scalia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prophecy_of_the_Popes

One of my favorite ways people arrive at the blog is by searching, "How will the world end now?"

I think that's a neat way of putting the question. There's always another way the world can end. Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice, but few people say it won't end at all.

I like this prophecy of St. Malachy, if only because "malachy" and "malarkey" sound a lot alike, and that's a nice subtle touch for a doomsday prophecy.

The egg lobby controls Congress, not the Virginia legislature. Also, you don't want to know about the milk lobby. Enjoy your eight dollar gallon of milk.

The Egg Lobby sounds like a great name for a restaurant, as a side note.

Hey, if the Milk Cliff pans out, all my years of milk hoarding* won't be for naught!

*Leaving milk in the refrigerator until it expires, then buying more milk, then leaving that in the refrigerator until it expires -- which I guess is like milk hoarding.

Did you hear this vicious rumor that someone is trying to start that bacon may not be good for your health?

What? Lies, lies! Fie upon them! Bacon is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy, as I think Ben Franklin intended to say.

The Bible states three times that one should only eat kosher food and only once states one shall not kill. Therefore, it is three times more important you not eat bacon than you should kill.

The Bible also mentions laughter only thirteen times, by my count, most of them disparaging, in which case we're all up a creek.

Why do conspiracy theorists, or whatever one should call them, always state that the "next Pope" will be the last? Does anyone else remember those proclaiming that a girl had a vision that the "next Pope", which would now be this Pope ,will be the last? I guess if you keep changing it to "no, we meant the next one", then these theorists will never get to be proven wrong.

Hey, makes sense. The only thing we humans enjoy more than doomsday predictions is kicking the can down the road.

Does anyone have a resolution? I'm curious!

I have a resolution, H.R. 186, that Congress hereby declares.... Oh, wait, you meant another kind of resolution. Never mind.

I have a resolution! 1024 X 768!

What's that? I just lost my job writing humor, on the grounds that I'd slipped below the most basic qualification? Well, deserved. Can't argue with that call.

Since this is supposed to be a big year for comets, I am hoping for multiple Doomsday predictions.

Yeah, nothing like a good comet to get us all riled up and start handing over the reins of government to strangers who just arrived in boats.

If pigs are so smart, how come they haven't figured out we are only being nice to them because we intend to eat them, and then organize into a mass escape?

Every answer I have to this question is a spoiler for Animal Farm.

I had this weird dream. I dreamed I died and I was facing St. Peter with a group of recent arrivals. St. Peter proclaimed "I have only one question to determine who gets in. Who here knows Jack Abramoff? I'm so sorry, but I signed an exclusive deal with Mr. Abramoff."

Whenever I hear a Jack Abramoff joke I am reminded of the SNL classic. "Jack Abramoff? But I barely know Abram!"

I will never forget the famous Oscar Wilde quote where he was sitting in a restaurant and proclaimed "check, please." I often repeat that same quote whenever I am in a restaurant.

This reminds me of my favorite Shakespeare quote: "AAAAAAAAH!"

Which I assume he must have said at some point.

If Ben Franklin stated that bacon is proof that God loves us, I wonder what he thought of beer? Which reminds me, has anyone tried bacon beer? Or are those two things that will never get together, like Congressional Democrats and Republicans?

Or Taylor Swift and -- whoever it was.

On that note, I think it's about time to sally forth into 2013! Have a remarkable first day of the rest of your year! Keep reading the Compost and feel free but unobligated to follow me on Twitter!

In This Chat
Alexandra Petri
Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost, a lighter take on the news and issues of the day, and she contributes to the Post editorial page. Her work has appeared in venues such as The Huffington Post, The Week, Newsweek.com, Businessweek.com, Collegehumor, and The Harvard Crimson. She has appeared on Jeopardy!, Showbiz Tonight and Canadian radio, and she has performed at Boston's Comedy Studio and Comedy Connection. She would love to be on your TV show, radio show, Daily Show, HBO special, or to be an honored guest (or regular guest) at your Bar Mitzvah. She is the author of two books (unpublished, but contact her!), two screenplays, three plays, one musical, and one memoir (Ernest Hemingway's A Moveable Feast.)
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