Live Q&As

Good question, thanks. I've also been asked why I didn't point out to the husband that the wife is showing signs of being controlling and potentially abusive, and why I didn't flag the pressure that one half of a couple puts on the other in not having outside friends, and why I didn't come down harder on the LW for spending so much time with buddies.

The explanation is in the size of that list: All of these are true or potentially so, to some extent. What I hoped to accomplish with my answer is to get them onto the first step of the ladder, and into counseling if they can't even get there. 

An unsatisfying answer, that.

We're working on that. No one warned us that, when I switched to a Subscribe button,  the page would disappear for those who haven't signed in. Had I known that was coming, I would have held off till they fixed it. It has also given the FUBAR treatment to my daily feed, which means subscribers have to opt in to Twitter posts to see my columns. These are two problems I wish Facebook had foreseen. Someone at The Post is working on the former and I'm exploring options for the latter, so I hope to know something soon.

For those on Facebook who allow Twitter feeds, this system is actually more reliable than HootSuite was--the columns are there like clockwork. It's just needlessly limiting, and that's what I'm trying to fix.

Sorry for all the housekeeping.

Take a break and see how you feel. Or, carry on as you have been and see how you feel. I'm being wishy-washy for two reasons: 1. I can't decide for you, so I can only suggest you try on both ideas and see how you sleep at night,  and 2. If I were your boyfriend, I probably would have stayed put for the better job. 

I don't doubt it hurts, and you probably feel like the runner up. But not knowing either of you allows me to be pragmatic: Especially at 24/25 years old, the better job is the better bet, especially since he was able to look at it not as choosing a job over you, but instead as choosing a job and you, with the "you" part coming a year later than he had hoped. Taking a blah job has always been less than ideal, but given the difficulties recent grads are having in their quests for meaningful work, the fact that he has a solid position with a company he already knows has unusual value.

And this is where his relative youth matters: Because the chances you and he go the distance after meeting at 20 are even at best, he's got a bird-in-hand situation. 

Remember, I can only say this stuff because I don't know you. He does, so he can't say "I gotta go with the sure thing" without blowing up the relationship. 

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Try rephrasing the question. Instead of asking how to handle something, say you like examples of ways you could handle it, or examples of different approaches, because you don't even know how to start. 

If that doesn't produce more specific guidance, then try one more time to spell it out" I agree I need to sort through my own issues, but I've tried that on my own. I'm here because I would prefer to have some concrete launching points." If she won't engage in a conversation about methods, or adapt to your satisfaction, then you might need to say you're not satisfied with the way things are going and would like to talk to another therapist. I can't say this enough, finding a therapist is a process. You need to feel comfortable telling the truth about yourself, and not everyone is going to bring that out in you.

You don't help him find other outlets besides you--that's just further entrenching his dependency on you. 

-You- need to find other outlets for -you.- Framed for him as follows: "I can't be your everything, nor you mine. That I've let it go this far is a disservice to you. I care about you, I'm here for you when you need me, as you know--and right now you need me to be somewhere else a few days/nights a week so you can use that time as you need."

If he mopes and moans about it, don't cave. "That you believe you need me so badly just proves my point. Yes, you've had some really bad  breaks, but you can still [2 or 3 productive things he is able to do with his time]." 

Consider too what trait of yours left you open to this kind of codependency. Do you like to feel needed, do you fear losing people if you say no, do you have a sweet tooth for drama ...? Not a complete list by any means, so take it as a start, not an accusation. If you do have an emotional need that supporting him filled, then there's a good chance you'll end up here again, with him or someone else.

Stop conducting your part of the argument and see what happens. This is part thought experiment, part actual trial, and I suspect the results will be interesting.

If they have the kind of rapport you want to have with your boyfriend (this one or any other, doesn't matter), then the most direct answer here is to break up with your boyfriend. That's because it would render moot the issue of whether he likes her as more of a friend. Platonic or not, they really hit it off where you and he don't. You have open proof. And don't you want to "talk about anything and everything" with your partner?

Pay particular attention to what your spouse gives. By that I mean anything you have because of your spouse, so don't limit yourself to the things you would identify as generosity from this person.

Just by way of example, think about the way of life you share and what s/he brings to that, the interests you share, the family you spend time with at holidays, the industry his or her profession exposes you to, etc. Of all things, the movie of "The Fantastic Mr. Fox" comes to mind.  I realize almost no one saw it, which is too bad, because it's brilliant. And it  makes my point for me: Mr. Fox is a classic taker, but life with him is a fantastic ride for those who choose not to hold his taker tendencies against him. 

Last sentence says it all, no? Even if things don't ultimately work out between you, your seeing his choice as the one you'd have made is your inoculation against regret for giving the relationship a chance.

That's actually the key to getting past so many things with someone: Even if you don't agree with what the other person did, can you sympathize with the reason s/he did it? I bet if there were a survey on this, the results would track closely with "yes" and the relationship makes it, "no" and it fails.

Anyway, good luck, and check back in sometime.

By your own argument, you've had your turn, and it's his turn now. So why aren't you sacrificing for him now, willingly? That's everything here, and I can't answer you without it.

I'm going to skip the run-up and just urge you to get some good counseling solo. Your boyfriend has a serious problem that he won't even talk about and that plainly perpetuates a pattern that wrecked his family. You need to explain this to the therapist you choose, and say you want to know why your response has been to rearrange deck chairs instead of trying to plug the leak or dive for the lifeboat.

And if you don't want to know this, then that's where you start: "This is what some advice-harpy said I should be wondering about, and that didn't even occur to me."

"I love him" isn't a good enough answer, by the way. He needs to hear that you believe he has a problem (have examples handy), and that his refusal to talk about it is both part of the problem and a troubling problem of its own. Then say you you'd like to know what he's going to do about it. Don't threaten him with leaving, but if he continues to deny a problem and get defensive at any mention of it, you will need to move out. The people you love, and who love you, are the ones who most need your courage.

Well said, thanks.

I don't if you don't. That's the simplest answer. The defensive answer is that I did preface my answer with, "If they have the kind of rapport you want to have with your boyfriend ...." The answer that reflects my experience with this column over the years is that the couples who have the talk-about-anything rapport have more of a cushion against challenges to other parts of their relationship, albeit not a silver bullet. The answer that reflects my worldview is that different types of relationships suit different types of people and I'm not going to tell anyone that they should leave one type because the another would be better (unless those types happen to be "abusive" and "non-abusive"). Just anecdotally, I've seen plenty of hetero people who prefer the friendship company of their own sex, and so a marriage like yours is by no means an anomaly.

Then, finally, there's my ground-level, put-myself-in-that-place answer: If I were watching a boyfriend really hit it off with someone who wasn't me, I'd anticipate thinking two things: "I want that" and "It's not going to be with him."

How's that.

That's a wonderful way to think, and I'd guess a lot of reluctant movers wish they could have your attitude. But, just as there are people who thrive on change and adventure, there are those who are very much of their place, and it's not fair to suggest that their love for a spouse isn't as strong or as valid as yours. The spouses' temperaments (including adaptability to new places and ability to make new friends), the locations themselves, the reason(s) for moving so much--these all come to bear on how adamant a spouse is going to be when faced with uprooting.

Think more broadly, please. Is he stingy with warmth, support and/or kindness in other contexts? And if so, does it bother you then, too, or are you just sensitive on this one topic? 

That's the responsible answer. The one my keyboard typed out when I banged my head on it: Ask him to move the stick slightly to the left, because then he'll have room to stuff  his "pretty good" where it belongs. 

Cheez.

That you skip me and go straight to the book on dealing with an alcoholic (copy-pasted from the FAQs for the General Public provided by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA):

 If an alcoholic is unwilling to get help, what can you do about it?

This can be a challenge. An alcoholic can't be forced to get help except under certain circumstances, such as a traffic violation dor arrest that results in court-ordered treatment. But you don't have to wait for someone to "hit rock bottom" to act. Many alcoholism treatment specialists suggest the following steps to help an alcoholic get treatment:

Stop all "cover ups." Family members often make excuses to others or try to protect the alcoholic from the results of his or her drinking. It is important to stop covering for the alcoholic so that he or she experiences the full consequences of drinking.

Time your intervention. The best time to talk to the drinker is shortly after an alcohol-related problem has occurred--like a serious family argument or an accident. Choose a time when he or she is sober, both of you are fairly calm, and you have a chance to talk in private.

Be specific. Tell the family member that you are worried about his or her drinking. Use examples of the ways in which the drinking has caused problems, including the most recent incident.

State the results. Explain to the drinker what you will do if he or she doesn't go for help--not to punish the drinker, but to protect yourself from his or her problems. What you say may range from refusing to go with the person to any social activity where alcohol will be served, to moving out of the house. Do not make any threats you are not prepared to carry out.

Get help. Gather information in advance about treatment options in your community. If the person is willing to get help, call immediately for an appointment with a treatment counselor. Offer to go with the family member on the first visit to a treatment program and/or an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

Call on a friend. If the family member still refuses to get help, ask a friend to talk with him or her using the steps just described. A friend who is a recovering alcoholic may be particularly persuasive, but any person who is caring and nonjudgmental may help. The intervention of more than one person, more than one time, is often necessary to coax an alcoholic to seek help.

Find strength in numbers. With the help of a health care professional, some families join with other relatives and friends to confront an alcoholic as a group. This approach should only be tried under the guidance of a health care professional who is experienced in this kind of group intervention.

Get support. It is important to remember that you are not alone. Support groups offered in most communities include Al-Anon, which holds regular meetings for spouses and other significant adults in an alcoholic's life, and Alateen, which is geared to children of alcoholics. These groups help family members understand that they are not responsible for an alcoholic's drinking and that they need to take steps to take care of themselves, regardless of whether the alcoholic family member chooses to get help. (See the question 19, "How can a person get help for an alcohol problem" for referral to support groups.)

You can call the National Drug and Alcohol Treatment Referral Routing Service (Center for Substance Abuse Treatment) at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) for information about treatment programs in your local community and to speak to someone about an alcohol problem.

Move on. The pain will spike early, and then begin to recede as you notice how free you feel without the drag of his indecision on everything you do.

And accept this imaginary plaque for "kettle of mixed messages." Genius.

That would change my answer. If it was just on occasions when you and he went out with just this one friend, and if this friend only popped up in your lives occasionally (few times a year, say, vs. few times a month), then I'd say to write it off and just stay home when they see each other. Not every friend has to be adopted into the couple as a friend to you both. If instead this friend was in your circle of friends and you were regularly treated to two-hour freeze-outs, then I'd say this  BF had a rudeness problem.

This is of course assuming there was nothing sketchy going on.  That would be a third answer.

Thanks for the kind words.

My thoughts on ultimatums are overwhelmingly negative. Why would you want to marry someone you have to threaten to go along with it? And why would you want to pressure someone you love into anything (stuff that falls into the tough-medicine category excepted)?

If you want to marry someone, then that must mean you want to spend the rest of your life with him, right? If you've come to that conclusion, then do some more thinking on the topic before you say anything to anyone. 

First, are you really at the point in your relationship where that makes sense? Have you seen each other through different things, have you taken note of the way you and he solve problems, are you good for each other, have you outlasted the headrush of initial attraction? If so, then, next step:

Would you be okay with "the rest of your life" remaining as things are? Presumably no.

So, next, what about your status quo do you want to change--do you want to share a home, have kids, make things right in the eyes of God, get your naggy Aunt Mae off your back, secure the legal protections offered by marriage ...?

Then, when you've accounted for what you want next, consider all the possible ways to get what you have. Presumably marriage is one of them, but are there others? Are any of those acceptable to you?

Once you've thoroughly explored all of these ideas, and lined up what you want, believe is best for you and hope is best for him, then you talk to him. You lay out the way you'd like things to be--for example, you want to go through life with him, you want to have children with him--and see whether he shares your vision. 

The conversation could end there, of course, but if he does share your vision, then you say that you see marriage as an important step in this process for X or Y reason(s).

Should his plans diverge with yours at any point, you'll have to at least consider what he wants and the reasons he gives. If you think he has a point, then you do things his way. If you don't want what he's offering, then you break up.

100 percent truth, no ultimatums. No fun to start the conversation, but there's no "no fun" like a marriage entered under pressure.

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She needs to get qualified guidance on the abuse issue, ideally from a provider that offers comprehensive services like financial and legal advice, and ideally counseling for him if he'll agree to it. 1-800-799-SAFE or 1-800-656-HOPE are two worthy choices for her first call. Not leaving because of money is a non-starter. the reason to stay is that intervention solves the problems and she and the baby are safe; problems that don't respond to intervention mean it's time to go.

Good point, thanks. Likewise, someone who is being knocked around by a spouse needs to document those incidents in case the abuser is lining up witnesses just as you suggest.  

Okeydokey. For what it's worth, anyone who goes to the trouble of cooking for me gets a heartfelt thanks, because cooking for someone is the equivalent of a handmade gift. I get that you don't want insincere praise--but if he chooses not to give high praise that isn't sincere, why couldn't he instead be effusive in his gratitude?

If you're asking him whether he liked it, then I take that back somewhat, since he's cornered. 

I used to answer that way, but I've changed the way I look at it. While I remain an enthusiastic believer in breaking out of the man-always-proposes rut (an especially problematic one for lesbians), I think that gets at only the surface of the problem. The root of it is in the question, why is marriage so important at this time, and to this person--who, given the nature of the quesiton, we all know is showing no signs of wanting to marry you? 

I don't necessarily know that it's the problem in any given question, but the whole "I have a timetable" problem is such a big one that I advise for it regardless: Make sure you aren't gunning to marry this person because s/he's the one you happen to be with when society tells you it's Marriage Time. Think, think, think, and question everything in your reasoning that resembles an unchallenged assumption. It can't hurt and it can save you from feeling deeply stuck seven years from now.

Fingers crossed here, too. Your doing "all the school and PTA type stuff" suggests you've been absorbing this more than you've realized.