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Her advice wasn't sound, it was awful, and it was the product of a thought process I see and hear too often-- one I was happy for the opportunity to analyze. I thought my last line explained well enough why I answered her, but I guess it didn't. Sorry about that.

What each of you needs to think about--run this by him if you think it would help--is why winning this argument has become more important than your relationship with each other. A name does matter, yes, to a degree, because a bad one can dog a person and a good one can be a source of confidence and connection. Still, a name doesn't matter even close to as much as the happiness and stability of one's childhood home matters. Specifically, the relationship of co-parents serves usually as a child's first and most enduring example of how to have an emotional relationship--encompassing such essential elements of human fulfillment as warmth, respect, perspective, cooperation, self-control, fair play, delayed gratification, I could go on. Whether your child is named Lucille or Lulubelle is not going to mean a bucket of spit if you and your husband fight for leverage over everything each of you finds individually important. 

You matter. He matters. Lucillebellulu matters. Go be grownups now and choose a name that aims neither for flair nor ancestral significace, but instead sounds nice to both of you. If you can't do that, find a good marriage class, seminar or counselor to help you get your priorities and communication strategies unbent. Wouldn't be a bad idea anyway, even if you do agree peacably that Annabeth Artichoke has a certain je ne sais quoi.

Nice catch, thanks--I didn't answer her question. In part that's because it makes so much more sense to me to treat each of these decisions individually, both for the person making the decision in question and for people looking to extrapolate an answer that applies to their situations.

Maybe worth noting, maybe not, is that I didn't read the letter the same way you did, as a one-off doubting session arising from a fight. What stuck out for me was the difference in the LW's thinking when the fiance was with her vs. absent. I can't speak for anyone else, but there aren't a lot of people in my life of whom I think differently when they're present vs. absent--and the few who do have that effect on me tend to be problematic for me.

If there's one thing a mate shouldn't be, it's that. Marriage is a long walk, and you want comfy shoes.

Yep, this works, thanks.

Yes. Please advise Fritz to urge Jo to see a doctor for a depression screening to start, and possibly OCD or anxiety beyond that. Then urge Fritz to check their insurance coverage, or his or Jo's employer for an EAP, to see if there's room for a good family therapist in the strained budget they appear to have. 

More six-degrees-of-advisory-separation, but Fritz is a sweet man who needs to find his backbone and get more powerful help than a sib or I can provide.

Try smartmarriages.org, and yay to both of you for doing this.

This is your lucky day. The right thing to do is not pry.

I do think, though, that these friends might need friends now, so it would be thoughtful if you made an effort to plan something with them soon. (And if they say no, accept that without pressing. Not even in a cheerful, "Aw, c'mon," kind of way.)

Thanks, much appreciated.

This will sound darker and grumpier than I mean it to be, but I think it's important to poke as many holes as you can in this happy-antsy-anticipation. It's just so natural for people, when they have a goal in mind off on the horizon somewhere, to train their attention on that--and that's when they're most likely to miss what's happening right under their feet. 

To the extent that  you're able, please regard the moment you're in now as the rest of your life, instead of imaginging a better something awaiting you somewhere. Let yourself absorb how today feels exactly as it is. -This- is what you're hoping to have forever, if it does result in marriage. In fact, if most people's trajectories are any measure of what yours will be, what you're hoping for will actually be just this, only much much harder.

Familiarity, illness/losses/aging, career and financial ups and downs, hard decisions that come with every tandem life (where to live, how to deal with extended family, etc), and children if you go that route, will all test your ability to work with, grow with and love each other. Are you and he strong enough for that? Do you not just agree on things, but also disagree on them well?

Comedies end with a marriage, and dramas start with them, right? So let yourself both enjoy the comedy and be realistic about the drama. That'll put you in a great position to see whether -you- want to marry -him.- That's the most important thing, even (especially?) when you think you've already figured that out. This is bonus time to wear your choice before it's legally binding.

You could point out that if they all had a better grasp of boundaries then maybe she'd be in a better position to make healthy emotional choices, but that would just be mean-spirited. 

So please deflect the insistent loved ones with, "She's a grown woman, and she hasn't asked me what I think." As many times as needed.

If she is in touch--or if you have a close enough relationship to make this kind of call to her make sense--then I do think there's something you can do to help her (not change her mind, just help). You can say, "I understand you've been hearing a lot from the family about your engagement. How are you holding up?" If she wants to toss ideas around with someone who won't judge her or try to live her life for her, that's her invitation, and if she doesn't, then that's your token of respect for the fact that it's not your business until she makes it so. Seems she could use either of these right now.

It is normal for a new, first-time mom to be busy and overwhelmed, but I don't feel comfortable saying it's normal for a best friend who wants to help to be completely shut out for three weeks. It could be, sure, but it could also be that something's wrong--postpartum depression comes immediately to mind, but that's not the only possibility.

I assume you have some relationship with other people close to her? You don't mention a husband/partner, but that's the best bet if there is one, and her parents are another. Explain that you don't mean to make a pest of yourself, you've just been calling, you're worried about the non-reponse and just want a yea or nay on whether all is well. Say that if she just needs space, you'll back off, no hard feelings--but if things are overwhelming for her then you'd like to help by _______. 

Good things to fill in that blank: 

1. bringing by dinner or dinners that can be easily frozen and reheated.

2. Doing some laundry or dishes or running some errands for them.

3. Taking the baby out in a carriage, weather permitting, or holding him while your friend takes a hot bath. 

Hope it turns out to be nothing besides normal, rookie scrambling to get through these early days.

The fighting-with-spouse aspect of childrearing is not inevitable. These are inevitable for parents:

You will be tired.

You will be faced with things you have no idea how to handle, fix, solve.

You will not agree with your co-parent on every detail.

You will disappoint each other.

You will have bad moods, and they often will be exacerbated by lack of sleep, especially early on.

You will have responsibilities that are boring, repetitive, relentless, mildly irritating, of great consequence to your bond with your child, and rewarding mostly in the very long term. (Diapers, feedings, play ...)

Obviously, it's easy to see why the combination of these on a daily basis over years can lead people to fight. But, again, it doesn't have to. Probably the biggest thing you both can do to prevent bickering is to put everything you've got into this. That means not rolling over and making it the other person's turn to get up unless it actually is. It means seeing what needs to be done and doing it, instead of hoping the elves will get it. It means communicating--"I do plan to do the dishes, I just need to sit for a second."

When both of you can plainly see that neither of you is taking advantage of the other, then you can use these other, highly effective fight-preempters:

Recognizing the other person is tired, too.

Occasionally giving the other person a break, even when it's technically not your turn.

Admitting when you're faced with something you don't know how to solve, and asking for ideas.

Leaving it alone when you disagree on something small--it's okay for kids to have two different experiences with two different parents--and taking it sit-down-and-talk seriously when you disagree on something big. It's not okay for there to be such great differences that kids (at surprisingly young ages) know they can use you against each other for leverage. It's also not okay when one parent insists on something genuinely risky (texting while driving, say).  

Apologizing when you let your spouse down, and forgiving when he lets you down.

Finding family-workable ways to deal with your bad moods. Will a walk do it? A trip to the gym? A loosening of the rules that day? (Ice cream for breakfast once in a while will not derail the train.) Make sure you both have outlets the other knows about and is willing to provide when you cry uncle.

Last but not least, build something into your schedules that serves to remind you of why you like each other.  Date night, a favorite show, a favorite team, etc.

I'm sure I missed a bunch, but by now you probably all think I've fallen off my chair.

I think that's fine, too, but if I remember the question correctly it was a friend once removed--spouse of a friend. So, yes with an asterisk, that it's an email that would make sense knowing what you know about the person. Thanks.

Hey, thanks for writing back. It sounds as if it was tough on both of you, I'm sorry, but it also sounds as if you made an important call. When things are tough, that's when you need to be able to count on each other.

Yes, could be that simple, thanks.

Thanks for giving me a chance to address this.

To me, at least, the details of the two situations are very different. In the October question, a man is yelling at a woman for failing to show him the proper respect. That's red flag stuff. There's also very little other context to help me point them in a possibly more accurate direction.

By comparison, we have a "neat freak" in today's question--useful context--who is "increasingly angry and sullen" (emphasis added). That tells me this is a case for mental-health screening first, where someone who had tendencies toward a certain disorder but was on the near side of clinical has crossed over into clinical.

The backbone issue for me is about the kids--she's yelling at them, saying apocalyptic/defeatist things, and the co-parent is afraid to do anything about it. 

I'd say gender was irrelevant here, and I do think it is in the second one, but I don't think it is in the first. It would be only if power imbalances hadn't been such an important element of interaction between men and women, but they have.

I try to call each of these based on details alone--that's my way of dealing with the fact that there's no way to work entirely without the lenses of who I am, what I've experienced and what I believe. All I can say is that, while I surely have biases, I have no agenda. I'm not trying to empower or undermine women, empower or undermine men, save marriages, end marriages, whatever else. I'm just looking for what makes sense.

Well, okay--equality is an agenda, I guess, and I do try to promote that. (Thus this response.)

Good points both, thanks--though baby bonding is important. Take whatever maternity and paternity leave is available, even extend it as possible before going back. You didn't say otherwise, but "the baby won't remember" breezes past it a bit too fast. Babies need good, safe, highly attentive care for their emotional security and brain development. It can come from somewhere other than mom (and in fact a SAHM or SAHD isn't the answer if s/he's depressed, lonely and stressed) but it has to come from somewhere. 

Also a good thing to consider, thanks. We who are flexible in our work are still busy and sometimes stressed, but the flexibility is a huge advantage.

Yeah, often the case. I was going to say it depends, but I'm having trouble thinking of a scenario where it makes sense for half of a couple to be fully invested and in love but still in need of time. I'll blame the flu. 

You know what I'd like to see? The success rate of those "Ten minutes later, s/he's married to someone else" marriages. Do they suffer the post-pheromone fizzle or do they stick? That would be useful information.

True, thanks--the context of the new mom's temperament and situation, and of the friendship, probably has a lot to say here.

Good point, thanks. The Post just had a story on optimism bias. 

What a nice, important distinction, between  "AARGH I CAN'T STAND THIS PERSON," and "AAARGH I WANT TO BE BY MYSELF FOR A WHILE."

I want to think about that for a bit, too.